What if I Don’t Feel Thankful This Year?

Thanksgiving is just around the corner here in North America. With it comes the decorations in stores, the fall colors, and the many conversations about plans—where we’re going, who’s coming over, or how we’re celebrating. “Turkey Day” takes center stage for most of us, as it’s one of the major holidays in the United States.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of gathering and gratitude—a beautiful sentiment if we feel we have reasons to be thankful or can access that emotional state. I know some people say, “There’s always something to be grateful for,” and while that may be true, gratitude can often feel subjective. It really depends on the eyes of the beholder.

If I had just lost my partner of 20 years last month, for instance, gratitude might not feel accessible at all. That’s an extreme example, but we all endure our fair share of pain in life—grief, loss, illness, missed opportunities, divorce, accidents, or even drifting away from people we once held dear. For some, Thanksgiving might even highlight what’s missing. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay if gratitude doesn’t come easily this holiday season. Or if it does not come at all.

You feel the way you feel. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to experience this holiday.

I’m not suggesting that anyone going through hardship automatically can’t feel thankful. That’s not the case at all. Gratitude is deeply personal. Some may find solace in reflecting on the good in their lives, even amidst challenges. What I’ve noticed in my practice over the years is that many people feel guilty for not being able to connect with gratitude, especially during this season. It’s not that anyone intentionally applies pressure to “be thankful,” but the widespread cheer of the holiday can leave some feeling like they’re falling short.

I’ve sat with patients who were angry, grieving, or feeling betrayed during Thanksgiving season.  Their pain was raw—whether they were mourning a loss, dealing with the discovery of infidelity, or navigating a life-altering change (e.g., moving out of state, a recent health diagnosis, so on and so forth). These are the more visible, acute examples.

But sometimes, it’s subtler.

I’ve had patients wrestle with the quiet frustration of feeling stuck, as though life is passing them by and they’re not living up to their potential. For them, Thanksgiving might bring up bittersweet memories or a longing for simpler times—those carefree childhood days when life seemed so much easier.

If you’re not feeling especially thankful this Thanksgiving, I see you. Please know there’s no pressure to feel anything other than what’s real for you. Our emotions are what they are—valid, authentic, and deserving of space.

If you’re finding this season particularly challenging and feel you could benefit from a safe, confidential space to share and process your feelings, I’m here. You can book a free 20-minute phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit to work together at www.calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my pages on anxiety, depression, or trauma.

Until next time,

Dr. P

The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

As a psychologist working with teens, I have the kind of unique opportunity to hear and witness up close what being a high schooler nowadays is like. One trend that came up more and more clearly over the years is that many teenagers feel increasing pressure to engage in sexual activity earlier in their high school years. This pressure often comes from peers, sometimes friends, media, and/ or from a desire to meet perceived expectations from other people their age or a few years older. While this can impact all teens, it’s especially challenging for young women, who may feel the weight of these pressures more strongly and most often than not share with me that the idea they had of their “first time” differs significantly from what they had experienced.  

 A shift I've noticed is how sex is being framed in these formative years. Rather than being seen as an expression of some sort of meaningful, emotionally connected relationship, it is often treated as a physical act with less (little or no) consideration for the relational context. My young clients share stories that reveal just how prevalent this mindset has become, from casual sexual encounters at parties to guys asking around for oral sex at school (I assume only the request is made during school hours).

Granted, not all teens view sex this way, and I certainly approach this topic in a nonjudgment way. I however, do see the pain, disappointment, and regret young teen girls endure as a result of being part of this environment. My goal is to highlight the emotional impact that emerge, especially for girls (but not only restricted to teen girls), when they engage in sex before they’re truly ready or for reasons that aren’t aligned with their values. Alcohol and other substances, such as weed are often part of the picture during parties and social gatherings which further compound the problem.

 The Emotional Impact of Casual Sex on Teens, Especially Young Women

 Here are some of the common adverse effects teens may experience after engaging in casual sex, particularly when they feel pressured or uncertain:

• Feelings of regret and emptiness: Many young women report a sense of emptiness or regret after engaging in casual sex. Instead of feeling closer to the other person, they often feel disconnected and question their decision. Studies indicate that a significant percentage of teens (about 40%) who engaged in sex due to peer pressure later wished they had waited until it felt right for them.

• Anxiety over potential pregnancy or sexual transmitted infections (STIs): The physical risks of sexual activity, including unintended pregnancy and STIs, add a layer of stress that lingers long after the sexual encounter is over. Teen girls especially face heightened anxiety around these issues, impacting their emotional well-being.

• Difficulty with boundaries and saying no: Many young women, particularly those who are naturally inclined to please others, struggle to assert their boundaries. This can make it challenging for them to say no, even if they’re uncomfortable. They may go along with sexual encounters they don’t fully want, which can harm their self-esteem and self-worth.

• A sense of being used or devalued: Teens who engage in casual sex often feel disappointed when the person they were with doesn’t reciprocate any emotional connection. Feeling used or as though the encounter was transactional can be painful, leading to feelings of devaluation. 

• Social consequences and peer dynamics: When private moments are shared openly with peers (or worse, on social media) by the other, teens feel exposed or humiliated. The emotional aftermath can be profound, leading to feelings of shame, isolation, and social anxiety. They basically want to hide, and not go to school as they know so many people now know of their private sexual lives.

Can you imagine being able to concentrate in Geometry while dealing with these feelings? Extremely hard to say the least.

Some of my clients have confided that they participated in sexual activities simply because it seemed to be the “norm” or because they feared rejection. “It seems to be what kids do at this age”, “my girlfriends encouraged me to,” and “I have heard around that I am the only virgin among my friend group” are reasons some of my regretful lovely young teen girls cite as reasons for saying yes.

For teens navigating these pressures, therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore their thoughts and feelings around this topic: what is it that they want? How can they be prepared to withstand the peer pressure (from guys and girls alike) to “just do it” (if waiting is what they truly want to do)? Understanding the social and implicit pressures that may not always be obvious allows teens to make more conscious choices. In therapy, they can reflect on what feels right for them, helping them gain clarity on their boundaries and values.

It’s also worth noting that, while sexual pressure isn’t the primary issue for most teens who come to see me, it often surfaces in our conversations. Whether they need support in making these decisions or in processing feelings of discomfort after a sexual experience that didn’t go as they had hoped, the therapy space is open to offer a safe and nonjudgmental space in which teens can explore any and all feelings.

