What if I Don’t Feel Thankful This Year?

Thanksgiving is just around the corner here in North America. With it comes the decorations in stores, the fall colors, and the many conversations about plans—where we’re going, who’s coming over, or how we’re celebrating. “Turkey Day” takes center stage for most of us, as it’s one of the major holidays in the United States.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of gathering and gratitude—a beautiful sentiment if we feel we have reasons to be thankful or can access that emotional state. I know some people say, “There’s always something to be grateful for,” and while that may be true, gratitude can often feel subjective. It really depends on the eyes of the beholder.

If I had just lost my partner of 20 years last month, for instance, gratitude might not feel accessible at all. That’s an extreme example, but we all endure our fair share of pain in life—grief, loss, illness, missed opportunities, divorce, accidents, or even drifting away from people we once held dear. For some, Thanksgiving might even highlight what’s missing. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay if gratitude doesn’t come easily this holiday season. Or if it does not come at all.

You feel the way you feel. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to experience this holiday.

I’m not suggesting that anyone going through hardship automatically can’t feel thankful. That’s not the case at all. Gratitude is deeply personal. Some may find solace in reflecting on the good in their lives, even amidst challenges. What I’ve noticed in my practice over the years is that many people feel guilty for not being able to connect with gratitude, especially during this season. It’s not that anyone intentionally applies pressure to “be thankful,” but the widespread cheer of the holiday can leave some feeling like they’re falling short.

I’ve sat with patients who were angry, grieving, or feeling betrayed during Thanksgiving season.  Their pain was raw—whether they were mourning a loss, dealing with the discovery of infidelity, or navigating a life-altering change (e.g., moving out of state, a recent health diagnosis, so on and so forth). These are the more visible, acute examples.

But sometimes, it’s subtler.

I’ve had patients wrestle with the quiet frustration of feeling stuck, as though life is passing them by and they’re not living up to their potential. For them, Thanksgiving might bring up bittersweet memories or a longing for simpler times—those carefree childhood days when life seemed so much easier.

If you’re not feeling especially thankful this Thanksgiving, I see you. Please know there’s no pressure to feel anything other than what’s real for you. Our emotions are what they are—valid, authentic, and deserving of space.

If you’re finding this season particularly challenging and feel you could benefit from a safe, confidential space to share and process your feelings, I’m here. You can book a free 20-minute phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit to work together at www.calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my pages on anxiety, depression, or trauma.

Until next time,

Dr. P

The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

As a psychologist working with teens, I have the kind of unique opportunity to hear and witness up close what being a high schooler nowadays is like. One trend that came up more and more clearly over the years is that many teenagers feel increasing pressure to engage in sexual activity earlier in their high school years. This pressure often comes from peers, sometimes friends, media, and/ or from a desire to meet perceived expectations from other people their age or a few years older. While this can impact all teens, it’s especially challenging for young women, who may feel the weight of these pressures more strongly and most often than not share with me that the idea they had of their “first time” differs significantly from what they had experienced.  

 A shift I've noticed is how sex is being framed in these formative years. Rather than being seen as an expression of some sort of meaningful, emotionally connected relationship, it is often treated as a physical act with less (little or no) consideration for the relational context. My young clients share stories that reveal just how prevalent this mindset has become, from casual sexual encounters at parties to guys asking around for oral sex at school (I assume only the request is made during school hours).

Granted, not all teens view sex this way, and I certainly approach this topic in a nonjudgment way. I however, do see the pain, disappointment, and regret young teen girls endure as a result of being part of this environment. My goal is to highlight the emotional impact that emerge, especially for girls (but not only restricted to teen girls), when they engage in sex before they’re truly ready or for reasons that aren’t aligned with their values. Alcohol and other substances, such as weed are often part of the picture during parties and social gatherings which further compound the problem.

