The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

As a psychologist working with teens, I have the kind of unique opportunity to hear and witness up close what being a high schooler nowadays is like. One trend that came up more and more clearly over the years is that many teenagers feel increasing pressure to engage in sexual activity earlier in their high school years. This pressure often comes from peers, sometimes friends, media, and/ or from a desire to meet perceived expectations from other people their age or a few years older. While this can impact all teens, it’s especially challenging for young women, who may feel the weight of these pressures more strongly and most often than not share with me that the idea they had of their “first time” differs significantly from what they had experienced.  

 A shift I've noticed is how sex is being framed in these formative years. Rather than being seen as an expression of some sort of meaningful, emotionally connected relationship, it is often treated as a physical act with less (little or no) consideration for the relational context. My young clients share stories that reveal just how prevalent this mindset has become, from casual sexual encounters at parties to guys asking around for oral sex at school (I assume only the request is made during school hours).

Granted, not all teens view sex this way, and I certainly approach this topic in a nonjudgment way. I however, do see the pain, disappointment, and regret young teen girls endure as a result of being part of this environment. My goal is to highlight the emotional impact that emerge, especially for girls (but not only restricted to teen girls), when they engage in sex before they’re truly ready or for reasons that aren’t aligned with their values. Alcohol and other substances, such as weed are often part of the picture during parties and social gatherings which further compound the problem.

 The Emotional Impact of Casual Sex on Teens, Especially Young Women

 Here are some of the common adverse effects teens may experience after engaging in casual sex, particularly when they feel pressured or uncertain:

• Feelings of regret and emptiness: Many young women report a sense of emptiness or regret after engaging in casual sex. Instead of feeling closer to the other person, they often feel disconnected and question their decision. Studies indicate that a significant percentage of teens (about 40%) who engaged in sex due to peer pressure later wished they had waited until it felt right for them.

• Anxiety over potential pregnancy or sexual transmitted infections (STIs): The physical risks of sexual activity, including unintended pregnancy and STIs, add a layer of stress that lingers long after the sexual encounter is over. Teen girls especially face heightened anxiety around these issues, impacting their emotional well-being.

• Difficulty with boundaries and saying no: Many young women, particularly those who are naturally inclined to please others, struggle to assert their boundaries. This can make it challenging for them to say no, even if they’re uncomfortable. They may go along with sexual encounters they don’t fully want, which can harm their self-esteem and self-worth.

• A sense of being used or devalued: Teens who engage in casual sex often feel disappointed when the person they were with doesn’t reciprocate any emotional connection. Feeling used or as though the encounter was transactional can be painful, leading to feelings of devaluation. 

• Social consequences and peer dynamics: When private moments are shared openly with peers (or worse, on social media) by the other, teens feel exposed or humiliated. The emotional aftermath can be profound, leading to feelings of shame, isolation, and social anxiety. They basically want to hide, and not go to school as they know so many people now know of their private sexual lives.

Can you imagine being able to concentrate in Geometry while dealing with these feelings? Extremely hard to say the least.

Some of my clients have confided that they participated in sexual activities simply because it seemed to be the “norm” or because they feared rejection. “It seems to be what kids do at this age”, “my girlfriends encouraged me to,” and “I have heard around that I am the only virgin among my friend group” are reasons some of my regretful lovely young teen girls cite as reasons for saying yes.

For teens navigating these pressures, therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore their thoughts and feelings around this topic: what is it that they want? How can they be prepared to withstand the peer pressure (from guys and girls alike) to “just do it” (if waiting is what they truly want to do)? Understanding the social and implicit pressures that may not always be obvious allows teens to make more conscious choices. In therapy, they can reflect on what feels right for them, helping them gain clarity on their boundaries and values.

It’s also worth noting that, while sexual pressure isn’t the primary issue for most teens who come to see me, it often surfaces in our conversations. Whether they need support in making these decisions or in processing feelings of discomfort after a sexual experience that didn’t go as they had hoped, the therapy space is open to offer a safe and nonjudgmental space in which teens can explore any and all feelings.

If you are a teen or a parent of a teen who could benefit from a compassionate, confidential space to discuss and work through these or any other issues, please feel free to reach out. I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation, which you can schedule at calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my page on teen counseling.

Until next time,

Dr. P

When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."

This reaction happens because the hurt caused during childhood can be long-lasting and profound. Emotional neglect or abuse can shape how a person sees themselves, others, and the world, leaving behind emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood. By the time a parent offers an apology, the adult child may intellectually acknowledge it, but emotionally, it often doesn’t reach the depth of pain that was experienced during childhood. At that point, the individual has typically developed coping mechanisms, emotional defenses, or even a level of emotional disconnection to survive those early wounds.

It makes sense that an apology after years of emotional harm doesn't fully heal the hurt. The damage can be so ingrained that simple words, even if they are heartfelt, cannot undo the suffering or erase the behavioral patterns formed in response. This is why some individuals perceive such apologies as "too little, too late." While the apology might provide some relief or comfort, it doesn't address the core of what was lost or unmet. Healing from these experiences often requires much more than an apology, even though it may be the most the person offering it can provide in the present moment.  

How can therapy help?

Therapy can be a powerful space for those who’ve endured such relational trauma to process its lingering effects. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they can work through these experiences on their journey toward healing. Though an apology may be well-meaning, it is rarely enough to heal the deep wounds created in early life.

Some of my clients who’ve had this experience have struggled with guilt as a result, feeling they should be able to let go of the past in the face of what seems like a sincere apology.

Patients navigate these experiences in different ways.

One specific client comes to mind who over time allowed herself to hold the tension of “appreciating” the apology while also acknowledging that true healing could only come from her ongoing commitment to self-care through therapy—and other nurturing practices. Together, we navigated how apologies can sometimes trigger guilt, especially when the individual realizes that an apology doesn’t erase the painful parts of who they’ve become as a result of trauma. Many people, for example, carry a deep sense of unworthiness or feeling “less than,” which is hard to shake even with heartfelt apologies.

While trauma impacts people differently, feelings like these are common among those who have experienced developmental trauma. This type of trauma refers to the emotional harm caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or adversity during a child’s critical stages of growth. It disrupts the formation of healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and a sense of self, leading to long-term mental health struggles and challenges in relationships.

If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and there is nothing “wrong” with the way you’re reacting. If you’d like to explore how therapy could support your healing process, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com. To read more about my work in this area you can check out my pages on anxiety , depression, and/or trauma.

