What if I Don’t Feel Thankful This Year?

Thanksgiving is just around the corner here in North America. With it comes the decorations in stores, the fall colors, and the many conversations about plans—where we’re going, who’s coming over, or how we’re celebrating. “Turkey Day” takes center stage for most of us, as it’s one of the major holidays in the United States.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of gathering and gratitude—a beautiful sentiment if we feel we have reasons to be thankful or can access that emotional state. I know some people say, “There’s always something to be grateful for,” and while that may be true, gratitude can often feel subjective. It really depends on the eyes of the beholder.

If I had just lost my partner of 20 years last month, for instance, gratitude might not feel accessible at all. That’s an extreme example, but we all endure our fair share of pain in life—grief, loss, illness, missed opportunities, divorce, accidents, or even drifting away from people we once held dear. For some, Thanksgiving might even highlight what’s missing. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay if gratitude doesn’t come easily this holiday season. Or if it does not come at all.

You feel the way you feel. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to experience this holiday.

I’m not suggesting that anyone going through hardship automatically can’t feel thankful. That’s not the case at all. Gratitude is deeply personal. Some may find solace in reflecting on the good in their lives, even amidst challenges. What I’ve noticed in my practice over the years is that many people feel guilty for not being able to connect with gratitude, especially during this season. It’s not that anyone intentionally applies pressure to “be thankful,” but the widespread cheer of the holiday can leave some feeling like they’re falling short.

I’ve sat with patients who were angry, grieving, or feeling betrayed during Thanksgiving season.  Their pain was raw—whether they were mourning a loss, dealing with the discovery of infidelity, or navigating a life-altering change (e.g., moving out of state, a recent health diagnosis, so on and so forth). These are the more visible, acute examples.

But sometimes, it’s subtler.

I’ve had patients wrestle with the quiet frustration of feeling stuck, as though life is passing them by and they’re not living up to their potential. For them, Thanksgiving might bring up bittersweet memories or a longing for simpler times—those carefree childhood days when life seemed so much easier.

If you’re not feeling especially thankful this Thanksgiving, I see you. Please know there’s no pressure to feel anything other than what’s real for you. Our emotions are what they are—valid, authentic, and deserving of space.

If you’re finding this season particularly challenging and feel you could benefit from a safe, confidential space to share and process your feelings, I’m here. You can book a free 20-minute phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit to work together at www.calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my pages on anxiety, depression, or trauma.

Until next time,

Dr. P

The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

As a psychologist working with teens, I have the kind of unique opportunity to hear and witness up close what being a high schooler nowadays is like. One trend that came up more and more clearly over the years is that many teenagers feel increasing pressure to engage in sexual activity earlier in their high school years. This pressure often comes from peers, sometimes friends, media, and/ or from a desire to meet perceived expectations from other people their age or a few years older. While this can impact all teens, it’s especially challenging for young women, who may feel the weight of these pressures more strongly and most often than not share with me that the idea they had of their “first time” differs significantly from what they had experienced.  

 A shift I've noticed is how sex is being framed in these formative years. Rather than being seen as an expression of some sort of meaningful, emotionally connected relationship, it is often treated as a physical act with less (little or no) consideration for the relational context. My young clients share stories that reveal just how prevalent this mindset has become, from casual sexual encounters at parties to guys asking around for oral sex at school (I assume only the request is made during school hours).

Granted, not all teens view sex this way, and I certainly approach this topic in a nonjudgment way. I however, do see the pain, disappointment, and regret young teen girls endure as a result of being part of this environment. My goal is to highlight the emotional impact that emerge, especially for girls (but not only restricted to teen girls), when they engage in sex before they’re truly ready or for reasons that aren’t aligned with their values. Alcohol and other substances, such as weed are often part of the picture during parties and social gatherings which further compound the problem.