 The Emotional Impact of Casual Sex on Teens, Especially Young Women

 Here are some of the common adverse effects teens may experience after engaging in casual sex, particularly when they feel pressured or uncertain:

• Feelings of regret and emptiness: Many young women report a sense of emptiness or regret after engaging in casual sex. Instead of feeling closer to the other person, they often feel disconnected and question their decision. Studies indicate that a significant percentage of teens (about 40%) who engaged in sex due to peer pressure later wished they had waited until it felt right for them.

• Anxiety over potential pregnancy or sexual transmitted infections (STIs): The physical risks of sexual activity, including unintended pregnancy and STIs, add a layer of stress that lingers long after the sexual encounter is over. Teen girls especially face heightened anxiety around these issues, impacting their emotional well-being.

• Difficulty with boundaries and saying no: Many young women, particularly those who are naturally inclined to please others, struggle to assert their boundaries. This can make it challenging for them to say no, even if they’re uncomfortable. They may go along with sexual encounters they don’t fully want, which can harm their self-esteem and self-worth.

• A sense of being used or devalued: Teens who engage in casual sex often feel disappointed when the person they were with doesn’t reciprocate any emotional connection. Feeling used or as though the encounter was transactional can be painful, leading to feelings of devaluation. 

• Social consequences and peer dynamics: When private moments are shared openly with peers (or worse, on social media) by the other, teens feel exposed or humiliated. The emotional aftermath can be profound, leading to feelings of shame, isolation, and social anxiety. They basically want to hide, and not go to school as they know so many people now know of their private sexual lives.

Can you imagine being able to concentrate in Geometry while dealing with these feelings? Extremely hard to say the least.

Some of my clients have confided that they participated in sexual activities simply because it seemed to be the “norm” or because they feared rejection. “It seems to be what kids do at this age”, “my girlfriends encouraged me to,” and “I have heard around that I am the only virgin among my friend group” are reasons some of my regretful lovely young teen girls cite as reasons for saying yes.

For teens navigating these pressures, therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore their thoughts and feelings around this topic: what is it that they want? How can they be prepared to withstand the peer pressure (from guys and girls alike) to “just do it” (if waiting is what they truly want to do)? Understanding the social and implicit pressures that may not always be obvious allows teens to make more conscious choices. In therapy, they can reflect on what feels right for them, helping them gain clarity on their boundaries and values.

It’s also worth noting that, while sexual pressure isn’t the primary issue for most teens who come to see me, it often surfaces in our conversations. Whether they need support in making these decisions or in processing feelings of discomfort after a sexual experience that didn’t go as they had hoped, the therapy space is open to offer a safe and nonjudgmental space in which teens can explore any and all feelings.

If you are a teen or a parent of a teen who could benefit from a compassionate, confidential space to discuss and work through these or any other issues, please feel free to reach out. I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation, which you can schedule at calendly.com/drperolini. To read more about my with teens you can check out my page on teen counseling.

Until next time,

Dr. P

When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."

This reaction happens because the hurt caused during childhood can be long-lasting and profound. Emotional neglect or abuse can shape how a person sees themselves, others, and the world, leaving behind emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood. By the time a parent offers an apology, the adult child may intellectually acknowledge it, but emotionally, it often doesn’t reach the depth of pain that was experienced during childhood. At that point, the individual has typically developed coping mechanisms, emotional defenses, or even a level of emotional disconnection to survive those early wounds.

It makes sense that an apology after years of emotional harm doesn't fully heal the hurt. The damage can be so ingrained that simple words, even if they are heartfelt, cannot undo the suffering or erase the behavioral patterns formed in response. This is why some individuals perceive such apologies as "too little, too late." While the apology might provide some relief or comfort, it doesn't address the core of what was lost or unmet. Healing from these experiences often requires much more than an apology, even though it may be the most the person offering it can provide in the present moment.  

How can therapy help?

Therapy can be a powerful space for those who’ve endured such relational trauma to process its lingering effects. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they can work through these experiences on their journey toward healing. Though an apology may be well-meaning, it is rarely enough to heal the deep wounds created in early life.