To honoring your own feelings,

Dr. P

Feeling Invisible: A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Rediscovering Our Worth

There’s a deep and painful emotional experience that can leave someone feeling like they don’t truly exist—the feeling of invisibility. It’s a feeling that arises when others seem to look right through us, as if our presence is inconsequential, unnoticed. We painfully observe how those around us acknowledge others with a word, a gesture, or even a glance, while we remain unrecognized. This experience can be crushing. A part of us might wish to disappear entirely, to retreat to a safe space, away from the embarrassment and rejection. Deep down, the question forms: Why am I not worth being acknowledged? And often, this leads to an even more painful self-inquiry: What is wrong with me?

For many of the teens I work with, this sense of invisibility is not a new feeling. They’ve faced it in social settings time and again. Over time, these repeated experiences can trigger insecurities, self-doubt, and the eventual questioning of their own self-worth. What started as a quiet rejection at school, or in social settings, builds up until they begin to wonder if they are even deserving of acknowledgment. It's a heartbreaking cycle, one that is particularly poignant because these teens often internalize the hurt.

What happens when anger is turned inward?

Sigmund Freud, in his theory of depression, suggested that when anger isn’t outwardly expressed, it turns inward. This inward turn can result in self-blame, and I see this so often in in my work with teens and young adults. Instead of expressing frustration or hurt toward those who have excluded or ignored them, they turn that blame on themselves. What did I do wrong? Why don’t people see me? They ask themselves over and over. They become their own harshest critics.

Over time, these teens develop an intense gratitude toward anyone who notices them. A simple act of acknowledgment—a smile, a kind word, or a small gesture of kindness—can have an outsized emotional impact. Many of my patients have shared how deeply moved they’ve been by small acts of generosity. One of my patients almost became tearful when someone offered to lend them a few dollars for lunch when they had forgotten theirs. Another was overwhelmed by the kindness of a classmate who gave them a welcoming look at the lunch table, a signal that they were allowed to sit beside them. What seems like a simple interaction to some can be huge to those who feel invisible. These acts validate their existence. I am worth something, they think. I matter, if only for a moment.

Seeking connection

These experiences, while painful, speak to the basic human need for connection. When teens feel invisible, it isn’t just a matter of not being seen—it’s a matter of feeling like they don’t exist in the minds of others. It can be a tragedy when this feeling of being unseen begins to shape their self-perception, especially in a world where acknowledgment is so crucial to developing self-esteem and confidence.

Unfortunately, this cycle of invisibility can become self-perpetuating. The more these teens feel unseen, the more they internalize it, believing it’s a reflection of their own worth. Over time, they lose confidence, and their ability to connect with others begins to deteriorate. The cycle continues: the more they feel isolated, the harder it becomes to break free. Without intervention, this can lead to a deepening sense of loneliness and despair.

How can therapy help?

This is where therapy can play a crucial role. The therapeutic space is a place where teens can feel seen, accepted, and cared for, often for the first time in a long time. Therapy allows them to voice their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and emotions without fear of judgment. In this space, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a model for what healthy, validating connections can look like. It provides a safe space for clients to feel understood, to experience empathy, and to process their feelings.

Therapy helps soften the harsh internal voice that many of these teens/ young adult develop, the one that tells them they’re not good enough or that they deserve to be invisible. Over time, this internal dialogue shifts, allowing clients to treat themselves with greater care and empathy. Through insight and increased self-awareness, they begin to see that they are worthy of being seen and heard. This can be a healing process, one that allows them to recognize their inherent worth, independent of others' opinions.

A stronger sense of self

As teens begin to develop this newfound self-compassion, they gain the strength to navigate future encounters with more resilience. Rather than internalizing the pain of being dismissed or ignored, they can reflect on how they want to respond. They become empowered to choose their reactions—whether it’s deciding to voice how something made them feel, or simply letting go of others’ judgments and focusing on their own sense of self.

Ultimately, therapy fosters a deeper trust in oneself. It encourages individuals to be mindful of their own experiences and over time it is not uncommon for clients to be less impacted by how others perceive them. Therapy offers the tools to help them feel more at ease in their authentic selves, reducing the power that feelings of invisibility once held over them. It provides a space where they can process these emotions, regain their sense of worth, and begin to trust in themselves again. With time and support, these young individuals can reclaim their confidence and feel empowered in their own authenticity.

If you as a young adult, or your teen struggles with having felt invisible, I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today. We can explore whether therapy may be a right fit to address these feelings so that they don’t further undermine your confidence and self-esteem.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting & healing in the process,

Dr. P

Navigating the Stormy Seas of Parenting Teens

Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating stormy seas. The once sweet, cooperative child you knew has morphed into a distant, secretive, and sometimes rebellious teenager. As a psychologist who works with teens, I assure you that your feelings of frustration, confusion, and even helplessness are entirely valid. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for restoring a sense of peace to your family life.

Understanding the Transformation

Teenagers are in a critical stage of development, experiencing so many changes, both physically and emotionally. One key process that unfolds during this time is that of “separation and individuation.” This process involves teens exploring who they want to be, separate from their parents and family identity. They push boundaries, make decisions that we as parents do not agree with, and sometimes engage in risky behaviors as they figure out their place in the world.

Separation and Individuation: What Is It?

Separation refers to the process by which an individual becomes distinct from their parents or primary caregivers. This involves both physical and emotional distancing, allowing the adolescent to develop a sense of individuality and autonomy. It includes:

1. Physical Separation: This may include spending more time away from home, engaging in activities independently, and establishing their own routines and preferences.

2. Emotional Separation: Teens start to establish their own values, beliefs, and emotional responses that may differ from those of their parents. This can involve questioning and sometimes rejecting parental views as they form their own identities.

As much as we know that this is a normal process, the increasing both physical and emotional separation may be quite an adjustment for parents.

Individuation is the process in which the teen develops a unique identity and sense of self that is separate from others. This process is closely tied to separation and involves several key components:

1. Self-Identity: Adolescents begin to understand who they are as individuals, separate from their family and peers. This involves recognizing their own strengths, weaknesses, interests, and values.

2. Autonomy: Developing the ability to make independent decisions and take responsibility for their actions is a critical part of individuation.

3. Personal Boundaries: Teens learn to establish and maintain personal boundaries, understanding what is acceptable for them and asserting their needs and preferences.

4. Self-Reflection: Engaging in self-reflection helps adolescents understand their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, leading to greater self-awareness and insight.

The Importance of Separation and Individuation

These processes are essential for several reasons:

1. Building Confidence: Successfully navigating separation and individuation helps adolescents build confidence in their abilities to function independently.

2. Developing Resilience: By making their own decisions and learning from their mistakes, teens develop resilience and the ability to cope with challenges.