 The Emotional Impact of Casual Sex on Teens, Especially Young Women

 Here are some of the common adverse effects teens may experience after engaging in casual sex, particularly when they feel pressured or uncertain:

• Feelings of regret and emptiness: Many young women report a sense of emptiness or regret after engaging in casual sex. Instead of feeling closer to the other person, they often feel disconnected and question their decision. Studies indicate that a significant percentage of teens (about 40%) who engaged in sex due to peer pressure later wished they had waited until it felt right for them.

• Anxiety over potential pregnancy or sexual transmitted infections (STIs): The physical risks of sexual activity, including unintended pregnancy and STIs, add a layer of stress that lingers long after the sexual encounter is over. Teen girls especially face heightened anxiety around these issues, impacting their emotional well-being.

• Difficulty with boundaries and saying no: Many young women, particularly those who are naturally inclined to please others, struggle to assert their boundaries. This can make it challenging for them to say no, even if they’re uncomfortable. They may go along with sexual encounters they don’t fully want, which can harm their self-esteem and self-worth.

• A sense of being used or devalued: Teens who engage in casual sex often feel disappointed when the person they were with doesn’t reciprocate any emotional connection. Feeling used or as though the encounter was transactional can be painful, leading to feelings of devaluation. 

• Social consequences and peer dynamics: When private moments are shared openly with peers (or worse, on social media) by the other, teens feel exposed or humiliated. The emotional aftermath can be profound, leading to feelings of shame, isolation, and social anxiety. They basically want to hide, and not go to school as they know so many people now know of their private sexual lives.

Can you imagine being able to concentrate in Geometry while dealing with these feelings? Extremely hard to say the least.

Some of my clients have confided that they participated in sexual activities simply because it seemed to be the “norm” or because they feared rejection. “It seems to be what kids do at this age”, “my girlfriends encouraged me to,” and “I have heard around that I am the only virgin among my friend group” are reasons some of my regretful lovely young teen girls cite as reasons for saying yes.

For teens navigating these pressures, therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore their thoughts and feelings around this topic: what is it that they want? How can they be prepared to withstand the peer pressure (from guys and girls alike) to “just do it” (if waiting is what they truly want to do)? Understanding the social and implicit pressures that may not always be obvious allows teens to make more conscious choices. In therapy, they can reflect on what feels right for them, helping them gain clarity on their boundaries and values.

It’s also worth noting that, while sexual pressure isn’t the primary issue for most teens who come to see me, it often surfaces in our conversations. Whether they need support in making these decisions or in processing feelings of discomfort after a sexual experience that didn’t go as they had hoped, the therapy space is open to offer a safe and nonjudgmental space in which teens can explore any and all feelings.

If you are a teen or a parent of a teen who could benefit from a compassionate, confidential space to discuss and work through these or any other issues, please feel free to reach out. I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation, which you can schedule at calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my page on teen counseling.

Until next time,

Dr. P

When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."

This reaction happens because the hurt caused during childhood can be long-lasting and profound. Emotional neglect or abuse can shape how a person sees themselves, others, and the world, leaving behind emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood. By the time a parent offers an apology, the adult child may intellectually acknowledge it, but emotionally, it often doesn’t reach the depth of pain that was experienced during childhood. At that point, the individual has typically developed coping mechanisms, emotional defenses, or even a level of emotional disconnection to survive those early wounds.

It makes sense that an apology after years of emotional harm doesn't fully heal the hurt. The damage can be so ingrained that simple words, even if they are heartfelt, cannot undo the suffering or erase the behavioral patterns formed in response. This is why some individuals perceive such apologies as "too little, too late." While the apology might provide some relief or comfort, it doesn't address the core of what was lost or unmet. Healing from these experiences often requires much more than an apology, even though it may be the most the person offering it can provide in the present moment.  

How can therapy help?

Therapy can be a powerful space for those who’ve endured such relational trauma to process its lingering effects. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they can work through these experiences on their journey toward healing. Though an apology may be well-meaning, it is rarely enough to heal the deep wounds created in early life.

Some of my clients who’ve had this experience have struggled with guilt as a result, feeling they should be able to let go of the past in the face of what seems like a sincere apology.

