Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating and complex experience that leaves a lasting impact on those left behind. In my work as a psychologist, I have had the privilege of supporting patients who are grappling with the aftermath of such tragic loss. In this blog, I aim to expand on the multifaceted nature of grief after suicide and the way in which therapy can support those who had endured this painful experience in their lives. A consistent, supportive space in the form of therapy may help contain the immensity of the pain that loved ones are left to deal with.
The Weight of Unanswered Questions
One of the initial challenges faced by those mourning a suicide are the many unanswered questions that haunt their minds. "Did they not care enough about me that they could do this?" and "Could I have done something to prevent it?" are common questions that can lead to overwhelming feelings of anger, guilt, and/ or regret. As a therapist, creating a safe space for my patients to explore these questions is crucial. Together, we navigate the complexities of guilt, recognizing that it is a heavy burden to bear and requires an engaged other (the therapist) who is open, present, and ready to engage in the way the patient needs us to.
As therapists, we have to recognize that sometimes there are no words to capture the amount of pain a patient is experiencing. And this is absolutely fine. In patient’s silences there is ample opportunity to convey engagement in the face of profound despair.
Acknowledging the Complexity of Emotions
Grieving a loved one lost to suicide involves a rollercoaster of emotions. Anguish, pain, anger, confusion, and numbness are all part of the emotional reactions that may emerge. The question of "How could they do this to me or to our family?" is a valid expression of the anger that often coexists with profound sorrow. In therapy, my role is to provide a supportive environment where these emotions can be openly expressed and explored without judgment as well as to over time help patients make meaning of this experience.
Grieving our loss
The stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross* and later expanded by colleagues,– shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance, and integration – provide a framework for understanding the emotional journey after a loss. However, it's essential to recognize that grieving the death of a loved one to suicide doesn't follow a linear path. Therapy becomes a vital tool for helping individuals navigate these stages, providing a safe and non-judgmental space to process the complexities of their emotions.
““Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.””
Creating Space for Healing
In therapy, we embark on a journey of healing that allows individuals to unpack the impact of their traumatic loss. The safety of the therapy room becomes a sanctuary where clients can explore the layers of their emotions, gradually moving towards acceptance and integration at their very own pace. It is crucial to emphasize that healing is a unique and non-linear process, and therapy provides a supportive space for individuals to work through their grief at the pace that feels right for them.
A common experience patients have after months or years passed and the loss is not that recent anymore is that it is often hard for them to find people who in some way still make reference to the person who died or more generally the loss they have experienced. This is understandable since people may prefer to not bring it up out of a fear that this would upset the person and they don’t want to create more pain for those who already have suffered so much. This tends to leave the loved one often feeling alone in their pain, and with the feeling that after a big “wave” of care and caring ears at the time of the loss, people seems to have forgotten or be less actively interested in how the process of grieving is unfolding for the loved one.
Attachment, psychodynamic, and existential approaches in working with grief
My work as a psychologist is rooted in attachment-based, psychodynamic, and existential approaches and this “lens” certainly guides my work with patients grieving a traumatic loss. I approach the grieving process of a traumatic loss by acknowledging the profound impact of attachment dynamics. The loss of a loved one to suicide can disrupt attachment patterns, leading to a complex interplay of emotions related to abandonment, rejection, and even betrayal. Attachment-based therapy offers a framework for exploring these dynamics and over time rebuilding a sense of security and connection. An existential framework allows for the exploration of themes related to one’s own mortality, personal freedom, deliberate choice, individual responsibility, and the pursuit of meaning, themes that often come up in the work with patients grieving a traumatic loss.
Losing a loved one to suicide is a challenging journey that ideally requires presence, engagement, and compassionate support. In my work as a psychologist, I am committed to helping individuals navigate the complex experience of grief. In therapy, we create a space for open exploration of emotions, acknowledging the unique challenges posed by suicide loss. Together with my patients we work towards healing, acceptance, and the gradual integration of the profound impact of such a traumatic experience.
If you are grappling with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, or in any traumatic context, know that seeking support is a courageous step towards reclaiming a sense of hope and connection in the midst of profound loss. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
With deep respect,
Dr. P
You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
References
Kubler-Ross, D., & Kessler, E. (2014). On grief and grieving. Simon & Schuster.