3. Forming Healthy Relationships: Establishing a strong sense of self is crucial for forming healthy, balanced relationships in the future. It allows individuals to connect with others while maintaining their own identity.

4. Preparing for Adulthood: These processes prepare adolescents for the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood by fostering independence and self-sufficiency.

Challenges and Support

While separation and individuation are normal and necessary, they can be challenging for both teens and their parents. Adolescents may struggle with the emotional turmoil and uncertainty that accompany these changes, and parents may find it difficult to adjust to their child’s growing independence.

For Teens:

1. Emotional Turmoil: Adolescents may experience mood swings, confusion, and frustration as they navigate these processes.

2. Peer Pressure: The desire to fit in with peers can sometimes conflict with their emerging sense of self, leading to additional stress.

3. Identity Crisis: Some teens may experience periods of identity crisis, where they question who they are and where they belong.

For Parents:

1. Letting Go: Allowing their child to become more independent can be challenging for parents, who may feel a sense of loss or fear for their child’s well-being.

2. Conflict: Increased conflict can arise as teens assert their independence and parents struggle to maintain boundaries and expectations.

3. Communication: Maintaining open and effective communication during this time can be difficult but is essential for a healthy parent-teen relationship.

The Emotional Rollercoaster for Parents

Witnessing your teen make choices that you know could lead to pain or difficulty can be excruciating. You want to shield them from harm and guide them towards better decisions, but sometimes it feels like they are determined to do the opposite. It's common to feel embarrassed, shocked, and powerless. Loving, caring parents can find themselves at their wit's end, wondering how to navigate this tumultuous period.

Common Parental Reactions

1. Shock and Disbelief: The transformation from a cooperative child to a rebellious teen can be sudden and jarring.

2. Frustration and Anger: The disrespect, lying, and secrecy can lead to intense frustration and anger.

3. Sadness and Grief: Parents may mourn the loss of the close relationship they once had with their child.

4. Guilt and Self-Doubt: Parents often question their parenting skills and wonder where they went wrong.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can be a lifeline for both teens and their parents during these challenging years. It provides a safe, confidential space for teens to express their feelings and thoughts without judgment. Through therapy, they can start to make sense of their emotions and behaviors and begin to develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Benefits of Therapy for Teens

1. Emotional Expression: Teens can freely express their anger, frustration, and pain.

2. Self-Understanding: They can gain insights into their behavior and underlying issues.

3. Improved Relationships: Therapy can enhance their communication skills and improve relationships with peers and family.

4. Self-Confidence: By working through their challenges, teens can build self-esteem and confidence in their choices.

Benefits of Therapy for Parents

1. Guidance and Support: Therapy provides parents with strategies to navigate their teen’s behavior effectively.

2. Validation: Parents often feel validated in their struggles and less alone.

3. Improved Communication: This is often a byproduct of therapy. As parents and teens feel heard and understood by the experience of therapy, they are better equipped to communicate with each other more effectively.

Practical Tips for Parents

While therapy can provide significant support, there are also practical steps you can take at home to help your teen and maintain your sanity:

1. Stay Calm: Reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Try to stay calm and composed (I know this is easier said than done).

2. Listen Actively: Show your teen that you are listening to them without immediately jumping in with advice or criticism.

3. Set Boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential, but ensure they are reasonable and respect your teen's growing need for independence.

4. Encourage Positive Activities: Encourage your teen to engage in positive activities that interest them, whether it’s sports, arts, or volunteering.

5. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist, support group, or other parents who are going through similar experiences.

There Is Hope

If you feel like you’re at the end of your rope with your teen, remember that, oftentimes, this is a normal part of their development. While the journey can be painful and challenging, it is also a time of incredible growth and transformation. Therapy can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate this period, helping your teen become a confident and independent young adult.

As a psychologist, my goal is to support your teen, and in turn your family, through this journey. My experience working with teens is that through therapy, teens have the opportunity to develop into a self-assured individual, restoring a sense of (even if relative) peace and harmony to your family life. If your teen is struggling, or if you as a parent are finding it difficult to cope, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.””

— Winston Churchill

If your struggle with your teen is something you cannot easily put aside, know that you are not alone. I am here to support you through your next steps in reclaiming a certain degree of peace and understanding in your family life. I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting with one of the people you probably love the most in the world!

Dr. P

Helping women in their 40s and 50s navigate midlife changes

Women in their 40s and 50s are often navigating a complex and transformative period in their lives. As a psychologist specializing in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based approaches, I have worked with many women who face challenges during this time. Midlife brings about significant physical changes, particularly during perimenopause, as well as emotional and cognitive shifts that can impact our overall well-being.

Physical Changes During Perimenopause

1. Irregular Periods: One of the most common physical changes women experience during perimenopause is irregular periods. Menstrual cycles may become unpredictable, with periods that are closer together, farther apart, heavier, or lighter. This unpredictability can be frustrating and distressing, often disrupting daily routines and causing anxiety.

2. Hot Flashes and Night Sweats: Sudden feelings of intense warmth, often accompanied by sweating and redness, are hallmark symptoms of perimenopause. These hot flashes can occur during the day or night, leading to discomfort and embarrassment. Night sweats can disrupt sleep, contributing to fatigue and irritability.

3. Sleep Disturbances: Many women find it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep during perimenopause. This can be due to night sweats or other factors such as anxiety and hormonal fluctuations. Chronic sleep deprivation can have a significant impact on mood, cognitive function, and overall health.

4. Weight Gain: Changes in metabolism during perimenopause can result in weight gain, particularly around the abdomen. This can be challenging and can lead to feelings of frustration and self-consciousness.

5. Hair and Skin Changes: Thinning hair and dry skin are common as estrogen levels decline. These changes can affect self-esteem and body image, contributing to emotional distress.

Emotional and Cognitive Changes

1. Mood Swings: Hormonal changes can lead to increased irritability, anxiety, or depression. Women may find themselves experiencing intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, making it difficult to manage daily responsibilities and relationships.

2. Changes in Memory : Some women experience difficulty concentrating or short-term memory issues during perimenopause. This can be concerning and may affect work performance and personal relationships.

3. Decreased Libido: A decrease in sexual desire is common during perimenopause, often due to hormonal changes and vaginal dryness. This can impact intimate relationships and lead to feelings of frustration or inadequacy.

Emotional Well-Being During Midlife

The physical and emotional changes of perimenopause can take a toll on women’s well-being. From feeling confused and overwhelmed to, in some way, mourning the loss of the youth associated with their 20s and 30s, this period can be incredibly challenging. In addition, many women in their 40s and 50s are raising children and dealing with the demands of work either at home or outside the home, which can add to the stress and emotional burden. They are often also a caregiver to their aging parents, in one capacity or another.