If you are a teen or a parent of a teen who could benefit from a compassionate, confidential space to discuss and work through these or any other issues, please feel free to reach out. I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation, which you can schedule at calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my page on teen counseling.

Until next time,

Dr. P

When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."

This reaction happens because the hurt caused during childhood can be long-lasting and profound. Emotional neglect or abuse can shape how a person sees themselves, others, and the world, leaving behind emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood. By the time a parent offers an apology, the adult child may intellectually acknowledge it, but emotionally, it often doesn’t reach the depth of pain that was experienced during childhood. At that point, the individual has typically developed coping mechanisms, emotional defenses, or even a level of emotional disconnection to survive those early wounds.

It makes sense that an apology after years of emotional harm doesn't fully heal the hurt. The damage can be so ingrained that simple words, even if they are heartfelt, cannot undo the suffering or erase the behavioral patterns formed in response. This is why some individuals perceive such apologies as "too little, too late." While the apology might provide some relief or comfort, it doesn't address the core of what was lost or unmet. Healing from these experiences often requires much more than an apology, even though it may be the most the person offering it can provide in the present moment.  

How can therapy help?

Therapy can be a powerful space for those who’ve endured such relational trauma to process its lingering effects. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they can work through these experiences on their journey toward healing. Though an apology may be well-meaning, it is rarely enough to heal the deep wounds created in early life.

Some of my clients who’ve had this experience have struggled with guilt as a result, feeling they should be able to let go of the past in the face of what seems like a sincere apology.

Patients navigate these experiences in different ways.

One specific client comes to mind who over time allowed herself to hold the tension of “appreciating” the apology while also acknowledging that true healing could only come from her ongoing commitment to self-care through therapy—and other nurturing practices. Together, we navigated how apologies can sometimes trigger guilt, especially when the individual realizes that an apology doesn’t erase the painful parts of who they’ve become as a result of trauma. Many people, for example, carry a deep sense of unworthiness or feeling “less than,” which is hard to shake even with heartfelt apologies.

While trauma impacts people differently, feelings like these are common among those who have experienced developmental trauma. This type of trauma refers to the emotional harm caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or adversity during a child’s critical stages of growth. It disrupts the formation of healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and a sense of self, leading to long-term mental health struggles and challenges in relationships.

If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and there is nothing “wrong” with the way you’re reacting. If you’d like to explore how therapy could support your healing process, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com. To read more about my work in this area you can check out my pages on anxiety , depression, and/or trauma.

To honoring your own feelings,

Dr. P

Feeling Invisible: A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Rediscovering Our Worth

There’s a deep and painful emotional experience that can leave someone feeling like they don’t truly exist—the feeling of invisibility. It’s a feeling that arises when others seem to look right through us, as if our presence is inconsequential, unnoticed. We painfully observe how those around us acknowledge others with a word, a gesture, or even a glance, while we remain unrecognized. This experience can be crushing. A part of us might wish to disappear entirely, to retreat to a safe space, away from the embarrassment and rejection. Deep down, the question forms: Why am I not worth being acknowledged? And often, this leads to an even more painful self-inquiry: What is wrong with me?

For many of the teens I work with, this sense of invisibility is not a new feeling. They’ve faced it in social settings time and again. Over time, these repeated experiences can trigger insecurities, self-doubt, and the eventual questioning of their own self-worth. What started as a quiet rejection at school, or in social settings, builds up until they begin to wonder if they are even deserving of acknowledgment. It's a heartbreaking cycle, one that is particularly poignant because these teens often internalize the hurt.

What happens when anger is turned inward?

Sigmund Freud, in his theory of depression, suggested that when anger isn’t outwardly expressed, it turns inward. This inward turn can result in self-blame, and I see this so often in in my work with teens and young adults. Instead of expressing frustration or hurt toward those who have excluded or ignored them, they turn that blame on themselves. What did I do wrong? Why don’t people see me? They ask themselves over and over. They become their own harshest critics.

Over time, these teens develop an intense gratitude toward anyone who notices them. A simple act of acknowledgment—a smile, a kind word, or a small gesture of kindness—can have an outsized emotional impact. Many of my patients have shared how deeply moved they’ve been by small acts of generosity. One of my patients almost became tearful when someone offered to lend them a few dollars for lunch when they had forgotten theirs. Another was overwhelmed by the kindness of a classmate who gave them a welcoming look at the lunch table, a signal that they were allowed to sit beside them. What seems like a simple interaction to some can be huge to those who feel invisible. These acts validate their existence. I am worth something, they think. I matter, if only for a moment.

Seeking connection

These experiences, while painful, speak to the basic human need for connection. When teens feel invisible, it isn’t just a matter of not being seen—it’s a matter of feeling like they don’t exist in the minds of others. It can be a tragedy when this feeling of being unseen begins to shape their self-perception, especially in a world where acknowledgment is so crucial to developing self-esteem and confidence.

Unfortunately, this cycle of invisibility can become self-perpetuating. The more these teens feel unseen, the more they internalize it, believing it’s a reflection of their own worth. Over time, they lose confidence, and their ability to connect with others begins to deteriorate. The cycle continues: the more they feel isolated, the harder it becomes to break free. Without intervention, this can lead to a deepening sense of loneliness and despair.

How can therapy help?

This is where therapy can play a crucial role. The therapeutic space is a place where teens can feel seen, accepted, and cared for, often for the first time in a long time. Therapy allows them to voice their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and emotions without fear of judgment. In this space, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a model for what healthy, validating connections can look like. It provides a safe space for clients to feel understood, to experience empathy, and to process their feelings.

Therapy helps soften the harsh internal voice that many of these teens/ young adult develop, the one that tells them they’re not good enough or that they deserve to be invisible. Over time, this internal dialogue shifts, allowing clients to treat themselves with greater care and empathy. Through insight and increased self-awareness, they begin to see that they are worthy of being seen and heard. This can be a healing process, one that allows them to recognize their inherent worth, independent of others' opinions.

A stronger sense of self

As teens begin to develop this newfound self-compassion, they gain the strength to navigate future encounters with more resilience. Rather than internalizing the pain of being dismissed or ignored, they can reflect on how they want to respond. They become empowered to choose their reactions—whether it’s deciding to voice how something made them feel, or simply letting go of others’ judgments and focusing on their own sense of self.