Patients navigate these experiences in different ways.

One specific client comes to mind who over time allowed herself to hold the tension of “appreciating” the apology while also acknowledging that true healing could only come from her ongoing commitment to self-care through therapy—and other nurturing practices. Together, we navigated how apologies can sometimes trigger guilt, especially when the individual realizes that an apology doesn’t erase the painful parts of who they’ve become as a result of trauma. Many people, for example, carry a deep sense of unworthiness or feeling “less than,” which is hard to shake even with heartfelt apologies.

While trauma impacts people differently, feelings like these are common among those who have experienced developmental trauma. This type of trauma refers to the emotional harm caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or adversity during a child’s critical stages of growth. It disrupts the formation of healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and a sense of self, leading to long-term mental health struggles and challenges in relationships.

If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and there is nothing “wrong” with the way you’re reacting. If you’d like to explore how therapy could support your healing process, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com. To read more about my work in this area you can check out my pages on anxiety , depression, and/or trauma.

To honoring your own feelings,

Dr. P

Unveiling Complex Trauma: Its Impact on Attachment Relationships and Healing

Complex trauma is a profound psychological experience that significantly differs from acute trauma in its lasting impact on individuals' lives. As a psychologist specializing in trauma, I aim to shed light on the silent tragedy of complex trauma and its profound effects on attachment relationships. This blog post is an invitation to understand complex trauma, its implications, and the journey of healing for those who have experienced it.

Understanding Complex Trauma

Complex trauma refers to a pattern of enduring psychological distress resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events or experiences that deeply affect an individual's sense of self, safety, and well-being. Unlike acute trauma, which often involves a single incident, complex trauma can stem from ongoing situations such as childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or living in environments of chronic adversity and instability.

While some forms of complex trauma, such as physical abuse could be more overt and sometimes more easily identifiable, complex trauma also encompasses a broader range of experiences that are often insidious and less visible. One example of complex trauma is being repeatedly invalidated or silenced, where an individual's thoughts, feelings, or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or invalidated by others. When we experience this treatment in our innermost circle, often our families of origin, it tends to lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and powerlessness.

For instance, a person growing up in a family environment where their emotions are consistently disregarded or belittled may develop a deep sense of invalidation. Their attempts to express themselves or seek support may be met with responses like "stop being so sensitive" or "you're overreacting," which can contribute to a chronic feeling of not being heard or understood. Or even more, of feeling they do not deserve to be heard, understood, and supported. This ongoing invalidation can erode self-esteem, create difficulties in forming trusting relationships, and lead to emotional dysregulation and insecurity. In this way, complex trauma has significant implications for development and its consequences are far-reaching.

““Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.” ”

— Peter A. Levine

The Impact on Attachment Relationships

One of the most significant consequences of complex trauma is its profound impact on attachment relationships. Attachment refers to the emotional bond between individuals, especially in early childhood with primary caregivers. Complex trauma can disrupt the development of secure attachment patterns, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships later in life.

Challenges in Relationships and Boundaries

The impact of complex trauma extends to struggles in relationships and setting healthy boundaries. Trauma survivors may find it challenging to establish boundaries, say no, or prioritize their emotional well-being. This difficulty in asserting boundaries can lead to further challenges in maintaining healthy relationships and self-esteem.

Loss and Loneliness

In my work with clients who have experienced complex trauma, feelings of loss are pervasive. There is a profound sense of loss of trust, innocence, and the possibility of a carefree childhood. Trauma survivors often carry a heavy burden of loneliness, feeling isolated in their experiences and unable to share their pain due to fear, shame, or disbelief from others.