In my experience as a therapist, many women feel a sense of loss regarding how they used to feel and see themselves before these changes began. Periods of change such as this one provide a rich opportunity to reflect on one’s life and how we adjust and adapt to experiencing changes in our bodies and overall to being more acutely aware of the passage of time. It is absolutely normal to feel frustrated, upset, anxious, or sad when we notice these changes; sometimes we may even feel helpless and not know how to navigate these changes that always feel a bit unexpected and challenge the status quo of previous years.

“Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.””

— Carl Jung

The Importance of Therapy

Therapy can be incredibly meaningful for women going through these changes. It provides a space to better understand and make meaning of what is happening to them. Many of my clients tell me they feel a unique satisfaction in knowing themselves more deeply and in feeling more in control of their lives and their path.

1. Creating Space for Reflection: Therapy allows women to intentionally create a space for themselves to reflect on their experiences and emotions. This can help them make sense of the changes they are going through and develop strategies to cope with them.

2. Addressing Emotional Challenges: From an emotional standpoint, therapy provides a safe space to discuss and disclose any and all feelings about what they are experiencing. It can be overwhelming to deal with the physical changes of perimenopause on top of the demands of daily life, and therapy can offer much-needed respite and support.

3. Enhancing Self-Understanding: Working in therapy helps women to explore how the changes in their bodies impact how they see themselves, what they enjoy doing, and their level of energy. This deeper self-understanding can make the changes a. bit more bearable and help women feel less alone in their journey.

4. Improving Relationships: Therapy can also help women navigate changes in their relationships. For example, partners, particularly men, may have difficulty fully understanding what is happening as this is something they personally do not experience. Therapy can provide a space to explore these dynamics and improve communication and support within relationships.

Putting it all together and finding support

Midlife and perimenopause bring about significant physical and emotional changes for women. While these changes are normal and to be expected, they can be emotionally heavy and challenging to navigate. Therapy can provide a supportive and empowering space for women to process their experiences, develop coping strategies, and enhance their overall well-being. If you are in your 40s or 50s experiencing these changes, consider reaching out for support by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at calendly.com/drperolini. Together, we can work towards making this transitional period a time of growth and self-discovery.

To read more about my work you can visit drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling or drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Cheers to making a space for ourselves!

Dr. P

Adolescents' feelings of not belonging: what can we truly do about it?

For adolescences the quest for a sense of belonging is both fundamental and at the core of their path during these formative years. As a psychologist working with teens, I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact that not feeling a strong sense of belonging can have on a teen's mental health. Not only their emotional well-being, but also their physical health and academic performance may be affected when teens have pervasive feelings of not belonging. Increased anxiety, depression, social isolation, and lowered self-esteem are some of the most common effects of feeling that we do not belong.

“Why?” you are perhaps asking yourself. Let me share with you.

A sense of belonging, that subjective feeling of deep connection with a social group or sometimes also with a physical place, is a crucial human need with important implications. We human beings are social beings, meaning that we thrive when we are in close connection with others. This is most noticeable during the adolescent years, when teens spend increasing amounts of time with their peers without the presence of adults, and peers thus become the most significant reference group for adolescents (Hartup, 1999). For teens, this often plays out in the context of school, where peer relationships take center stage.

The Struggle to Belong

Teens, in their eagerness to connect, often initiate efforts to belong. However, throughout the years working with teens, I have observed how these deliberate attempts to cultivate connections are sometimes met with rejection, leaving teens feeling dismissed and invisible. This struggle is a common thread in the narratives of many of my teen clients, impacting their interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. What is more, these experiences leave teens feeling more vulnerable to the dangers of social media, as they often continue to look online for the connection and validation they cannot find in the real day-to-day experience.

One of my former patients, that I will call Mandy, comes to mind as I reflect on the struggle many teens endure in an effort to feel like they belong. Mandy's journey through therapy serves as a clear example of the detrimental impact of not belonging on adolescents’ mental health.  Once a cheerful and outgoing girl, Mandy found herself isolated and with an overwhelm sense of defeat, even hopelessness at times, unable to form connections with her peers at school, not matter how hard she tried. In fact, sometimes, the harder she tried, the deeper the pain. The pain of feeling invisible led her to bend over backwards, adopting behaviors that were not authentic to her true self just in an effort to “be more like them,” as Many would say. This took a toll on her self-esteem as she compromised her values to fit an image she believed would earn her popularity, and, eventually acceptance.

““Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.””

— Brené Brown

The False Sense of Belonging

Mandy's story reflects a common pattern – the pursuit of a sense of belonging that ends up being a false one. In attempting to conform to what teens think it is expected of them by their peers, they often lose touch with their authentic selves, leading to internal conflict and a fractured sense of identity. In therapy, the journey involves unpacking these layers, exploring the impact of societal pressures, and fostering a genuine acceptance of one's true self.

The Role of Therapy in Fostering Acceptance

Attachment-based psychotherapy provides a unique lens through which to view the challenges of belonging in adolescence. By creating a non-judgmental space for exploration, therapy becomes a sanctuary where teens can reflect on their sense of self and navigate the complexities of their relationships. Mandy's gradual realization of the void created by not being true to herself underscores the therapeutic process of self-discovery and acceptance.

The Gradual Path to Acceptance and the Corresponding Ease in Depression and Anxiety

The journey towards self-acceptance is gradual, requiring a strong connection between therapist and client. In therapy, teens like Mandy learn to cultivate a sense of self-worth less dependent of external validation. Through deepening their awareness and insight, they gain the confidence to embrace their true selves, fostering a healthier relationship with both themselves and others.

The Empowering Impact of Self-Knowledge

As teens develop a deeper understanding of their dynamics and relationships, they experience a newfound sense of choice and empowerment. Therapy becomes a safe space where they can explore their thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a ripple effect that extends beyond the therapy room. Mandy's story is a testament to the transformative power of self-knowledge and self-acceptance in the face of societal pressures.

How Therapy Can Help

The deliberate pursuit of a sense of belonging in adolescents is a common struggle. As a psychologist working from an attachment oriented approach, my commitment lies in guiding teens towards a genuine sense of connection with themselves and others. The therapeutic journey involves making a space for exploration of all the layers that are having an impact on their sense of belonging, fostering self-acceptance, and empowering them to navigate the challenges of adolescence with resilience and authenticity.

If you or your teen is grappling with the impact of social isolation or a lack of belonging, consider reaching out for support. Together, we can foster a sense of belonging that is rooted in authenticity and self-empowerment. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

To our teens fulfilling their potential,

Dr. P

You can read more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

References

Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1999). Friendships and adaptation across the life span. 