Some of my clients who’ve had this experience have struggled with guilt as a result, feeling they should be able to let go of the past in the face of what seems like a sincere apology.

Patients navigate these experiences in different ways.

One specific client comes to mind who over time allowed herself to hold the tension of “appreciating” the apology while also acknowledging that true healing could only come from her ongoing commitment to self-care through therapy—and other nurturing practices. Together, we navigated how apologies can sometimes trigger guilt, especially when the individual realizes that an apology doesn’t erase the painful parts of who they’ve become as a result of trauma. Many people, for example, carry a deep sense of unworthiness or feeling “less than,” which is hard to shake even with heartfelt apologies.

While trauma impacts people differently, feelings like these are common among those who have experienced developmental trauma. This type of trauma refers to the emotional harm caused by chronic neglect, abuse, or adversity during a child’s critical stages of growth. It disrupts the formation of healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and a sense of self, leading to long-term mental health struggles and challenges in relationships.

If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and there is nothing “wrong” with the way you’re reacting. If you’d like to explore how therapy could support your healing process, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com. To read more about my work in this area you can check out my pages on anxiety , depression, and/or trauma.

To honoring your own feelings,

Dr. P

Feeling Invisible: A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Rediscovering Our Worth

There’s a deep and painful emotional experience that can leave someone feeling like they don’t truly exist—the feeling of invisibility. It’s a feeling that arises when others seem to look right through us, as if our presence is inconsequential, unnoticed. We painfully observe how those around us acknowledge others with a word, a gesture, or even a glance, while we remain unrecognized. This experience can be crushing. A part of us might wish to disappear entirely, to retreat to a safe space, away from the embarrassment and rejection. Deep down, the question forms: Why am I not worth being acknowledged? And often, this leads to an even more painful self-inquiry: What is wrong with me?

For many of the teens I work with, this sense of invisibility is not a new feeling. They’ve faced it in social settings time and again. Over time, these repeated experiences can trigger insecurities, self-doubt, and the eventual questioning of their own self-worth. What started as a quiet rejection at school, or in social settings, builds up until they begin to wonder if they are even deserving of acknowledgment. It's a heartbreaking cycle, one that is particularly poignant because these teens often internalize the hurt.

What happens when anger is turned inward?

Sigmund Freud, in his theory of depression, suggested that when anger isn’t outwardly expressed, it turns inward. This inward turn can result in self-blame, and I see this so often in in my work with teens and young adults. Instead of expressing frustration or hurt toward those who have excluded or ignored them, they turn that blame on themselves. What did I do wrong? Why don’t people see me? They ask themselves over and over. They become their own harshest critics.

Over time, these teens develop an intense gratitude toward anyone who notices them. A simple act of acknowledgment—a smile, a kind word, or a small gesture of kindness—can have an outsized emotional impact. Many of my patients have shared how deeply moved they’ve been by small acts of generosity. One of my patients almost became tearful when someone offered to lend them a few dollars for lunch when they had forgotten theirs. Another was overwhelmed by the kindness of a classmate who gave them a welcoming look at the lunch table, a signal that they were allowed to sit beside them. What seems like a simple interaction to some can be huge to those who feel invisible. These acts validate their existence. I am worth something, they think. I matter, if only for a moment.

Seeking connection

These experiences, while painful, speak to the basic human need for connection. When teens feel invisible, it isn’t just a matter of not being seen—it’s a matter of feeling like they don’t exist in the minds of others. It can be a tragedy when this feeling of being unseen begins to shape their self-perception, especially in a world where acknowledgment is so crucial to developing self-esteem and confidence.

Unfortunately, this cycle of invisibility can become self-perpetuating. The more these teens feel unseen, the more they internalize it, believing it’s a reflection of their own worth. Over time, they lose confidence, and their ability to connect with others begins to deteriorate. The cycle continues: the more they feel isolated, the harder it becomes to break free. Without intervention, this can lead to a deepening sense of loneliness and despair.