 Complex Trauma Shatters One’s Sense of Safety

Complex trauma challenges our sense of safety in the world, even when the traumatic events are no longer actively occurring or when the individuals responsible for the trauma are no longer present. The effects of trauma can linger long after the actual events, influencing how individuals perceive and navigate their surroundings. For example, someone who experienced chronic emotional neglect or psychological abuse as a child may struggle with feelings of distrust, hypervigilance, and anxiety in adulthood, even in seemingly safe environments. This persistent sense of threat or danger can impact daily functioning, relationships, and overall well-being, creating barriers to experiencing a sense of security and trust in the world.

Moreover, complex trauma can extend beyond the perpetrators' lifetimes, continuing to affect survivors even after their death. The unresolved emotional wounds, negative beliefs, and coping mechanisms developed in response to trauma can persist, shaping individuals' thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses. This highlights the enduring nature of complex trauma and the profound challenges it poses to healing and recovery. Therapy and trauma-informed interventions play a crucial role in addressing complex trauma, helping individuals process their experiences, rebuild a sense of safety and self-worth, and develop healthier coping strategies for navigating life's challenges.

The Therapeutic Journey

Therapy plays a vital role in the healing journey of individuals with complex trauma. It provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore and process their experiences, rewrite their narratives, and release feelings of shame, guilt, and responsibility that are often carried for years. Through therapy, trauma survivors can begin to shed the burdens they carry inside and find validation, understanding, and empowerment.

Empowerment and Healing

As clients progress in therapy, they often experience a shift towards empowerment and healing. They gain a deeper understanding of how complex trauma has shaped their lives and behaviors, allowing them to reclaim agency and authorship over their narratives. With reduced symptoms of anxiety, improved sleep patterns, and a greater sense of peace, clients can embark on a journey of introspection, self-compassion, and resilience.

Conclusion

Complex trauma is a multifaceted experience that deeply impacts attachment relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Through therapy and healing work, individuals can navigate the complexities of their trauma, find validation and support, and gradually reclaim a sense of agency, peace, and empowerment in their lives. As a psychologist specializing in trauma, I am dedicated to supporting clients on their unique healing journeys and guiding them towards a path of self-discovery and emotional well-being. You can read more about my work with trauma at https://drperolini.com/trauma-therapy. You can take the first step by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you. Click here if you want to learn more about what working with me.

To your healing journey!

Dr. P

Understanding the complex grief of losing a loved one to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating and complex experience that leaves a lasting impact on those left behind. In my work as a psychologist, I have had the privilege of supporting patients who are grappling with the aftermath of such tragic loss. In this blog, I aim to expand on the multifaceted nature of grief after suicide and the way in which therapy can support those who had endured this painful experience in their lives. A consistent, supportive space in the form of therapy may help contain the immensity of the pain that loved ones are left to deal with.

The Weight of Unanswered Questions

One of the initial challenges faced by those mourning a suicide are the many unanswered questions that haunt their minds. "Did they not care enough about me that they could do this?" and "Could I have done something to prevent it?" are common questions that can lead to overwhelming feelings of anger, guilt, and/ or regret. As a therapist, creating a safe space for my patients to explore these questions is crucial. Together, we navigate the complexities of guilt, recognizing that it is a heavy burden to bear and requires an engaged other (the therapist) who is open, present, and ready to engage in the way the patient needs us to.

As therapists, we have to recognize that sometimes there are no words to capture the amount of pain a patient is experiencing. And this is absolutely fine. In patient’s silences there is ample opportunity to convey engagement in the face of profound despair.

Acknowledging the Complexity of Emotions

Grieving a loved one lost to suicide involves a rollercoaster of emotions. Anguish, pain, anger, confusion, and numbness are all part of the emotional reactions that may emerge. The question of "How could they do this to me or to our family?" is a valid expression of the anger that often coexists with profound sorrow. In therapy, my role is to provide a supportive environment where these emotions can be openly expressed and explored without judgment as well as to over time help patients make meaning of this experience.

Grieving our loss

The stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross* and later expanded by colleagues,– shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance, and integration – provide a framework for understanding the emotional journey after a loss. However, it's essential to recognize that grieving the death of a loved one to suicide doesn't follow a linear path. Therapy becomes a vital tool for helping individuals navigate these stages, providing a safe and non-judgmental space to process the complexities of their emotions.

““Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.””

— Leo Tolstoy

Creating Space for Healing

In therapy, we embark on a journey of healing that allows individuals to unpack the impact of their traumatic loss. The safety of the therapy room becomes a sanctuary where clients can explore the layers of their emotions, gradually moving towards acceptance and integration at their very own pace. It is crucial to emphasize that healing is a unique and non-linear process, and therapy provides a supportive space for individuals to work through their grief at the pace that feels right for them.

A common experience patients have after months or years passed and the loss is not that recent anymore is that it is often hard for them to find people who in some way still make reference to the person who died or more generally the loss they have experienced. This is understandable since people may prefer to not bring it up out of a fear that this would upset the person and they don’t want to create more pain for those who already have suffered so much. This tends to leave the loved one often feeling alone in their pain, and with the feeling that after a big “wave” of care and caring ears at the time of the loss, people seems to have forgotten or be less actively interested in how the process of grieving is unfolding for the loved one.

Attachment, psychodynamic, and existential approaches in working with grief

My work as a psychologist is rooted in attachment-based, psychodynamic, and existential approaches and this “lens” certainly guides my work with patients grieving a traumatic loss. I approach the grieving process of a traumatic loss by acknowledging the profound impact of attachment dynamics. The loss of a loved one to suicide can disrupt attachment patterns, leading to a complex interplay of emotions related to abandonment, rejection, and even betrayal. Attachment-based therapy offers a framework for exploring these dynamics and over time rebuilding a sense of security and connection. An existential framework allows for the exploration of themes related to one’s own mortality, personal freedom, deliberate choice, individual responsibility, and the pursuit of meaning, themes that often come up in the work with patients grieving a traumatic loss.

Losing a loved one to suicide is a challenging journey that ideally requires presence, engagement, and compassionate support. In my work as a psychologist, I am committed to helping individuals navigate the complex experience of grief. In therapy, we create a space for open exploration of emotions, acknowledging the unique challenges posed by suicide loss. Together with my patients we work towards healing, acceptance, and the gradual integration of the profound impact of such a traumatic experience.

If you are grappling with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, or in any traumatic context, know that seeking support is a courageous step towards reclaiming a sense of hope and connection in the midst of profound loss. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

With deep respect,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

References

Kubler-Ross, D., & Kessler, E. (2014). On grief and grieving. Simon & Schuster.

In the face of overwhelming pain.. and NOT knowing what to do.. cutting became an option

Overwhelmed, confused, and feeling SO alone. You did not know what else to do. How to possibly contain the emotional pain you were feeling? The suffering. The downward spiral set of events that have been happening in your life and that feel so much out of your control.

If you have engaged in any type of self-harm in the past, such as cutting, burning, punching yourself (or things, such as a wall), you know the world at large does not “get” this behavior.  People, including loving family members and friends, if they were to find out, may seem perplexed at a behavior that may seem counterintuitive, confusing, and paradoxical. Definitely at odds –-to the world at large-- with helping anyone feel better.

But you know this is not the case. You have perhaps felt the instant relief or numbness that tends to come with the act of cutting. It seems to numb —even if for a short period of time— the emotional pain you may be experiencing. If people around you know you engage in self-harming behaviors, you probably have been asked whether you feel any physical pain when you do it.

For many teens and young adults who cut, the “trade off” between the sharp relief from emotional pain at the time of cutting (or other self-harming behaviors) and the minor physical discomfort associated with the cutting itself seems to be “worth it”. There is a silence and a stillness, a sense of increased control and for a brief moment troubles fall into the background. They are not the front and center, hurtful reality we may experience otherwise. Perhaps paradoxically, self-injury seems to bring about a sense of calmness in the midst of the chaos that may be so prevalent in our inner world.