Navigating the Turbulent Waters: Understanding the Struggles Faced by Today's Teens

In the fast-paced and ever-evolving landscape of today's society, the challenges that teenagers encounter have become increasingly complex and demanding. As a psychologist whose work is rooted in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based approaches, I have had the privilege of working closely and long term with teens facing a variety of issues – from depression and anxiety to trauma, self-injury, loss, and the overwhelming pressure to succeed. In this blog, I aim to shed light on some of the struggles our teens face nowadays, emphasizing the importance of working collaboratively toward understanding and making meaning of the teen’s experiences and underscoring the long-term benefits of effective therapeutic intervention.

The Social Media Paradox

One of the prominent challenges that adolescents grapple with in the 21st century is the omnipresence of social media. While these platforms offer the promise of connection, they also expose teens to a world of comparison, unrealistic standards, and cyberbullying. The incessant need to fit into predetermined online “personas” can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and isolation, leading to a detrimental impact on their self-esteem and overall emotional well-being.

As a psychologist, I've witnessed first-hand the detrimental effects of social media on self-esteem and identity formation. Teens often find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking external validation through likes and comments, fostering a sense of worth that is contingent on online approval. As adults we may clearly see that needing to constantly be validated by likes and comments is both exhausting and if it happened a few times, it is impossible to sustain. Even when we temporarily feel content due to receiving this type of online validation, in my experience working with teens, it sooner or later leaves them feeling a void. Navigating this paradox requires a delicate balance between fostering healthy online interactions and nurturing a strong sense of self beyond the digital world.

“”why fit in if you were born to stand out?””

— Dr. Seuss

The Dangers of Social Alienation

Social alienation remains a pervasive issue among today's teens, manifesting in feelings of isolation and disconnectedness. The pressures to conform to societal expectations, coupled with the fear of being judged, can lead to a sense of profound loneliness. As a psychodynamic therapist, I explore the roots of these feelings, helping teens process the many layers of their experiences and fostering a deeper connection to themselves first via the deeper understanding of their own emotions.

Addressing social alienation involves creating a safe space where teens can openly express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. From the lens of an attachment-based approach, I work collaboratively with my patients to build secure emotional connections, promoting a sense of belonging and acceptance that extends beyond societal standards.

Bullying and its Lingering Impact

Bullying, whether in person or online, remains a pervasive issue affecting the mental health of countless teens. The scars left by bullying can extend far beyond the immediate experience, contributing to long-lasting emotional trauma. In my practice, I have encountered many teens who carry the weight of past bullying experiences many years later, affecting their self-esteem, trust in others, and overall well-being.

Existential psychotherapy provides an avenue to work with teens in exploring the impact of these traumatic experiences on their sense of self and identity. Through a collaborative process, we work towards reclaiming a sense of agency and empowerment, helping them overcome the lingering effects of bullying and fostering resilience.

The Pressure to Succeed

The relentless pursuit of success, often fueled by societal expectations and parental pressures, is a significant source of stress for today's teens. The fear of falling short in academic, extracurricular, or personal endeavors can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, and a constant sense of inadequacy. In my work as a therapist, I strive to create a supportive environment where teens can explore their own values and aspirations, separate from external expectations.

Existential psychotherapy provides a framework for teens to examine the meaning and purpose they seek in their lives. By encouraging them to explore their authentic selves and values, I help them navigate the delicate balance between personal fulfillment and societal expectations, empowering them to define success on their terms.

Cultivating Hope in the Face of Despair

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of my work involves helping teens who, in the face of overwhelming struggles, find themselves questioning the desire to go on. In such moments, psychodynamic therapy becomes a lifeline, offering a space for teens to explore the depths of their despair and find meaning in their pain.

Addressing trauma, loss, and existential questions requires a nuanced and compassionate approach. By integrating psychodynamic and existential principles, I support teens through a process of self-discovery, helping them uncover the resilience within themselves. Attachment-based therapy further reinforces the importance of supportive relationships, providing a foundation for healing and growth.

There is no doubt that the struggles faced by today's teens are multifaceted. As a psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based psychotherapist, my commitment lies in providing a safe and empathetic space for teens to navigate these challenges. By addressing the impact of social media, social alienation, bullying, and the pressure to succeed, I aim to empower teens to overcome adversity and cultivate a sense of hope and purpose in their lives. Together, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and healing, fostering a foundation for a brighter and more fulfilling future.

If you have been feeling in any of the ways that I described above, or perhaps you are a parent looking for support and guidance for your teen, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Rooting for all teens and trusting their potential,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

In the face of overwhelming pain.. and NOT knowing what to do.. cutting became an option

Overwhelmed, confused, and feeling SO alone. You did not know what else to do. How to possibly contain the emotional pain you were feeling? The suffering. The downward spiral set of events that have been happening in your life and that feel so much out of your control.

If you have engaged in any type of self-harm in the past, such as cutting, burning, punching yourself (or things, such as a wall), you know the world at large does not “get” this behavior.  People, including loving family members and friends, if they were to find out, may seem perplexed at a behavior that may seem counterintuitive, confusing, and paradoxical. Definitely at odds –-to the world at large-- with helping anyone feel better.

But you know this is not the case. You have perhaps felt the instant relief or numbness that tends to come with the act of cutting. It seems to numb —even if for a short period of time— the emotional pain you may be experiencing. If people around you know you engage in self-harming behaviors, you probably have been asked whether you feel any physical pain when you do it.

For many teens and young adults who cut, the “trade off” between the sharp relief from emotional pain at the time of cutting (or other self-harming behaviors) and the minor physical discomfort associated with the cutting itself seems to be “worth it”. There is a silence and a stillness, a sense of increased control and for a brief moment troubles fall into the background. They are not the front and center, hurtful reality we may experience otherwise. Perhaps paradoxically, self-injury seems to bring about a sense of calmness in the midst of the chaos that may be so prevalent in our inner world.

If you are like most individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors, you either haven’t told anyone, or have trusted this very personal area of yourself to very few people. And of course. It seems like too much risk, too much vulnerability inherent in disclosing such an intimate part of your experience. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults who have chosen to disclose this behavior to others, have encountered judgment, well-reasoned, rational explanations for why this behavior does not make sense, and usually an invitation or a strong encouragement to stop it.  Some well-meaning others may be very concerned or even panic in the face of learning about self-harming behaviors, as they may equate self-injury with a desire to die. Yet you know that this tends not to be the case. It is not death that you are after. What you, and so many others want, is relief from overwhelming psychic pain that at times feels uncontainable, overwhelming, and insurmountable.