How can therapy help?

This is where therapy can play a crucial role. The therapeutic space is a place where teens can feel seen, accepted, and cared for, often for the first time in a long time. Therapy allows them to voice their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and emotions without fear of judgment. In this space, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a model for what healthy, validating connections can look like. It provides a safe space for clients to feel understood, to experience empathy, and to process their feelings.

Therapy helps soften the harsh internal voice that many of these teens/ young adult develop, the one that tells them they’re not good enough or that they deserve to be invisible. Over time, this internal dialogue shifts, allowing clients to treat themselves with greater care and empathy. Through insight and increased self-awareness, they begin to see that they are worthy of being seen and heard. This can be a healing process, one that allows them to recognize their inherent worth, independent of others' opinions.

A stronger sense of self

As teens begin to develop this newfound self-compassion, they gain the strength to navigate future encounters with more resilience. Rather than internalizing the pain of being dismissed or ignored, they can reflect on how they want to respond. They become empowered to choose their reactions—whether it’s deciding to voice how something made them feel, or simply letting go of others’ judgments and focusing on their own sense of self.

Ultimately, therapy fosters a deeper trust in oneself. It encourages individuals to be mindful of their own experiences and over time it is not uncommon for clients to be less impacted by how others perceive them. Therapy offers the tools to help them feel more at ease in their authentic selves, reducing the power that feelings of invisibility once held over them. It provides a space where they can process these emotions, regain their sense of worth, and begin to trust in themselves again. With time and support, these young individuals can reclaim their confidence and feel empowered in their own authenticity.

If you as a young adult, or your teen struggles with having felt invisible, I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today. We can explore whether therapy may be a right fit to address these feelings so that they don’t further undermine your confidence and self-esteem.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting & healing in the process,

Dr. P

Navigating the Stormy Seas of Parenting Teens

Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating stormy seas. The once sweet, cooperative child you knew has morphed into a distant, secretive, and sometimes rebellious teenager. As a psychologist who works with teens, I assure you that your feelings of frustration, confusion, and even helplessness are entirely valid. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for restoring a sense of peace to your family life.

Understanding the Transformation

Teenagers are in a critical stage of development, experiencing so many changes, both physically and emotionally. One key process that unfolds during this time is that of “separation and individuation.” This process involves teens exploring who they want to be, separate from their parents and family identity. They push boundaries, make decisions that we as parents do not agree with, and sometimes engage in risky behaviors as they figure out their place in the world.

Separation and Individuation: What Is It?

Separation refers to the process by which an individual becomes distinct from their parents or primary caregivers. This involves both physical and emotional distancing, allowing the adolescent to develop a sense of individuality and autonomy. It includes:

1. Physical Separation: This may include spending more time away from home, engaging in activities independently, and establishing their own routines and preferences.

2. Emotional Separation: Teens start to establish their own values, beliefs, and emotional responses that may differ from those of their parents. This can involve questioning and sometimes rejecting parental views as they form their own identities.

As much as we know that this is a normal process, the increasing both physical and emotional separation may be quite an adjustment for parents.

Individuation is the process in which the teen develops a unique identity and sense of self that is separate from others. This process is closely tied to separation and involves several key components:

1. Self-Identity: Adolescents begin to understand who they are as individuals, separate from their family and peers. This involves recognizing their own strengths, weaknesses, interests, and values.

2. Autonomy: Developing the ability to make independent decisions and take responsibility for their actions is a critical part of individuation.

3. Personal Boundaries: Teens learn to establish and maintain personal boundaries, understanding what is acceptable for them and asserting their needs and preferences.

4. Self-Reflection: Engaging in self-reflection helps adolescents understand their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, leading to greater self-awareness and insight.

The Importance of Separation and Individuation

These processes are essential for several reasons:

1. Building Confidence: Successfully navigating separation and individuation helps adolescents build confidence in their abilities to function independently.

