In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."
This reaction happens because the hurt caused during childhood can be long-lasting and profound. Emotional neglect or abuse can shape how a person sees themselves, others, and the world, leaving behind emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood. By the time a parent offers an apology, the adult child may intellectually acknowledge it, but emotionally, it often doesn’t reach the depth of pain that was experienced during childhood. At that point, the individual has typically developed coping mechanisms, emotional defenses, or even a level of emotional disconnection to survive those early wounds.
It makes sense that an apology after years of emotional harm doesn't fully heal the hurt. The damage can be so ingrained that simple words, even if they are heartfelt, cannot undo the suffering or erase the behavioral patterns formed in response. This is why some individuals perceive such apologies as "too little, too late." While the apology might provide some relief or comfort, it doesn't address the core of what was lost or unmet. Healing from these experiences often requires much more than an apology, even though it may be the most the person offering it can provide in the present moment.
How can therapy help?
Therapy can be a powerful space for those who’ve endured such relational trauma to process its lingering effects. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they can work through these experiences on their journey toward healing. Though an apology may be well-meaning, it is rarely enough to heal the deep wounds created in early life.
Some of my clients who’ve had this experience have struggled with guilt as a result, feeling they should be able to let go of the past in the face of what seems like a sincere apology.
Patients navigate these experiences in different ways.
One specific client comes to mind who over time allowed herself to hold the tension of “appreciating” the apology while also acknowledging that true healing could only come from her ongoing commitment to self-care through therapy—and other nurturing practices. Together, we navigated how apologies can sometimes trigger guilt, especially when the individual realizes that an apology doesn’t erase the painful parts of who they’ve become as a result of trauma. Many people, for example, carry a deep sense of unworthiness or feeling “less than,” which is hard to shake even with heartfelt apologies.
While trauma impacts people differently, feelings like these are common among those who have experienced developmental trauma. This type of trauma refers to the emotional harm caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or adversity during a child’s critical stages of growth. It disrupts the formation of healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and a sense of self, leading to long-term mental health struggles and challenges in relationships.
If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and there is nothing “wrong” with the way you’re reacting. If you’d like to explore how therapy could support your healing process, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com. To read more about my work in this area you can check out my pages on anxiety , depression, and/or trauma.
To honoring your own feelings,
Dr. P