Ultimately, therapy fosters a deeper trust in oneself. It encourages individuals to be mindful of their own experiences and over time it is not uncommon for clients to be less impacted by how others perceive them. Therapy offers the tools to help them feel more at ease in their authentic selves, reducing the power that feelings of invisibility once held over them. It provides a space where they can process these emotions, regain their sense of worth, and begin to trust in themselves again. With time and support, these young individuals can reclaim their confidence and feel empowered in their own authenticity.

If you as a young adult, or your teen struggles with having felt invisible, I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today. We can explore whether therapy may be a right fit to address these feelings so that they don’t further undermine your confidence and self-esteem.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting & healing in the process,

Dr. P

Navigating the Stormy Seas of Parenting Teens

Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating stormy seas. The once sweet, cooperative child you knew has morphed into a distant, secretive, and sometimes rebellious teenager. As a psychologist who works with teens, I assure you that your feelings of frustration, confusion, and even helplessness are entirely valid. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for restoring a sense of peace to your family life.

Understanding the Transformation

Teenagers are in a critical stage of development, experiencing so many changes, both physically and emotionally. One key process that unfolds during this time is that of “separation and individuation.” This process involves teens exploring who they want to be, separate from their parents and family identity. They push boundaries, make decisions that we as parents do not agree with, and sometimes engage in risky behaviors as they figure out their place in the world.

Separation and Individuation: What Is It?

Separation refers to the process by which an individual becomes distinct from their parents or primary caregivers. This involves both physical and emotional distancing, allowing the adolescent to develop a sense of individuality and autonomy. It includes:

1. Physical Separation: This may include spending more time away from home, engaging in activities independently, and establishing their own routines and preferences.

2. Emotional Separation: Teens start to establish their own values, beliefs, and emotional responses that may differ from those of their parents. This can involve questioning and sometimes rejecting parental views as they form their own identities.

As much as we know that this is a normal process, the increasing both physical and emotional separation may be quite an adjustment for parents.

Individuation is the process in which the teen develops a unique identity and sense of self that is separate from others. This process is closely tied to separation and involves several key components:

1. Self-Identity: Adolescents begin to understand who they are as individuals, separate from their family and peers. This involves recognizing their own strengths, weaknesses, interests, and values.

2. Autonomy: Developing the ability to make independent decisions and take responsibility for their actions is a critical part of individuation.

3. Personal Boundaries: Teens learn to establish and maintain personal boundaries, understanding what is acceptable for them and asserting their needs and preferences.

4. Self-Reflection: Engaging in self-reflection helps adolescents understand their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, leading to greater self-awareness and insight.

The Importance of Separation and Individuation

These processes are essential for several reasons:

1. Building Confidence: Successfully navigating separation and individuation helps adolescents build confidence in their abilities to function independently.

2. Developing Resilience: By making their own decisions and learning from their mistakes, teens develop resilience and the ability to cope with challenges.

3. Forming Healthy Relationships: Establishing a strong sense of self is crucial for forming healthy, balanced relationships in the future. It allows individuals to connect with others while maintaining their own identity.

4. Preparing for Adulthood: These processes prepare adolescents for the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood by fostering independence and self-sufficiency.

Challenges and Support

While separation and individuation are normal and necessary, they can be challenging for both teens and their parents. Adolescents may struggle with the emotional turmoil and uncertainty that accompany these changes, and parents may find it difficult to adjust to their child’s growing independence.

For Teens:

1. Emotional Turmoil: Adolescents may experience mood swings, confusion, and frustration as they navigate these processes.

2. Peer Pressure: The desire to fit in with peers can sometimes conflict with their emerging sense of self, leading to additional stress.

3. Identity Crisis: Some teens may experience periods of identity crisis, where they question who they are and where they belong.

For Parents:

1. Letting Go: Allowing their child to become more independent can be challenging for parents, who may feel a sense of loss or fear for their child’s well-being.

2. Conflict: Increased conflict can arise as teens assert their independence and parents struggle to maintain boundaries and expectations.

3. Communication: Maintaining open and effective communication during this time can be difficult but is essential for a healthy parent-teen relationship.

The Emotional Rollercoaster for Parents

Witnessing your teen make choices that you know could lead to pain or difficulty can be excruciating. You want to shield them from harm and guide them towards better decisions, but sometimes it feels like they are determined to do the opposite. It's common to feel embarrassed, shocked, and powerless. Loving, caring parents can find themselves at their wit's end, wondering how to navigate this tumultuous period.

Common Parental Reactions

1. Shock and Disbelief: The transformation from a cooperative child to a rebellious teen can be sudden and jarring.

2. Frustration and Anger: The disrespect, lying, and secrecy can lead to intense frustration and anger.

3. Sadness and Grief: Parents may mourn the loss of the close relationship they once had with their child.

4. Guilt and Self-Doubt: Parents often question their parenting skills and wonder where they went wrong.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can be a lifeline for both teens and their parents during these challenging years. It provides a safe, confidential space for teens to express their feelings and thoughts without judgment. Through therapy, they can start to make sense of their emotions and behaviors and begin to develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Benefits of Therapy for Teens

1. Emotional Expression: Teens can freely express their anger, frustration, and pain.

2. Self-Understanding: They can gain insights into their behavior and underlying issues.

3. Improved Relationships: Therapy can enhance their communication skills and improve relationships with peers and family.

4. Self-Confidence: By working through their challenges, teens can build self-esteem and confidence in their choices.

Benefits of Therapy for Parents

1. Guidance and Support: Therapy provides parents with strategies to navigate their teen’s behavior effectively.

2. Validation: Parents often feel validated in their struggles and less alone.

3. Improved Communication: This is often a byproduct of therapy. As parents and teens feel heard and understood by the experience of therapy, they are better equipped to communicate with each other more effectively.

Practical Tips for Parents

While therapy can provide significant support, there are also practical steps you can take at home to help your teen and maintain your sanity:

1. Stay Calm: Reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Try to stay calm and composed (I know this is easier said than done).

2. Listen Actively: Show your teen that you are listening to them without immediately jumping in with advice or criticism.

3. Set Boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential, but ensure they are reasonable and respect your teen's growing need for independence.

4. Encourage Positive Activities: Encourage your teen to engage in positive activities that interest them, whether it’s sports, arts, or volunteering.

5. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist, support group, or other parents who are going through similar experiences.

There Is Hope

If you feel like you’re at the end of your rope with your teen, remember that, oftentimes, this is a normal part of their development. While the journey can be painful and challenging, it is also a time of incredible growth and transformation. Therapy can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate this period, helping your teen become a confident and independent young adult.