2. Developing Resilience: By making their own decisions and learning from their mistakes, teens develop resilience and the ability to cope with challenges.

3. Forming Healthy Relationships: Establishing a strong sense of self is crucial for forming healthy, balanced relationships in the future. It allows individuals to connect with others while maintaining their own identity.

4. Preparing for Adulthood: These processes prepare adolescents for the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood by fostering independence and self-sufficiency.

Challenges and Support

While separation and individuation are normal and necessary, they can be challenging for both teens and their parents. Adolescents may struggle with the emotional turmoil and uncertainty that accompany these changes, and parents may find it difficult to adjust to their child’s growing independence.

For Teens:

1. Emotional Turmoil: Adolescents may experience mood swings, confusion, and frustration as they navigate these processes.

2. Peer Pressure: The desire to fit in with peers can sometimes conflict with their emerging sense of self, leading to additional stress.

3. Identity Crisis: Some teens may experience periods of identity crisis, where they question who they are and where they belong.

For Parents:

1. Letting Go: Allowing their child to become more independent can be challenging for parents, who may feel a sense of loss or fear for their child’s well-being.

2. Conflict: Increased conflict can arise as teens assert their independence and parents struggle to maintain boundaries and expectations.

3. Communication: Maintaining open and effective communication during this time can be difficult but is essential for a healthy parent-teen relationship.

The Emotional Rollercoaster for Parents

Witnessing your teen make choices that you know could lead to pain or difficulty can be excruciating. You want to shield them from harm and guide them towards better decisions, but sometimes it feels like they are determined to do the opposite. It's common to feel embarrassed, shocked, and powerless. Loving, caring parents can find themselves at their wit's end, wondering how to navigate this tumultuous period.

Common Parental Reactions

1. Shock and Disbelief: The transformation from a cooperative child to a rebellious teen can be sudden and jarring.

2. Frustration and Anger: The disrespect, lying, and secrecy can lead to intense frustration and anger.

3. Sadness and Grief: Parents may mourn the loss of the close relationship they once had with their child.

4. Guilt and Self-Doubt: Parents often question their parenting skills and wonder where they went wrong.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can be a lifeline for both teens and their parents during these challenging years. It provides a safe, confidential space for teens to express their feelings and thoughts without judgment. Through therapy, they can start to make sense of their emotions and behaviors and begin to develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Benefits of Therapy for Teens

1. Emotional Expression: Teens can freely express their anger, frustration, and pain.

2. Self-Understanding: They can gain insights into their behavior and underlying issues.

3. Improved Relationships: Therapy can enhance their communication skills and improve relationships with peers and family.

4. Self-Confidence: By working through their challenges, teens can build self-esteem and confidence in their choices.

Benefits of Therapy for Parents

1. Guidance and Support: Therapy provides parents with strategies to navigate their teen’s behavior effectively.

2. Validation: Parents often feel validated in their struggles and less alone.

3. Improved Communication: This is often a byproduct of therapy. As parents and teens feel heard and understood by the experience of therapy, they are better equipped to communicate with each other more effectively.

Practical Tips for Parents

While therapy can provide significant support, there are also practical steps you can take at home to help your teen and maintain your sanity:

1. Stay Calm: Reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Try to stay calm and composed (I know this is easier said than done).

2. Listen Actively: Show your teen that you are listening to them without immediately jumping in with advice or criticism.

3. Set Boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential, but ensure they are reasonable and respect your teen's growing need for independence.

4. Encourage Positive Activities: Encourage your teen to engage in positive activities that interest them, whether it’s sports, arts, or volunteering.

5. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist, support group, or other parents who are going through similar experiences.

There Is Hope

If you feel like you’re at the end of your rope with your teen, remember that, oftentimes, this is a normal part of their development. While the journey can be painful and challenging, it is also a time of incredible growth and transformation. Therapy can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate this period, helping your teen become a confident and independent young adult.