If you are like most individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors, you either haven’t told anyone, or have trusted this very personal area of yourself to very few people. And of course. It seems like too much risk, too much vulnerability inherent in disclosing such an intimate part of your experience. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults who have chosen to disclose this behavior to others, have encountered judgment, well-reasoned, rational explanations for why this behavior does not make sense, and usually an invitation or a strong encouragement to stop it.  Some well-meaning others may be very concerned or even panic in the face of learning about self-harming behaviors, as they may equate self-injury with a desire to die. Yet you know that this tends not to be the case. It is not death that you are after. What you, and so many others want, is relief from overwhelming psychic pain that at times feels uncontainable, overwhelming, and insurmountable.

So you are no stranger to misunderstanding and judgment about what this behavior may mean. You may feel stuck in a cycle. Perhaps you have tried to leave this behavior in the past, but it has been extremely hard. You seem to resort to it when things get to be “too much” to deal with or contain. After all, it does provide some relief, even if it is short-lived.

But perhaps you have dreamed of more than short-lived relief of psychic pain. Perhaps at times you have dreamed of a life in which the pain was more bearable, you felt less alone, and more contained. A life in which you had the space to process any pain (or any feelings, really) that needed to be held, perhaps put into words, and integrated into the narrative of your life.

I would like to think that this life that you envisioned is possible

Wherever you are in the path of self-injury, please know you do not have to keep walking this path alone. This path in which you do not feel understood, you often feel judged, and you yourself may not even fully understand what makes this behavior so powerful, in the moment. It makes sense that you feel this way. Self-injury is a very complex behavior, usually difficult to understand and make sense of it for most people.

If you engage in any type of self-injury, it is likely that you have experienced the “other side” of this behavior as well. And what I mean by this is that relief and numbness are  generally not the only feeling associated with this behavior, right? For most people, there are significant doses of shame, guilt, confusion, and frustration revolving around this behavior, its causes, its potential implications, and its ramifications. In other words, the momentary relief you may experience at the time of cutting (or of any other self-injurious behavior) takes a toll. It comes with a cost. A high price attached to it.  It may become a habit. And we may even have a very difficult time finding ways to NOT engage in this behavior even when we decide we may want to rely on alternative coping mechanisms.

If you read up to this point, you probably know if I am describing a cycle of feelings and events that you experience. Perhaps a part of you would really want to take a better look at this cycle to gain a more in-depth understanding of its origins, functions, and purpose. Perhaps it is hard to imagine life without cutting… yet a part of you is curious of how would life be like if that had not become your go-to way to manage huge amounts of distress and tension. You know first hand how it feels like to experience pressures, and, perhaps you even felt that cutting had allowed you to “keep it together.”

I find this quote by Robert Frost to be so incredibly powerful--

““The only way out is through””

If there is even a very small part of you that is curious about yourself, your experiences, including your experience of self-injury, and you are up to trying out a space in which your needs always take precedence and there is no judgment about you, your experiences, or anything else that you may choose to bring up, feel free to reach out.

Even after you reach out for the first time, you are always in control regarding whether you want to engage in the process of therapy, for how long, and the pace at which therapy unfold. Greater emotional freedom is one outcome that many therapy patients have expressed they have experienced as a result working in therapy with a clinician who was a good fit for them.

Taking the first step is the most difficult. It takes a lot of courage. If we realize we are a good fit for each other, and you want to start therapy, I offer you my commitment to work together toward the life you would like to create for yourself. If we realize we are not a good fit, I will do my best to help you connect with a clinician that may be a better fit for your specific needs. My goal is to support you in your path toward the life that you desire. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and freedom,

Dr. Claudia Perolini

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don’t tell me to be happy

Virtually all of us have been there at some point in our life.

It went something like this--  You were feeling sad, upset, anxious, or overwhelmed and upon noticing this a well-meaning family member or friend has innocently told you some variety of: “You know, you have X, Y, and Z, just be happy!” Or, “You know, look at the bright side of things, there is so much to be grateful for, just relax and everything will change for the better”, or, (one of my favorites), “Don’t be anxious, everything is going to be ok.” Etc, etc, etc. You probably can fill in the blanks with one version of the many that well-meaning people say to try to “take away” a difficult emotion we may be having, with the intention of making us feel better.  And probably also because it is hard for most of us to witness and connect with the pain (anxiety, sadness, grief, anger) of someone else.

