For adolescences the quest for a sense of belonging is both fundamental and at the core of their path during these formative years. As a psychologist working with teens, I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact that not feeling a strong sense of belonging can have on a teen's mental health. Not only their emotional well-being, but also their physical health and academic performance may be affected when teens have pervasive feelings of not belonging. Increased anxiety, depression, social isolation, and lowered self-esteem are some of the most common effects of feeling that we do not belong.
“Why?” you are perhaps asking yourself. Let me share with you.
A sense of belonging, that subjective feeling of deep connection with a social group or sometimes also with a physical place, is a crucial human need with important implications. We human beings are social beings, meaning that we thrive when we are in close connection with others. This is most noticeable during the adolescent years, when teens spend increasing amounts of time with their peers without the presence of adults, and peers thus become the most significant reference group for adolescents (Hartup, 1999). For teens, this often plays out in the context of school, where peer relationships take center stage.
The Struggle to Belong
Teens, in their eagerness to connect, often initiate efforts to belong. However, throughout the years working with teens, I have observed how these deliberate attempts to cultivate connections are sometimes met with rejection, leaving teens feeling dismissed and invisible. This struggle is a common thread in the narratives of many of my teen clients, impacting their interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. What is more, these experiences leave teens feeling more vulnerable to the dangers of social media, as they often continue to look online for the connection and validation they cannot find in the real day-to-day experience.
One of my former patients, that I will call Mandy, comes to mind as I reflect on the struggle many teens endure in an effort to feel like they belong. Mandy's journey through therapy serves as a clear example of the detrimental impact of not belonging on adolescents’ mental health. Once a cheerful and outgoing girl, Mandy found herself isolated and with an overwhelm sense of defeat, even hopelessness at times, unable to form connections with her peers at school, not matter how hard she tried. In fact, sometimes, the harder she tried, the deeper the pain. The pain of feeling invisible led her to bend over backwards, adopting behaviors that were not authentic to her true self just in an effort to “be more like them,” as Many would say. This took a toll on her self-esteem as she compromised her values to fit an image she believed would earn her popularity, and, eventually acceptance.
““Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.””
The False Sense of Belonging
Mandy's story reflects a common pattern – the pursuit of a sense of belonging that ends up being a false one. In attempting to conform to what teens think it is expected of them by their peers, they often lose touch with their authentic selves, leading to internal conflict and a fractured sense of identity. In therapy, the journey involves unpacking these layers, exploring the impact of societal pressures, and fostering a genuine acceptance of one's true self.
The Role of Therapy in Fostering Acceptance
Attachment-based psychotherapy provides a unique lens through which to view the challenges of belonging in adolescence. By creating a non-judgmental space for exploration, therapy becomes a sanctuary where teens can reflect on their sense of self and navigate the complexities of their relationships. Mandy's gradual realization of the void created by not being true to herself underscores the therapeutic process of self-discovery and acceptance.
The Gradual Path to Acceptance and the Corresponding Ease in Depression and Anxiety
The journey towards self-acceptance is gradual, requiring a strong connection between therapist and client. In therapy, teens like Mandy learn to cultivate a sense of self-worth less dependent of external validation. Through deepening their awareness and insight, they gain the confidence to embrace their true selves, fostering a healthier relationship with both themselves and others.
The Empowering Impact of Self-Knowledge
As teens develop a deeper understanding of their dynamics and relationships, they experience a newfound sense of choice and empowerment. Therapy becomes a safe space where they can explore their thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a ripple effect that extends beyond the therapy room. Mandy's story is a testament to the transformative power of self-knowledge and self-acceptance in the face of societal pressures.
How Therapy Can Help
The deliberate pursuit of a sense of belonging in adolescents is a common struggle. As a psychologist working from an attachment oriented approach, my commitment lies in guiding teens towards a genuine sense of connection with themselves and others. The therapeutic journey involves making a space for exploration of all the layers that are having an impact on their sense of belonging, fostering self-acceptance, and empowering them to navigate the challenges of adolescence with resilience and authenticity.
If you or your teen is grappling with the impact of social isolation or a lack of belonging, consider reaching out for support. Together, we can foster a sense of belonging that is rooted in authenticity and self-empowerment. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
To our teens fulfilling their potential,
Dr. P
You can read more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
References
Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1999). Friendships and adaptation across the life span.