As a psychologist, my goal is to support your teen, and in turn your family, through this journey. My experience working with teens is that through therapy, teens have the opportunity to develop into a self-assured individual, restoring a sense of (even if relative) peace and harmony to your family life. If your teen is struggling, or if you as a parent are finding it difficult to cope, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.””

— Winston Churchill

If your struggle with your teen is something you cannot easily put aside, know that you are not alone. I am here to support you through your next steps in reclaiming a certain degree of peace and understanding in your family life. I invite you to reach out by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation at calendly.com/drperolini today.

To read more about my work you can visit https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling.

To reconnecting with one of the people you probably love the most in the world!

Dr. P

Helping women in their 40s and 50s navigate midlife changes

Women in their 40s and 50s are often navigating a complex and transformative period in their lives. As a psychologist specializing in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based approaches, I have worked with many women who face challenges during this time. Midlife brings about significant physical changes, particularly during perimenopause, as well as emotional and cognitive shifts that can impact our overall well-being.

Physical Changes During Perimenopause

1. Irregular Periods: One of the most common physical changes women experience during perimenopause is irregular periods. Menstrual cycles may become unpredictable, with periods that are closer together, farther apart, heavier, or lighter. This unpredictability can be frustrating and distressing, often disrupting daily routines and causing anxiety.

2. Hot Flashes and Night Sweats: Sudden feelings of intense warmth, often accompanied by sweating and redness, are hallmark symptoms of perimenopause. These hot flashes can occur during the day or night, leading to discomfort and embarrassment. Night sweats can disrupt sleep, contributing to fatigue and irritability.

3. Sleep Disturbances: Many women find it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep during perimenopause. This can be due to night sweats or other factors such as anxiety and hormonal fluctuations. Chronic sleep deprivation can have a significant impact on mood, cognitive function, and overall health.

4. Weight Gain: Changes in metabolism during perimenopause can result in weight gain, particularly around the abdomen. This can be challenging and can lead to feelings of frustration and self-consciousness.

5. Hair and Skin Changes: Thinning hair and dry skin are common as estrogen levels decline. These changes can affect self-esteem and body image, contributing to emotional distress.

Emotional and Cognitive Changes

1. Mood Swings: Hormonal changes can lead to increased irritability, anxiety, or depression. Women may find themselves experiencing intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, making it difficult to manage daily responsibilities and relationships.

2. Changes in Memory : Some women experience difficulty concentrating or short-term memory issues during perimenopause. This can be concerning and may affect work performance and personal relationships.

3. Decreased Libido: A decrease in sexual desire is common during perimenopause, often due to hormonal changes and vaginal dryness. This can impact intimate relationships and lead to feelings of frustration or inadequacy.

Emotional Well-Being During Midlife

The physical and emotional changes of perimenopause can take a toll on women’s well-being. From feeling confused and overwhelmed to, in some way, mourning the loss of the youth associated with their 20s and 30s, this period can be incredibly challenging. In addition, many women in their 40s and 50s are raising children and dealing with the demands of work either at home or outside the home, which can add to the stress and emotional burden. They are often also a caregiver to their aging parents, in one capacity or another.

In my experience as a therapist, many women feel a sense of loss regarding how they used to feel and see themselves before these changes began. Periods of change such as this one provide a rich opportunity to reflect on one’s life and how we adjust and adapt to experiencing changes in our bodies and overall to being more acutely aware of the passage of time. It is absolutely normal to feel frustrated, upset, anxious, or sad when we notice these changes; sometimes we may even feel helpless and not know how to navigate these changes that always feel a bit unexpected and challenge the status quo of previous years.

“Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.””

— Carl Jung

The Importance of Therapy

Therapy can be incredibly meaningful for women going through these changes. It provides a space to better understand and make meaning of what is happening to them. Many of my clients tell me they feel a unique satisfaction in knowing themselves more deeply and in feeling more in control of their lives and their path.