So you are no stranger to misunderstanding and judgment about what this behavior may mean. You may feel stuck in a cycle. Perhaps you have tried to leave this behavior in the past, but it has been extremely hard. You seem to resort to it when things get to be “too much” to deal with or contain. After all, it does provide some relief, even if it is short-lived.

But perhaps you have dreamed of more than short-lived relief of psychic pain. Perhaps at times you have dreamed of a life in which the pain was more bearable, you felt less alone, and more contained. A life in which you had the space to process any pain (or any feelings, really) that needed to be held, perhaps put into words, and integrated into the narrative of your life.

I would like to think that this life that you envisioned is possible

Wherever you are in the path of self-injury, please know you do not have to keep walking this path alone. This path in which you do not feel understood, you often feel judged, and you yourself may not even fully understand what makes this behavior so powerful, in the moment. It makes sense that you feel this way. Self-injury is a very complex behavior, usually difficult to understand and make sense of it for most people.

If you engage in any type of self-injury, it is likely that you have experienced the “other side” of this behavior as well. And what I mean by this is that relief and numbness are  generally not the only feeling associated with this behavior, right? For most people, there are significant doses of shame, guilt, confusion, and frustration revolving around this behavior, its causes, its potential implications, and its ramifications. In other words, the momentary relief you may experience at the time of cutting (or of any other self-injurious behavior) takes a toll. It comes with a cost. A high price attached to it.  It may become a habit. And we may even have a very difficult time finding ways to NOT engage in this behavior even when we decide we may want to rely on alternative coping mechanisms.

If you read up to this point, you probably know if I am describing a cycle of feelings and events that you experience. Perhaps a part of you would really want to take a better look at this cycle to gain a more in-depth understanding of its origins, functions, and purpose. Perhaps it is hard to imagine life without cutting… yet a part of you is curious of how would life be like if that had not become your go-to way to manage huge amounts of distress and tension. You know first hand how it feels like to experience pressures, and, perhaps you even felt that cutting had allowed you to “keep it together.”

I find this quote by Robert Frost to be so incredibly powerful--

““The only way out is through””

If there is even a very small part of you that is curious about yourself, your experiences, including your experience of self-injury, and you are up to trying out a space in which your needs always take precedence and there is no judgment about you, your experiences, or anything else that you may choose to bring up, feel free to reach out.

Even after you reach out for the first time, you are always in control regarding whether you want to engage in the process of therapy, for how long, and the pace at which therapy unfold. Greater emotional freedom is one outcome that many therapy patients have expressed they have experienced as a result working in therapy with a clinician who was a good fit for them.

Taking the first step is the most difficult. It takes a lot of courage. If we realize we are a good fit for each other, and you want to start therapy, I offer you my commitment to work together toward the life you would like to create for yourself. If we realize we are not a good fit, I will do my best to help you connect with a clinician that may be a better fit for your specific needs. My goal is to support you in your path toward the life that you desire. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and freedom,

Dr. Claudia Perolini

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Don't be so quick to swallow that pill

I am amazed at how often friends, family members, or just acquaintances share with me during everyday conversation that they have been prescribed some kind of medication to address their symptoms of anxiety or depression, grief, or trauma.

I have been in awe—

At times, I had inquired if, when having a conversation with the prescriber (usually either their primary care doctor, or a specialist, such as an OBGYN) about the available alternatives to address the symptoms that they were experiencing the doctors had also discussed the option starting therapy. More often than not, the answer I got was “No.”

Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for the medical profession and I know that medication has a place in helping people with their emotional well-being.  I am, however, puzzled about how often I hear that there is not even a conversation around the multiple ways in which these symptoms may be addressed.

I fully understand that taking medication or working through a particular set of symptoms in therapy (or on your own, for that matter) are different routes, all with their advantages and potential drawbacks. And we know they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, research does show that for certain sets of symptoms, depending upon the type and the severity, a combination of medication and therapy may be the treatment of choice.

I am all for people making their own decisions about how they want to address their psychological pain.  I would just love to see more conversations around the option of pursuing therapy to address symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to severe anxiety or depression, either alone or in conjunction with medication. 

You may be thinking—well, of course you would advocate for therapy-- you are a psychologist!—and, yes, you are absolutely right :)

At the same time, my views and beliefs are rooted in my own experience as a clinician and that of so many colleagues who so often have the privilege of bearing witness of the benefits that therapy can bring about. Formal research has also backed up the experience that us as clinicians have individually in our offices-- Therapy has been shown to be effective in addressing a very wide of psychological symptoms or conditions (1, 2). Being in this field and having worked with many people who have been able to effectively work through their grief, anxiety, sadness, or depression, (just to name a few of the most common issues that people seek therapy for) by the means of being engaged in therapy makes me both confident and hopeful that therapy can go a long way in helping people achieve and maintain a sense of emotional balance and harmony in their lives. 

In an effort to speak about therapy in a more tangible way, I outlined below 7 key potential benefits that therapy can bring about—these are just some of the benefits that patients can experience when they are engaged and committed to their own therapy:

1.     A sense of confidence and trust in themselves and in their ability to work through and, to different degrees, “master” symptoms or situations that they initially thought were extremely difficult, or even impossible to manage.

2.     Additional emotional resources in terms of coping with the challenges that life presents us with. Are there alternative ways of perceiving what is happening right now? Can I think of ways in which I may respond that would lead (eventually) to outcomes that are more aligned with what I want for myself? The therapist may or may not ask these questions directly, but the work, in and of itself, often triggers reflection on questions that are similar to the ones mentioned above.

3.     Additional coping skills: you may learn about mindfulness practices, or relaxation training, or about the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, or specific strategies aimed at managing symptoms, as well as ways in which these practices/ strategies can be incorporated in your daily life.

4.     For those who have had the burden of keeping a “secret,” that is, of having had experiences that they have not been able to talk to anyone about, the relief of feeling that you can, in a safe place, start to put words to these experiences can have a significant positive impact in your well-being.

5.     Patients often learn to be in contact with painful feelings, or uncomfortable emotions, and still be present—this is key for our emotional well-being—to learn how to sit with pain and not avoid it. And we do know avoidance fuels so many psychological symptoms.

6.     Patients often learn, through the process of therapy, to contain their most difficult emotions, and, as a result, these emotions tend to become less overwhelming, less daunting, less debilitating and less scary. Patients tend to become more confident in their ability to manage these emotions inside and eventually outside of the therapy room.