As a psychologist, my goal is to support your teen, and in turn your family, through this journey. My experience working with teens is that through therapy, teens have the opportunity to develop into a self-assured individual, restoring a sense of (even if relative) peace and harmony to your family life. If your teen is struggling, or if you as a parent are finding it difficult to cope, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.””

— Winston Churchill

If your struggle with your teen is something you cannot easily put aside, know that you are not alone. I am here to support you through your next steps in reclaiming a certain degree of peace and understanding in your family life. I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting with one of the people you probably love the most in the world!

Dr. P

Helping women in their 40s and 50s navigate midlife changes

Women in their 40s and 50s are often navigating a complex and transformative period in their lives. As a psychologist specializing in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based approaches, I have worked with many women who face challenges during this time. Midlife brings about significant physical changes, particularly during perimenopause, as well as emotional and cognitive shifts that can impact our overall well-being.

Physical Changes During Perimenopause

1. Irregular Periods: One of the most common physical changes women experience during perimenopause is irregular periods. Menstrual cycles may become unpredictable, with periods that are closer together, farther apart, heavier, or lighter. This unpredictability can be frustrating and distressing, often disrupting daily routines and causing anxiety.

2. Hot Flashes and Night Sweats: Sudden feelings of intense warmth, often accompanied by sweating and redness, are hallmark symptoms of perimenopause. These hot flashes can occur during the day or night, leading to discomfort and embarrassment. Night sweats can disrupt sleep, contributing to fatigue and irritability.

3. Sleep Disturbances: Many women find it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep during perimenopause. This can be due to night sweats or other factors such as anxiety and hormonal fluctuations. Chronic sleep deprivation can have a significant impact on mood, cognitive function, and overall health.

4. Weight Gain: Changes in metabolism during perimenopause can result in weight gain, particularly around the abdomen. This can be challenging and can lead to feelings of frustration and self-consciousness.

5. Hair and Skin Changes: Thinning hair and dry skin are common as estrogen levels decline. These changes can affect self-esteem and body image, contributing to emotional distress.

Emotional and Cognitive Changes

1. Mood Swings: Hormonal changes can lead to increased irritability, anxiety, or depression. Women may find themselves experiencing intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, making it difficult to manage daily responsibilities and relationships.

2. Changes in Memory : Some women experience difficulty concentrating or short-term memory issues during perimenopause. This can be concerning and may affect work performance and personal relationships.

3. Decreased Libido: A decrease in sexual desire is common during perimenopause, often due to hormonal changes and vaginal dryness. This can impact intimate relationships and lead to feelings of frustration or inadequacy.

Emotional Well-Being During Midlife

The physical and emotional changes of perimenopause can take a toll on women’s well-being. From feeling confused and overwhelmed to, in some way, mourning the loss of the youth associated with their 20s and 30s, this period can be incredibly challenging. In addition, many women in their 40s and 50s are raising children and dealing with the demands of work either at home or outside the home, which can add to the stress and emotional burden. They are often also a caregiver to their aging parents, in one capacity or another.

In my experience as a therapist, many women feel a sense of loss regarding how they used to feel and see themselves before these changes began. Periods of change such as this one provide a rich opportunity to reflect on one’s life and how we adjust and adapt to experiencing changes in our bodies and overall to being more acutely aware of the passage of time. It is absolutely normal to feel frustrated, upset, anxious, or sad when we notice these changes; sometimes we may even feel helpless and not know how to navigate these changes that always feel a bit unexpected and challenge the status quo of previous years.

“Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.””

— Carl Jung

The Importance of Therapy

Therapy can be incredibly meaningful for women going through these changes. It provides a space to better understand and make meaning of what is happening to them. Many of my clients tell me they feel a unique satisfaction in knowing themselves more deeply and in feeling more in control of their lives and their path.

1. Creating Space for Reflection: Therapy allows women to intentionally create a space for themselves to reflect on their experiences and emotions. This can help them make sense of the changes they are going through and develop strategies to cope with them.

2. Addressing Emotional Challenges: From an emotional standpoint, therapy provides a safe space to discuss and disclose any and all feelings about what they are experiencing. It can be overwhelming to deal with the physical changes of perimenopause on top of the demands of daily life, and therapy can offer much-needed respite and support.

3. Enhancing Self-Understanding: Working in therapy helps women to explore how the changes in their bodies impact how they see themselves, what they enjoy doing, and their level of energy. This deeper self-understanding can make the changes a. bit more bearable and help women feel less alone in their journey.

4. Improving Relationships: Therapy can also help women navigate changes in their relationships. For example, partners, particularly men, may have difficulty fully understanding what is happening as this is something they personally do not experience. Therapy can provide a space to explore these dynamics and improve communication and support within relationships.

Putting it all together and finding support

Midlife and perimenopause bring about significant physical and emotional changes for women. While these changes are normal and to be expected, they can be emotionally heavy and challenging to navigate. Therapy can provide a supportive and empowering space for women to process their experiences, develop coping strategies, and enhance their overall well-being. If you are in your 40s or 50s experiencing these changes, consider reaching out for support by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at calendly.com/drperolini. Together, we can work towards making this transitional period a time of growth and self-discovery.

To read more about my work you can visit drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling or drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Cheers to making a space for ourselves!

Dr. P

Minimizing Regrets: Navigating Life's Choices with Reflection and Therapy

In the whirlwind of modern life, it's easy to get caught up in the constant motion, deadlines, and responsibilities without pausing to reflect on the path we're on. Yet, within the chaos lies a crucial question that often goes unasked until it's too late: Will the life we're living today bring a smile to our 85-year-old wrinkled face, should we be fortunate enough to reach that age?

As a psychologist working from an approach rooted in psychodynamic, attachment, and existential thought, this question forms the cornerstone of my work and personal philosophy. The journey of minimizing regrets begins with the art of reflection—a practice often overshadowed by the urgency of daily demands but one that holds the key to living a life aligned with our deepest values and aspirations.

Reflection, however, isn't a substitute for action. It's a catalyst that propels us towards purposeful action, guided by our desires, interests, and values. Therapy, in this context, serves as a supportive space where reflection blossoms into self-awareness, steering us to make choices that resonate with our authentic selves.

In the therapeutic journey, there's no room for judgment. Instead, there's a gentle invitation to explore how we are living our lives, how we would like to live our lives and assess whether these are aligned or maybe less so. This introspection may reveal areas where adjustments would be welcomed—opportunities to course-correct and craft a life that feels genuinely rich and meaningful.