1. Creating Space for Reflection: Therapy allows women to intentionally create a space for themselves to reflect on their experiences and emotions. This can help them make sense of the changes they are going through and develop strategies to cope with them.

2. Addressing Emotional Challenges: From an emotional standpoint, therapy provides a safe space to discuss and disclose any and all feelings about what they are experiencing. It can be overwhelming to deal with the physical changes of perimenopause on top of the demands of daily life, and therapy can offer much-needed respite and support.

3. Enhancing Self-Understanding: Working in therapy helps women to explore how the changes in their bodies impact how they see themselves, what they enjoy doing, and their level of energy. This deeper self-understanding can make the changes a. bit more bearable and help women feel less alone in their journey.

4. Improving Relationships: Therapy can also help women navigate changes in their relationships. For example, partners, particularly men, may have difficulty fully understanding what is happening as this is something they personally do not experience. Therapy can provide a space to explore these dynamics and improve communication and support within relationships.

Putting it all together and finding support

Midlife and perimenopause bring about significant physical and emotional changes for women. While these changes are normal and to be expected, they can be emotionally heavy and challenging to navigate. Therapy can provide a supportive and empowering space for women to process their experiences, develop coping strategies, and enhance their overall well-being. If you are in your 40s or 50s experiencing these changes, consider reaching out for support by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at calendly.com/drperolini. Together, we can work towards making this transitional period a time of growth and self-discovery.

To read more about my work you can visit drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling or drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Cheers to making a space for ourselves!

Dr. P

Minimizing Regrets: Navigating Life's Choices with Reflection and Therapy

In the whirlwind of modern life, it's easy to get caught up in the constant motion, deadlines, and responsibilities without pausing to reflect on the path we're on. Yet, within the chaos lies a crucial question that often goes unasked until it's too late: Will the life we're living today bring a smile to our 85-year-old wrinkled face, should we be fortunate enough to reach that age?

As a psychologist working from an approach rooted in psychodynamic, attachment, and existential thought, this question forms the cornerstone of my work and personal philosophy. The journey of minimizing regrets begins with the art of reflection—a practice often overshadowed by the urgency of daily demands but one that holds the key to living a life aligned with our deepest values and aspirations.

Reflection, however, isn't a substitute for action. It's a catalyst that propels us towards purposeful action, guided by our desires, interests, and values. Therapy, in this context, serves as a supportive space where reflection blossoms into self-awareness, steering us to make choices that resonate with our authentic selves.

In the therapeutic journey, there's no room for judgment. Instead, there's a gentle invitation to explore how we are living our lives, how we would like to live our lives and assess whether these are aligned or maybe less so. This introspection may reveal areas where adjustments would be welcomed—opportunities to course-correct and craft a life that feels genuinely rich and meaningful.

 This powerful quote may seem a bit extreme, though I certainly feel it it worth reflecting on - pun intended :)

“The unexamined life is not worth living” ”

— Sócrates

This is precisely the work that therapy affords us to do- one in which we can examine our lives at a profound level. The good thing is that there is never pressure to do so. What lies implicitly is the invitation to engage in this way.

Over my years in practice, I've witnessed profound transformations sparked by the introspective work of therapy. Patients have bravely pursued relocation to nurture family bonds or chase career dreams that ignite their souls. Some have traded financial security for a life with a better work-life balance, aligning their professional pursuits with their core values.

Yet, the shifts aren't always grand gestures visible to the world. Therapy's impact often lies in the subtleties—the rekindling of vulnerability in individuals accustomed to being stoic pillars for others, the exploration of unaddressed grief, or/ and the integration of fragmented aspects of the self.

Therapy isn't about dwelling in pain (as sometimes people portray it to be); it's about embracing emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, with compassion and understanding. By shining a light on “suppressed” feelings, or feelings or experiences that consciously we would like to leave to the side, (or even better, forget) we reclaim our agency and diminish their power over us.