7.     Patients have the opportunity to develop a close relationship with an attuned other (therapist)—and how important this relationship can be!  Many patients/ clients have not had a close emotionally attuned person in their lives.  That does not mean that people have not loved them. Loving someone and being able to be attuned to them are different things.  Having the steady presence of a caring, attuned, emotionally present therapist, within the context of the therapeutic relationship, can help us modulate and regulate our emotions so that they become less stressful and frightening, and overall less powerful.

I can probably go on :)

I want to end by thanking you, the reader, for “hearing” this voice who really wants to share with the world the multiple benefits that therapy may bring about.

It is also true that in therapy there are potential “risks” as well, such as the risk that therapy may not be as effective as you thought it would be, or that it would take longer than expected, or that strong emotions that were not present at the time of starting therapy emerge as therapy unfolds.

While these are all true, there are also ways to minimize these risks—in my experience taking your time when looking for a therapist, investing time in learning about the therapists you are considering—carefully reading their websites, learning about them in other places (i.e, do they have a blog or a Facebook page?), and eventually meeting in person to see how you feel with them in the therapy room, are all key ways to maximize the chances of choosing a therapist that would be a good fit for you.

Another common objection I hear about therapy goes something like this: “But therapy takes time and money!” And it is true—therapy is an investment in your own (or your child’s) emotional well-being, and we will likely only give it a chance if we believe that the potential benefits are more valuable than its “risks.”

I could share my views on this and say that therapy can be one of the best investments that one can make as measured by the the emotional wellness that it can bring about both for the patient and for his/ her loved ones and the future pain that it can help to prevent in areas such as relationships, work, and even physical health. But we need to see for ourselves. 

If you are even a tad more open to considering therapy as an avenue for personal growth or to address the psychological pain you may be experiencing, I consider my intentions in writing this blog post completely fulfilled.

A pill can help you manage painful symptoms—but my wish for you is even more encompassing—that you can come out of this process strengthened and more confident, more hopeful and more at peace with yourself and with the world. 

To your well being,

Claudia

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

 You can learn more about my work with anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and in the area of depression at drperolini.com/depression-counseling

References

(1)Seligman, M.E.P. (1995)  The Effectiveness of psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 50, 965–974. Retrieved from https://sites.google.com/site/dpelcovitz/psychotherapyeffectiveness.doc

(2) Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy.  American Psychologist, 65, 98-109. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-65-2-98.pdf

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in Weston, Florida. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

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Why do we “pass on” our own unresolved issues to our children (even when we try not to do so)

I believe it is safe to say that many of us have areas of “unresolved” issues—perhaps we had experiences during childhood or adolescence that were traumatic, difficult, painful, or otherwise challenging that we haven’t had the opportunity to sufficiently resolve. And I use the word “sufficiently” deliberately since being able to overcome or transcend traumatic (or otherwise challenging) experiences, even if partially, can go a long way in preventing or minimizing the subsequent transmission of “trauma” (that is, our own vulnerabilities, fears, worries, and concerns) to our next generation.

Trauma is, indeed, a vast field.  When I speak about trauma in this context I do so broadly, including in my understanding any/ all of the following:

- Single blow trauma, which refers to the experience of a one-time shocking incident, such as natural disasters (earthquakes, floods), technological disasters (car, plan crashes), and criminal violence (robbery, rape, homicide). Even when not a direct victim of these incidents, witnessing these events can also have long lasting adverse consequences. 

- Chronic trauma, which refers to the exposure to repeated and prolonged traumatic experiences that span over months or years. Examples are exposure to combat, war, and domestic violence.

- Complex trauma, which refers to the experience of multiple, and/or chronic adverse traumatic events, usually of an interpersonal nature, which start early in life. Examples include growing up in invalidating environments--that is, in environments where caregivers continually question or challenge the foundation of children’s feelings—as well as child abuse of all types (physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect).

A common response to trauma is the fragmentation or compartmentalization of the traumatic experience. In that way, the traumatic experience remains unintegrated; in other words, it is not incorporated into the ongoing, unfolding narrative of our life. This fragmentation is potentially dangerous, as distressing, unintegrated memories can severely impact our ability to achieve and maintain a state of well-being, peace, and harmony within ourselves and others.

Fragmented aspects of ourselves that do not have the opportunity to be expressed, reflected upon, and made sense in the context of a safe relationship tend to contribute to a feeling of discomfort and uneasiness with ourselves as well as a sense of alienation and disconnection from others. It seems that it is much more difficult to accept and love ourselves when simultaneously having to keep parts of ourselves separate (fragmented/ compartmentalized) from our sense of self. It is often only after we can embrace/ tolerate/ withstand the whole of our experiences that we can begin to feel more whole again.

As classic analysts pointed out—what we don’t remember we are bound to repeat (1).  And one way to make sense of this is the following—when we do not have a safe space to work through (reflect upon, experience, intentionally “remember,” and eventually integrate) our traumatic experiences, we are much more likely to find ourselves or to experience ourselves in ways that are similar to the original ways in which we were damaged or hurt.

One way this “repetition” of difficult childhood experiences can unfold is through inadvertently passing them on to our children. Most likely, if it were a conscious choice, no one would pass on to their kids their own vulnerabilities and pains. We so badly want to equip them with the emotional resources that they will need to thrive and enjoy what life has to offer. Yet, inadvertently we do.  Without knowing, and without wanting, and perhaps without ever speaking a word about our troubles, we pass on our anxieties, our despair, our disillusionment, our anger, our grief, and a host of other emotions that are hard to experience on an ongoing basis.

I wholeheartedly believe that the vast majority (if not all) parents wouldn’t deliberately pass on the pain that they have endured. Not at all. The issue with this mechanism is that --when traumatic experiences have not been sufficiently worked through—this process happens without conscious awareness. It happens, for example, through us parents not being able to be emotionally present and engaged with our children as we are still, in some way, preoccupied with our own past (which is very much alive in the present), or we may (unconsciously) have mixed emotions about the fact that our children are having a better upbringing than the one we experienced and thus inadvertently deprive them of this possibility. Or, on the other hand, we may have been traumatized for not having fulfilled our own parents’ expectations, and thus are now over-invested in our kids fulfilling the high expectations that we set up for them, taking away their opportunity to navigate age-appropriate challenges without the burden that we are unintentionally placing on them.

What is to be done, then, if so many of us have endured some type of painful early experience?

You may have heard one of my favorite quotes, by Robert Frost, that says:

““The best way out is always through.””

This is where being engaged in therapy becomes so incredibly meaningful. 

The process of therapy certainly has the potential to help us re-integrate fragmented aspects of ourselves and come out of it feeling more whole, emotionally stronger, and more in harmony with ourselves and our lives. That being said, I fully appreciate that therapy is a commitment to your own well being that can feel arduous, even overwhelming, at times. And that a lot of us feel some trepidation when thinking about embarking in this unique endeavor.