At the beginning I couldn’t really pinpoint why these comments were SO ineffective. For me, being told to relax NEVER NEVER NEVER worked, and after some time, I would even (sadly) chuckle inside while I wondered if people really thought that being told to feel differently was ever helpful. I could tell people were “just trying to help” me but it surprised me that comments from smart people with great intentions could be so off-target and ineffective. Worse yet, over time these comments tend to create emotional distance between the people involved because, in that moment, one often feels misunderstood and rushed to feel differently, which does nothing to help contain or soften the pain one may be experiencing.

Why does this happen? ... I wondered.  This is a twofold question—why are others eager to move away from what I am currently feeling and strongly suggest that I “feel better” now? AND, Why cant I??

Well, I have to admit that it took me some time and some training to (somewhat) figure it out. 

I think most of us would agree that being able to “calm down” (don’t you just love when people tell you that?) just by being reminded to do so would be great.  However, for most of us it just does not work that way. When we are in the midst of feeling strong emotions, be it anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, grief, or any other difficult feeling, it is very hard to go from that type of feeling to a very different one, such as happiness, joy, tranquility or peace.  It is not impossible, but both in my personal and professional experience as a psychologist, it is pretty rare. Unless we are experienced meditators, for example, or have consistent experience in some other practice/ discipline in which we have devoted time (when we were NOT in the midst of strong emotions) to learn how to access a pathway that would allow us to regulate and modulate our emotions in relatively short periods of time, it is seldom the case that we can move from one extreme to the other in terms of emotions. For most of us, it is just hard to “jump” from one emotion to another very different one (such as from extremely anxious to peaceful) rather quickly, even when provided with an abundance of convincing evidence.  

It is also true that it is hard to have anything sink in emotionally or cognitively when we are in the midst of very strong emotions. Have you noticed this? Try learning a few, otherwise straightforward facts, or to focus on an important task when you are very sad, homesick, anxious, or overwhelmed. It seems that our emotional and cognitive “space” is already “taxed” or “being used by” these other emotions and we just can’t take in new information. But the truth (for most of us, anyway) is that even when not in the middle of strong emotions, being suggested to feel differently is not always well received by our hearts, who first need connection, understanding, and validation before anything else. In my experience, it is almost always after we feel some degree of empathy that intense emotions can find their way to a more manageable state, for example, that of feeling more in control and more balanced.

This is perhaps why I love the quote that says “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation” by Frieda Fromm- Reichmann.  Patient or not patient I think we all rather feel understood and connected at an emotional level, than being explained or told how we should be feeling differently/ better.

So, the next time you are told by well-meaning others about how “you have so many reasons to be happy!” or encouraged to “look at the bright side of things” and you are just not feeling it, know that it makes sense.  This is often not what we need.  Feeling understood, connected, validated, and empathized with is the first step, almost always. Sometimes an honest, caring gaze or a sign of kindness can go a long way to make us feel we are not alone.  There is no point, when we are not ready, to “push” ourselves to a different feeling state. I believe it is mainly through making space for all our feelings (both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones, or at least the unpleasant ones that seem to not be going away) that we may gradually move gracefully through our emotions, learn to be compassionate with ourselves, and eventually feel more grounded, more in control, and more at peace.

My most influential teacher taught me much through his words, but nothing close to his caring gaze to teach me what healing is all about. I, in turn, made it my purpose to provide to my patients a space where HEALING can unfold and BEING can thrive.

If you feel you can benefit from support navigating strong, difficult emotions, such as loneliness, anxiety, sadness, or grief, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success, in whatever your endeavors in life may be,

Dr. P

 You can learn more about my work in the area of anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and about my work in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.