I believe it is safe to say that many of us have areas of “unresolved” issues—perhaps we had experiences during childhood or adolescence that were traumatic, difficult, painful, or otherwise challenging that we haven’t had the opportunity to sufficiently resolve. And I use the word “sufficiently” deliberately since being able to overcome or transcend traumatic (or otherwise challenging) experiences, even if partially, can go a long way in preventing or minimizing the subsequent transmission of “trauma” (that is, our own vulnerabilities, fears, worries, and concerns) to our next generation.
Trauma is, indeed, a vast field. When I speak about trauma in this context I do so broadly, including in my understanding any/ all of the following:
- Single blow trauma, which refers to the experience of a one-time shocking incident, such as natural disasters (earthquakes, floods), technological disasters (car, plan crashes), and criminal violence (robbery, rape, homicide). Even when not a direct victim of these incidents, witnessing these events can also have long lasting adverse consequences.
- Chronic trauma, which refers to the exposure to repeated and prolonged traumatic experiences that span over months or years. Examples are exposure to combat, war, and domestic violence.
- Complex trauma, which refers to the experience of multiple, and/or chronic adverse traumatic events, usually of an interpersonal nature, which start early in life. Examples include growing up in invalidating environments--that is, in environments where caregivers continually question or challenge the foundation of children’s feelings—as well as child abuse of all types (physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect).
A common response to trauma is the fragmentation or compartmentalization of the traumatic experience. In that way, the traumatic experience remains unintegrated; in other words, it is not incorporated into the ongoing, unfolding narrative of our life. This fragmentation is potentially dangerous, as distressing, unintegrated memories can severely impact our ability to achieve and maintain a state of well-being, peace, and harmony within ourselves and others.
Fragmented aspects of ourselves that do not have the opportunity to be expressed, reflected upon, and made sense in the context of a safe relationship tend to contribute to a feeling of discomfort and uneasiness with ourselves as well as a sense of alienation and disconnection from others. It seems that it is much more difficult to accept and love ourselves when simultaneously having to keep parts of ourselves separate (fragmented/ compartmentalized) from our sense of self. It is often only after we can embrace/ tolerate/ withstand the whole of our experiences that we can begin to feel more whole again.
As classic analysts pointed out—what we don’t remember we are bound to repeat (1). And one way to make sense of this is the following—when we do not have a safe space to work through (reflect upon, experience, intentionally “remember,” and eventually integrate) our traumatic experiences, we are much more likely to find ourselves or to experience ourselves in ways that are similar to the original ways in which we were damaged or hurt.
One way this “repetition” of difficult childhood experiences can unfold is through inadvertently passing them on to our children. Most likely, if it were a conscious choice, no one would pass on to their kids their own vulnerabilities and pains. We so badly want to equip them with the emotional resources that they will need to thrive and enjoy what life has to offer. Yet, inadvertently we do. Without knowing, and without wanting, and perhaps without ever speaking a word about our troubles, we pass on our anxieties, our despair, our disillusionment, our anger, our grief, and a host of other emotions that are hard to experience on an ongoing basis.
I wholeheartedly believe that the vast majority (if not all) parents wouldn’t deliberately pass on the pain that they have endured. Not at all. The issue with this mechanism is that --when traumatic experiences have not been sufficiently worked through—this process happens without conscious awareness. It happens, for example, through us parents not being able to be emotionally present and engaged with our children as we are still, in some way, preoccupied with our own past (which is very much alive in the present), or we may (unconsciously) have mixed emotions about the fact that our children are having a better upbringing than the one we experienced and thus inadvertently deprive them of this possibility. Or, on the other hand, we may have been traumatized for not having fulfilled our own parents’ expectations, and thus are now over-invested in our kids fulfilling the high expectations that we set up for them, taking away their opportunity to navigate age-appropriate challenges without the burden that we are unintentionally placing on them.
What is to be done, then, if so many of us have endured some type of painful early experience?
You may have heard one of my favorite quotes, by Robert Frost, that says:
““The best way out is always through.””
This is where being engaged in therapy becomes so incredibly meaningful.
The process of therapy certainly has the potential to help us re-integrate fragmented aspects of ourselves and come out of it feeling more whole, emotionally stronger, and more in harmony with ourselves and our lives. That being said, I fully appreciate that therapy is a commitment to your own well being that can feel arduous, even overwhelming, at times. And that a lot of us feel some trepidation when thinking about embarking in this unique endeavor.
However...
..it is comforting to know that when you find a therapist that helps you feel safe, cared for, and understood, the therapeutic process can become one of the most rewarding experiences one can have, and one of the best investments as well. We only have one shot at life and when we realize that, given our experiences, we can benefit from cultivating a healing relationship of this nature, the earlier we can be engaged in this process, the less heartache and the more freedom and peace we will likely experience (and pass on) to our kids as a result.
If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, or if you are looking to work on yourself with the aim of being more free and less burdened by the difficulties you endured in the past, I am here to help. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,
Dr. Claudia Perolini
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling
References
(1) Freud, Sigmund. (1914).Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through. Retrieved from
http://www.history.ucsb.edu/faculty/marcuse/classes/201/articles/1914FreudRemembering.pdf
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