However...

..it is comforting to know that when you find a therapist that helps you feel safe, cared for, and understood, the therapeutic process can become one of the most rewarding experiences one can have, and one of the best investments as well. We only have one shot at life and when we realize that, given our experiences, we can benefit from cultivating a healing relationship of this nature, the earlier we can be engaged in this process, the less heartache and the more freedom and peace we will likely experience (and pass on) to our kids as a result. 

If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, or if you are looking to work on yourself with the aim of being more free and less burdened by the difficulties you endured in the past, I am here to help. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,

Dr. Claudia Perolini  

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

 You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling

References

(1) Freud, Sigmund. (1914).Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through. Retrieved from

http://www.history.ucsb.edu/faculty/marcuse/classes/201/articles/1914FreudRemembering.pdf

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

 

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ATTACHMENT 101: The powerful impact of early relationships in shaping our kids’ emotional states

Most of us have probably heard at least once about the power of early relationships in molding our personality, impacting our sense of self, and shaping our life experience.

Learning for the first time about the powerful research on this topic both fascinated me and blew me away. It turns out that our brains are both structurally and functionally impacted by our first relationships (1).

But what does this mean, exactly?

Well, simply put, research has supported time and time again that our main attachment relationships can have a long-lasting impact in our budding, vulnerable minds and bodies (2).  I purposefully say minds and bodies (and not only minds) as our current understanding in the fields of medicine and psychology clearly posits that mind and body are deeply interconnected and that there is no real division between the two.

If you are a parent, you may feel a mix of (extra) pressure and an even greater sense responsibility the more you learn about how what you do (and who you are) impacts your children. For example, you may be astounded by the extent of your influence in matters related to how your children feel about themselves, manage their emotions, and respond to the pressures or demands that they will inevitably face as they continue to grow, mature, and develop.

I recently came across a powerful quote by Brene Brown that beautifully captures this idea. It posed the question: “Are you the adult that you want your child to become?” Such a gentle yet compelling invitation to reflect on our own behavior as parents or caretakers.

But believe me, this article is not intended to make you feel as if you have one more (huge) extra responsibility over your shoulders nor to scare you by letting you know the many things that can go wrong when we, as parents, make “mistakes.”  

My purpose is, in fact, quite different. 

I come from a stance that most parents are doing the best they know how to, with the emotional and practical resources that are available to them.  Wouldn’t you say this is accurate in the vast majority of cases? I certainly want to think that most parents are out there, every single day, trying their best for their kids, even in the face of obstacles, challenges, setbacks, and, at times, even despair as to how to do “the most important job in the world” (for which, as we know, we receive little or no training).

My hope through this short article is to share with you how powerful your loving, attentive, consistent and caring presence can be. You don’t need money or tons of free time to make this happen. But you do need one thing—the conviction that what you do has the potential to have a long lasting impact in your child’s emotional (and even physical) well-being.  Of course this statement, if we believe in it, has the potential to instill some doubt or even fear in us, parents, BUT it can also help us feel empowered, hopeful, and inspired. After all, most of us want to have a positive, long lasting impact and perhaps even leave a legacy in the form of children that grow up to be happy/ confident/ responsible/ caring members of society.

An interesting and very influential concept that relates to this topic is Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough” mother (3) (and by mother here we understand mother/ father/ primary caretaker). Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined this term to refer to the idea that you "only" need to be “good enough” for your children.

He postulated that a key role for the good-enough mother is to adapt to her baby’s needs, which evolve and change as the baby grows and develops. In this way, children will likely feel a sense of control over their environment as they develop at their own pace.  Ideally, the mother continues to adapt to the baby/infant/toddler’s changing needs all along, as children grow, learn, and become more autonomous.

Interestingly, Winnicott went on to explain that children in the long run will actually benefit when their mothers (or main caretakers) “fail” them in ways they can tolerate (this, of course, does not include failures that would endanger their physical or emotional well-being). This term also points out the impossibility of being perfectly attuned to our children 100 percent of the time. Winnicott even posited that, this level of attunement is not only an impossibility, but also would likely be detrimental to a baby as he or she will miss the opportunity to learn to be disappointed in ways that he or she will be able to manage and recover from.

I have felt drawn to this concept since I learned about it, as I think it presents in a simple, straightforward, yet very powerful way a realistic picture of what we, mothers and fathers (or primary caregivers) of children can do for those we care for. And it is so important because having unrealistic expectations such as feeling the need to be “always” present (physically and/or emotionally), or of “always” having the appropriate words and reactions is not only unattainable but even (if it were to be possible) undesirable (4). It is comforting to know that being “good-enough” is what our children need to feel safe, emotionally connected, and cared for, and that our “humanness” is also paving the way for them to gradually learn that the world will often not respond in the ways they would want or request. It is in the process of being “disappointed” in developmentally appropriate ways and in a context in which they still feel the love, interest, care, and commitment of their parents or caregivers, that children are more able to withstand the “blow” of their desires or requests not being granted.

It is likely that most of us, even with all of our love and desire to do and be our best for our kids, will at one time or another do or say something that we may regret. The next time this happens, instead of beating yourself up for the way you just reacted, try being kinder with yourself--perhaps you even remember the following two key ideas :

Children are more resilient than we often give them credit for. And by resilience we mean their capacity to adapt, withstand, and “recover” in the face of setbacks, challenges, or difficult life experiences;

AND

Relationships, even when ruptured (and I know this is kind of a strong word) can be repaired, and sometimes, when we handle these matters skillfully our relationship with our children can be strengthened after an episode of mis-attunement and re-attunement.

As you can probably tell by now, my intention is neither to create extra pressure nor to take your children’s emotional well-being lightly.  I believe most of you would agree that one of the best gifts we can give our children is to equip them with the resources that they will need to live an authentic, enjoyable, productive life. What a privilege we have as parents to impact and shape our children’s inner worlds so profoundly. . . Not a small task by any extent of the imagination.

If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, whether you are a new parent or an experienced one, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,

Dr. Perolini

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

You can learn more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

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Sources and further reading

1 Schore, A.N. (1994). Affect regulations and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

2 Sroufe, L.A. (1983). Infant-caregiver attachment and patterns of adaptation in preschool: The roots of maladaptation and competence. In M. Perlmutter (Ed.), Minnesota Symposium in Child Psychology (Vol. 16, pp, 41-83). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

3 Winnicott, D.W. (1971). Playing and Reality.  UK: Tavistock Publications.

4 . Winnicott D.W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena-- A study of the first not-me possession. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34(2), 89–97.