 This powerful quote may seem a bit extreme, though I certainly feel it it worth reflecting on - pun intended :)

“The unexamined life is not worth living” ”

— Sócrates

This is precisely the work that therapy affords us to do- one in which we can examine our lives at a profound level. The good thing is that there is never pressure to do so. What lies implicitly is the invitation to engage in this way.

Over my years in practice, I've witnessed profound transformations sparked by the introspective work of therapy. Patients have bravely pursued relocation to nurture family bonds or chase career dreams that ignite their souls. Some have traded financial security for a life with a better work-life balance, aligning their professional pursuits with their core values.

Yet, the shifts aren't always grand gestures visible to the world. Therapy's impact often lies in the subtleties—the rekindling of vulnerability in individuals accustomed to being stoic pillars for others, the exploration of unaddressed grief, or/ and the integration of fragmented aspects of the self.

Therapy isn't about dwelling in pain (as sometimes people portray it to be); it's about embracing emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, with compassion and understanding. By shining a light on “suppressed” feelings, or feelings or experiences that consciously we would like to leave to the side, (or even better, forget) we reclaim our agency and diminish their power over us.

Avoidance, after all, inadvertently amplifies what we seek to evade.

As a therapist, I see my role as a guide through this journey of self-discovery and growth. Week after week, therapy cultivates a deeper understanding of our inner life, empowering us to make choices that align with our true selves.

In the pursuit of a life with fewer regrets, reflection and therapy emerge as indispensable tools. They invite us to gaze into the mirror of our existence, navigate our emotions with grace, and ultimately, live a life of purpose and authenticity.

Cheers to walking this path of life in very intentional ways,

Dr. P

Understanding the complex grief of losing a loved one to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating and complex experience that leaves a lasting impact on those left behind. In my work as a psychologist, I have had the privilege of supporting patients who are grappling with the aftermath of such tragic loss. In this blog, I aim to expand on the multifaceted nature of grief after suicide and the way in which therapy can support those who had endured this painful experience in their lives. A consistent, supportive space in the form of therapy may help contain the immensity of the pain that loved ones are left to deal with.

The Weight of Unanswered Questions

One of the initial challenges faced by those mourning a suicide are the many unanswered questions that haunt their minds. "Did they not care enough about me that they could do this?" and "Could I have done something to prevent it?" are common questions that can lead to overwhelming feelings of anger, guilt, and/ or regret. As a therapist, creating a safe space for my patients to explore these questions is crucial. Together, we navigate the complexities of guilt, recognizing that it is a heavy burden to bear and requires an engaged other (the therapist) who is open, present, and ready to engage in the way the patient needs us to.

As therapists, we have to recognize that sometimes there are no words to capture the amount of pain a patient is experiencing. And this is absolutely fine. In patient’s silences there is ample opportunity to convey engagement in the face of profound despair.

Acknowledging the Complexity of Emotions

Grieving a loved one lost to suicide involves a rollercoaster of emotions. Anguish, pain, anger, confusion, and numbness are all part of the emotional reactions that may emerge. The question of "How could they do this to me or to our family?" is a valid expression of the anger that often coexists with profound sorrow. In therapy, my role is to provide a supportive environment where these emotions can be openly expressed and explored without judgment as well as to over time help patients make meaning of this experience.

Grieving our loss

The stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross* and later expanded by colleagues,– shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance, and integration – provide a framework for understanding the emotional journey after a loss. However, it's essential to recognize that grieving the death of a loved one to suicide doesn't follow a linear path. Therapy becomes a vital tool for helping individuals navigate these stages, providing a safe and non-judgmental space to process the complexities of their emotions.

““Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.””

— Leo Tolstoy

Creating Space for Healing

In therapy, we embark on a journey of healing that allows individuals to unpack the impact of their traumatic loss. The safety of the therapy room becomes a sanctuary where clients can explore the layers of their emotions, gradually moving towards acceptance and integration at their very own pace. It is crucial to emphasize that healing is a unique and non-linear process, and therapy provides a supportive space for individuals to work through their grief at the pace that feels right for them.

A common experience patients have after months or years passed and the loss is not that recent anymore is that it is often hard for them to find people who in some way still make reference to the person who died or more generally the loss they have experienced. This is understandable since people may prefer to not bring it up out of a fear that this would upset the person and they don’t want to create more pain for those who already have suffered so much. This tends to leave the loved one often feeling alone in their pain, and with the feeling that after a big “wave” of care and caring ears at the time of the loss, people seems to have forgotten or be less actively interested in how the process of grieving is unfolding for the loved one.

Attachment, psychodynamic, and existential approaches in working with grief

My work as a psychologist is rooted in attachment-based, psychodynamic, and existential approaches and this “lens” certainly guides my work with patients grieving a traumatic loss. I approach the grieving process of a traumatic loss by acknowledging the profound impact of attachment dynamics. The loss of a loved one to suicide can disrupt attachment patterns, leading to a complex interplay of emotions related to abandonment, rejection, and even betrayal. Attachment-based therapy offers a framework for exploring these dynamics and over time rebuilding a sense of security and connection. An existential framework allows for the exploration of themes related to one’s own mortality, personal freedom, deliberate choice, individual responsibility, and the pursuit of meaning, themes that often come up in the work with patients grieving a traumatic loss.

Losing a loved one to suicide is a challenging journey that ideally requires presence, engagement, and compassionate support. In my work as a psychologist, I am committed to helping individuals navigate the complex experience of grief. In therapy, we create a space for open exploration of emotions, acknowledging the unique challenges posed by suicide loss. Together with my patients we work towards healing, acceptance, and the gradual integration of the profound impact of such a traumatic experience.

If you are grappling with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, or in any traumatic context, know that seeking support is a courageous step towards reclaiming a sense of hope and connection in the midst of profound loss. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

With deep respect,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

References

Kubler-Ross, D., & Kessler, E. (2014). On grief and grieving. Simon & Schuster.

and in the midst of it all, I lost myself..

Have you ever felt this way?

kind of having lost direction and purpose for a while? if so, you are not alone.

I have often heard a version of this story—

You have worked hard over the years at whatever was in front of you. You did the studying, or fulfilled the work responsibilities. If you work outside the home, you were a diligent employee. You did the extra mile. You were trustworthy and reliable. You had so many dreams that as you grew and evolved professionally you would also feel more whole, more satisfied, more fulfilled in life in general.

With adulthood came growing responsibilities that you often embraced and did your best job navigating. Some of you navigated romantic relationships, maybe marriage, and even kids. Your world is full. Full of life, full of tasks and responsibilities that you are ok with yet sometimes wish things could slow down a bit so that you could reconnect with yourself, and maybe figure out what is missing.

Under all external standards, you are a success.

You have done well for yourself and a part of you is satisfied and even proud of that. Yet there is another part of you that over the years have felt a growing void, a lack of clear purpose, a blur in response to the question, ‘Where do I go from here?’

With so many responsibilities and things that need to get done every day, there is hardly any time to sit and make a space for what you deep down are experiencing. Or what you may be needing.

As we evolve as adults, and see decades go by, what we need to feel fulfilled also may change. Yet too often we continue forward with the same routines, same activities, same lifestyle, similar goals and what initially was a “small void” that from time to time we felt becomes stronger and bigger.

For those of you who are parents, I know it may be easier and more acceptable to spend time and money in our kids than in ourselves. Sometimes we feel we already had “our chance.” We already were “young” and had our time to figure out things. Now it is their turn. And we want to support them, investing our time and money in them.

As a psychologist who works with teens and adults (and love my work with both), I wholeheartedly appreciate and know that our children, be it younger kids or teens, need our presence, our support, our emotional containment. I 100 percent support that.

I also know that, if we as parents are starting to feel drained, depleted, even a bit lost in terms of what direction our lives are going, that that also deserves to be attended to.

Not only because we as individuals, regardless whether we are parents or not, deserve time and attention to figure out whatever may be impacting us emotionally.

But also because if we are parents, the better that we feel ourselves, the best parenting we can provide. The more present that we can be with our children. The more emotionally available we can be.

It makes sense, right?

If we are preoccupied with our own dissatisfaction or with our past unresolved experiences that need attention and healing, the less emotional space we are going to have to support our children in their path.

Feeling a lack of clarity, purpose, and meaning in life as years go by is not uncommon. Perhaps what kept us busy and engaged earlier on in our life, let’s say during our 20s or even 30s is not the same we need later on to fill fulfilled and truly alive.

Yet this does not need to be the “new normal” for you.

You do not have to settle into believing that this is just how life is going be from now on. Struggling to find some motivation, more energy, or some excitement as you see others around you seemingly “thrive.”

You sure are living proof that, for some of us, fulfillment in our “roles,” such as the role of a parent, or of the employee, or really any role that we may have in our lives, personally or professionally, does not automatically mean we are going to be genuinely fulfilled and connected with our purpose.

The quest for making meaning out of our own life situations is present at our core. We may feel this compelling desire to figure out what will facilitate a sense of peace and fulfillment in this particular stage of our life. Sometimes we deny it to ourselves because we do not feel we are worth it, or we doubt that we deserve to deliberately invest in our own growth or process.

This famous quote from Socrates captures what I am referring to here—

““The unexamined life is not worth living” ”

— Socrates

And even though it feels pretty strong the “not worth living” part, I have to say I identify with the profound benefits of setting some time aside to “examine” our lives and ourselves vis-à-vis our own life, which the process that unfolds in therapy.

My patients tell me they often feel guilt or even a sense of selfishness at the idea of carving out time and investing money in figuring out what is not working for them. All these feelings, when given the time and attention, may fall into place, and a new kind of understanding may emerge during the therapeutic process.

An understanding that may allow you, over time, to be more of the “author” of your own life, as opposed as being “only” the main character.

If you have been feeling in the ways that I described above, perhaps lacking the motivation that used to characterize you, perhaps feeling down or drained, perhaps constantly tired, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you fulfillment and inner peace,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work with depression at drperolini.com/depression-counseling

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

Don't be so quick to swallow that pill

I am amazed at how often friends, family members, or just acquaintances share with me during everyday conversation that they have been prescribed some kind of medication to address their symptoms of anxiety or depression, grief, or trauma.

I have been in awe—

At times, I had inquired if, when having a conversation with the prescriber (usually either their primary care doctor, or a specialist, such as an OBGYN) about the available alternatives to address the symptoms that they were experiencing the doctors had also discussed the option starting therapy. More often than not, the answer I got was “No.”

Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for the medical profession and I know that medication has a place in helping people with their emotional well-being.  I am, however, puzzled about how often I hear that there is not even a conversation around the multiple ways in which these symptoms may be addressed.

I fully understand that taking medication or working through a particular set of symptoms in therapy (or on your own, for that matter) are different routes, all with their advantages and potential drawbacks. And we know they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, research does show that for certain sets of symptoms, depending upon the type and the severity, a combination of medication and therapy may be the treatment of choice.

I am all for people making their own decisions about how they want to address their psychological pain.  I would just love to see more conversations around the option of pursuing therapy to address symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to severe anxiety or depression, either alone or in conjunction with medication. 

You may be thinking—well, of course you would advocate for therapy-- you are a psychologist!—and, yes, you are absolutely right :)

At the same time, my views and beliefs are rooted in my own experience as a clinician and that of so many colleagues who so often have the privilege of bearing witness of the benefits that therapy can bring about. Formal research has also backed up the experience that us as clinicians have individually in our offices-- Therapy has been shown to be effective in addressing a very wide of psychological symptoms or conditions (1, 2). Being in this field and having worked with many people who have been able to effectively work through their grief, anxiety, sadness, or depression, (just to name a few of the most common issues that people seek therapy for) by the means of being engaged in therapy makes me both confident and hopeful that therapy can go a long way in helping people achieve and maintain a sense of emotional balance and harmony in their lives. 

In an effort to speak about therapy in a more tangible way, I outlined below 7 key potential benefits that therapy can bring about—these are just some of the benefits that patients can experience when they are engaged and committed to their own therapy:

1.     A sense of confidence and trust in themselves and in their ability to work through and, to different degrees, “master” symptoms or situations that they initially thought were extremely difficult, or even impossible to manage.

2.     Additional emotional resources in terms of coping with the challenges that life presents us with. Are there alternative ways of perceiving what is happening right now? Can I think of ways in which I may respond that would lead (eventually) to outcomes that are more aligned with what I want for myself? The therapist may or may not ask these questions directly, but the work, in and of itself, often triggers reflection on questions that are similar to the ones mentioned above.

3.     Additional coping skills: you may learn about mindfulness practices, or relaxation training, or about the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, or specific strategies aimed at managing symptoms, as well as ways in which these practices/ strategies can be incorporated in your daily life.

4.     For those who have had the burden of keeping a “secret,” that is, of having had experiences that they have not been able to talk to anyone about, the relief of feeling that you can, in a safe place, start to put words to these experiences can have a significant positive impact in your well-being.

5.     Patients often learn to be in contact with painful feelings, or uncomfortable emotions, and still be present—this is key for our emotional well-being—to learn how to sit with pain and not avoid it. And we do know avoidance fuels so many psychological symptoms.

6.     Patients often learn, through the process of therapy, to contain their most difficult emotions, and, as a result, these emotions tend to become less overwhelming, less daunting, less debilitating and less scary. Patients tend to become more confident in their ability to manage these emotions inside and eventually outside of the therapy room.

7.     Patients have the opportunity to develop a close relationship with an attuned other (therapist)—and how important this relationship can be!  Many patients/ clients have not had a close emotionally attuned person in their lives.  That does not mean that people have not loved them. Loving someone and being able to be attuned to them are different things.  Having the steady presence of a caring, attuned, emotionally present therapist, within the context of the therapeutic relationship, can help us modulate and regulate our emotions so that they become less stressful and frightening, and overall less powerful.

I can probably go on :)

I want to end by thanking you, the reader, for “hearing” this voice who really wants to share with the world the multiple benefits that therapy may bring about.

It is also true that in therapy there are potential “risks” as well, such as the risk that therapy may not be as effective as you thought it would be, or that it would take longer than expected, or that strong emotions that were not present at the time of starting therapy emerge as therapy unfolds.

While these are all true, there are also ways to minimize these risks—in my experience taking your time when looking for a therapist, investing time in learning about the therapists you are considering—carefully reading their websites, learning about them in other places (i.e, do they have a blog or a Facebook page?), and eventually meeting in person to see how you feel with them in the therapy room, are all key ways to maximize the chances of choosing a therapist that would be a good fit for you.

Another common objection I hear about therapy goes something like this: “But therapy takes time and money!” And it is true—therapy is an investment in your own (or your child’s) emotional well-being, and we will likely only give it a chance if we believe that the potential benefits are more valuable than its “risks.”

I could share my views on this and say that therapy can be one of the best investments that one can make as measured by the the emotional wellness that it can bring about both for the patient and for his/ her loved ones and the future pain that it can help to prevent in areas such as relationships, work, and even physical health. But we need to see for ourselves. 

If you are even a tad more open to considering therapy as an avenue for personal growth or to address the psychological pain you may be experiencing, I consider my intentions in writing this blog post completely fulfilled.

A pill can help you manage painful symptoms—but my wish for you is even more encompassing—that you can come out of this process strengthened and more confident, more hopeful and more at peace with yourself and with the world. 

To your well being,

Claudia

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

 You can learn more about my work with anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and in the area of depression at drperolini.com/depression-counseling

References

(1)Seligman, M.E.P. (1995)  The Effectiveness of psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 50, 965–974. Retrieved from https://sites.google.com/site/dpelcovitz/psychotherapyeffectiveness.doc

(2) Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy.  American Psychologist, 65, 98-109. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-65-2-98.pdf

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in Weston, Florida. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

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PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don’t tell me to be happy

Virtually all of us have been there at some point in our life.

It went something like this--  You were feeling sad, upset, anxious, or overwhelmed and upon noticing this a well-meaning family member or friend has innocently told you some variety of: “You know, you have X, Y, and Z, just be happy!” Or, “You know, look at the bright side of things, there is so much to be grateful for, just relax and everything will change for the better”, or, (one of my favorites), “Don’t be anxious, everything is going to be ok.” Etc, etc, etc. You probably can fill in the blanks with one version of the many that well-meaning people say to try to “take away” a difficult emotion we may be having, with the intention of making us feel better.  And probably also because it is hard for most of us to witness and connect with the pain (anxiety, sadness, grief, anger) of someone else.

At the beginning I couldn’t really pinpoint why these comments were SO ineffective. For me, being told to relax NEVER NEVER NEVER worked, and after some time, I would even (sadly) chuckle inside while I wondered if people really thought that being told to feel differently was ever helpful. I could tell people were “just trying to help” me but it surprised me that comments from smart people with great intentions could be so off-target and ineffective. Worse yet, over time these comments tend to create emotional distance between the people involved because, in that moment, one often feels misunderstood and rushed to feel differently, which does nothing to help contain or soften the pain one may be experiencing.

Why does this happen? ... I wondered.  This is a twofold question—why are others eager to move away from what I am currently feeling and strongly suggest that I “feel better” now? AND, Why cant I??

Well, I have to admit that it took me some time and some training to (somewhat) figure it out. 

I think most of us would agree that being able to “calm down” (don’t you just love when people tell you that?) just by being reminded to do so would be great.  However, for most of us it just does not work that way. When we are in the midst of feeling strong emotions, be it anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, grief, or any other difficult feeling, it is very hard to go from that type of feeling to a very different one, such as happiness, joy, tranquility or peace.  It is not impossible, but both in my personal and professional experience as a psychologist, it is pretty rare. Unless we are experienced meditators, for example, or have consistent experience in some other practice/ discipline in which we have devoted time (when we were NOT in the midst of strong emotions) to learn how to access a pathway that would allow us to regulate and modulate our emotions in relatively short periods of time, it is seldom the case that we can move from one extreme to the other in terms of emotions. For most of us, it is just hard to “jump” from one emotion to another very different one (such as from extremely anxious to peaceful) rather quickly, even when provided with an abundance of convincing evidence.  

It is also true that it is hard to have anything sink in emotionally or cognitively when we are in the midst of very strong emotions. Have you noticed this? Try learning a few, otherwise straightforward facts, or to focus on an important task when you are very sad, homesick, anxious, or overwhelmed. It seems that our emotional and cognitive “space” is already “taxed” or “being used by” these other emotions and we just can’t take in new information. But the truth (for most of us, anyway) is that even when not in the middle of strong emotions, being suggested to feel differently is not always well received by our hearts, who first need connection, understanding, and validation before anything else. In my experience, it is almost always after we feel some degree of empathy that intense emotions can find their way to a more manageable state, for example, that of feeling more in control and more balanced.

This is perhaps why I love the quote that says “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation” by Frieda Fromm- Reichmann.  Patient or not patient I think we all rather feel understood and connected at an emotional level, than being explained or told how we should be feeling differently/ better.

So, the next time you are told by well-meaning others about how “you have so many reasons to be happy!” or encouraged to “look at the bright side of things” and you are just not feeling it, know that it makes sense.  This is often not what we need.  Feeling understood, connected, validated, and empathized with is the first step, almost always. Sometimes an honest, caring gaze or a sign of kindness can go a long way to make us feel we are not alone.  There is no point, when we are not ready, to “push” ourselves to a different feeling state. I believe it is mainly through making space for all our feelings (both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones, or at least the unpleasant ones that seem to not be going away) that we may gradually move gracefully through our emotions, learn to be compassionate with ourselves, and eventually feel more grounded, more in control, and more at peace.

My most influential teacher taught me much through his words, but nothing close to his caring gaze to teach me what healing is all about. I, in turn, made it my purpose to provide to my patients a space where HEALING can unfold and BEING can thrive.

If you feel you can benefit from support navigating strong, difficult emotions, such as loneliness, anxiety, sadness, or grief, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success, in whatever your endeavors in life may be,

Dr. P

 You can learn more about my work in the area of anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and about my work in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

We know meditation is good for us: Why is it, then, that it is SO difficult to consistently do it?

Most of us have some familiarity with the potential benefits of daily meditation, or the practice of devoting a certain period of time each day to quiet our minds of the constant stream of thoughts that each of us experience almost every minute of our waking day.

There are so many resources available to us about the different kinds of meditation practices that exist and that are potentially beneficial. Sound meditations, silent meditations, meditations in which we are encouraged to repeat a “mantra,” mindfulness meditations, walking meditations—the list is virtually endless.

What is more, thousands of scientific articles speak about the wonders that meditation can bring about. Benefits to our emotional well-being, such as lower rates of depression or anxiety, to our physical well-being, such as improved immune function, and also cognitive benefits, such as improved ability to focus and to ignore distractions. And we probably could go on and on.

So, I have often wondered… if, generally speaking, as a population, we have become more savvy about the potential benefits of meditation, and we also have more access than ever before to learning about different kinds of meditation practices that are available--

THEN,

Why is it so amazingly hard for many of us to maintain a meditation practice alive....

to let it grow over time, to nurture it, to fall in love with it and its benefits?

Here are my thoughts about it—

As Dr. Kabat-Zinn put it, meditation may be “simple”, but it is certainly not “easy.” Even though inviting our mind to quiet down may seem like a relatively simple, innocuous thing to do, it turns out it is often not. We are used to experience thought after thought after thought flowing through our stream of consciousness and when we try to alter this rhythm, it seems as if, in the beginning, our mind and heart protest, they rebel—it often feels uncomfortable, awkward, or odd; physical sensations may become more salient and catch our attention, or our mind may wander and we may realize that thoughts or ideas that were otherwise dormant or not the center of attention just “pop” in our minds. This, coupled with the consistent time investment required to meditate, seem to be for many of us insurmountable barriers.

The open, clear, allowing space meditation often wants to nurture seems to run counter to the usual rhythm of thought after thought after thought that we “live in” most of the time. And, paradoxically, in some way, that very same “hectic” rhythm of thought after thought seem to play a “protective” role in the short term—it takes our attention away from more difficult thoughts and feelings and keeps our attention in daily, practical issues (such as, what are we having for dinner tonight?) or other similarly innocuous matters.

Partially addressing this, some meditation practices offer the alternative of being in some way “active” during the meditation space, such as walking meditations. This seems to engage our body in a way that, for some people, makes the difference between being able to keep up the practice and not.

As a psychologist, an interesting question I have pondered on is the following-- how is talk therapy similar in some respects to meditation (perhaps in the aspects we want to nurture) and different in a way that may actually allow people (who have a hard time meditating) reap some of the benefits of meditation?

After much thought, this is what I came up with:

These are a few of the aspects that I believe therapy and meditation have in common:

1. Both are gifts you give to yourself that consists of time dedicated specifically and exclusively for you. And when we engage in either, it is a way of taking a stance about ourselves, almost like (silently) stating: we are worthy of certain amount of time dedicated exclusively to ourselves in which, for the most part, we are not “doing” or trying to “accomplish” anything. This mindset in and of itself seem to be very powerful.

People photograph designed by Pressfoto - Freepik.com

2. Both meditation and therapy are processes that foster our ability to be more emotionally present and less judgmental toward ourselves and our circumstances. Both nurture our ability to maintain an open stance and a sense of being firmly grounded, centered, and in balance.

3. Both, over time, tend to strengthen our relationship with ourselves, and our ability to withstand or tolerate difficult feelings or emotions. We tend to become more resilient as a result of these practices.

4. Both, generally speaking, have as a by-product that we may become less impulsive, less reactive, calmer, and more empathic.

5. In both, the relationship with ourselves may start to change. This is key because, as I see it, our relationship with ourselves is probably the most crucial filter through which the rest of our relationships, emotions, feelings, and thoughts go through and that, to a great extent, determine their meaning and impact upon us.

And of course, significant differences are:

1. Therapy is a two—or more—person enterprise.  Therapy consists of a relationship that hopefully strengthens over time and serves as the context and the invitation for the therapeutic work. A strong therapeutic relationship provides hope that no matter how difficult things are, there is a space open for us to become acquainted with all of our feelings and thoughts in a place where we will be listened to without judgment and without an agenda.  Intense, highly charged emotions are very hard to process on our own and often the benefit of a strong therapeutic relationship is a key factor in being able to access, manage, and contain strong emotions.

2. Therapy provides a frame that delineates the parameters that will characterize the therapeutic relationship—we meet in a certain place, at a certain time, for certain predetermined amount of time, for a certain fee. This frame is a critical factor that sustains the therapeutic work, increasing the likelihood that the therapeutic work is effective.

3. Meditation generally promotes quieting the stream of thoughts that we have in our mind, whereas therapy is generally used to become more in touch with any and all of the thoughts and feelings that are present in our minds.

This is a simplified, short, not exhaustive list of ways in which these practices are alike and different. I do not imply, of course, that therapy and meditation aim to serve the same purposes or that one is better than the other.  We know from the research that both can have a significant positive impact in our experience of life.  

My intention through this writing is to share my view about some of the similarities and key differences between these two powerful processes and to perhaps sparkle some interest in the therapeutic process in those of you who would like to reap some of the benefits described earlier but find it hard or impossible at this time in your lives to engage in a meditation practice (whatever the reason may be.) It is worth noting that meditation and therapy are not mutually exclusive and many people who engage in both reap complementary benefits of these practices.

Wishing you success and peace,

Dr. Perolini

You can learn more about my work in the area of anxiety at https://drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.  

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