Avoidance, after all, inadvertently amplifies what we seek to evade.

As a therapist, I see my role as a guide through this journey of self-discovery and growth. Week after week, therapy cultivates a deeper understanding of our inner life, empowering us to make choices that align with our true selves.

In the pursuit of a life with fewer regrets, reflection and therapy emerge as indispensable tools. They invite us to gaze into the mirror of our existence, navigate our emotions with grace, and ultimately, live a life of purpose and authenticity.

Cheers to walking this path of life in very intentional ways,

Dr. P

Navigating Anxiety: A Journey of Self-Acceptance, Resiliency, and Growth

Do you ever feel like your anxiety is driving you "crazy"?

If your answer is “yes,” please know you are not at all alone. Many, many teens and adults experience intense waves of anxiety that can make them feel like their minds and bodies are spinning out of control. Their hands may sweat, their hearts race, and they might even feel they have a hard time breathing. These physical symptoms can be terrifying, and when they become chronic, they can turn our lives upside down.

Living with anxiety isn't just about experiencing these overwhelming moments. It's about the ongoing impact on our daily lives. Simple tasks become daunting, concentration becomes a struggle, and for many, socializing can feel like a huge challenge. The constant battle with anxiety can erode our self-esteem and leave us feeling isolated and misunderstood. Feeling alone and sometimes even angry at life for having to suffer in this way. Day in and day out. Not matter what we do.

What is often frustrating is the well-meaning advice we receive from others. "Just relax," "Don't worry," they say, as if it's that easy to switch off our anxiety. If it were, wouldn't we all have done it already?

My patients share with me how stressful it can be to hear that their huge problem is seen by others as something that can be managed by just “breathing.” The reality is that managing anxiety is a complex journey that millions of people navigate every day.

But here is the good news— anxiety is a treatable condition, and therapy can be a transformative tool in addressing its root causes. As a therapist, I've seen firsthand how therapy can empower individuals to understand and manage their anxiety in a healthier way.

One of the first steps in therapy is acknowledging that anxiety is usually not just a random feeling—it's a symptom of deeper emotions, fears, concerns, or uncertainties that we may not be fully aware of. By exploring these underlying issues, we can begin to make sense of our experience of anxiety and perhaps even begin to relate to our anxiety in a different way. A way in which we can observe, notice, witness, acknowledge our anxiety yet at the same time a way in which we do not feel absolutely overwhelmed, debilitated, overpowered, or taken over by the anxiety.

Therapy isn't about "fixing" the anxiety or even “making it” go away; it's about accepting it as part of our human experience and learning to coexist with it more harmoniously. This shift in perspective—from fighting against anxiety to making space for it—can be incredibly freeing. It allows us to explore our emotions with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment and fear.

Through therapy, patients often discover a newfound acceptance of themselves and their emotions. They learn that it's okay to feel anxious, and that acceptance doesn't mean resignation—it means empowerment. With acceptance tends to come resilience, curiosity, and a sense of inner peace. I always clarify that acceptance does not necessarily mean that we will not work toward living a life a bit more free from overpowering anxiety, if that is what we want to do. It means giving the message to the anxiety and to ourselves that anxiety cannot destroy us or destroy the dreams we once had for our lives.

Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, famously said,

““The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.””

— Carl Rogers

And I would underline the word”then.”

This rings true in the journey of addressing anxiety in therapy. When we stop struggling against our anxiety and start embracing our whole selves, transformation becomes possible.

So, if right now your life is restricted due to your anxiety, in any way, whether you're a teen or an adult, know that you're not alone, and that support in navigating your anxiety differently is available. Therapy can provide a pathway to self-acceptance, hope, and more ease in your life. A path away from labels, from feeling confined, alone, and confused. It's a journey worth taking—one that can lead to a life characterized by resilience, understanding, and profound self-discovery.

You can read more about my work in the area of anxiety at https://drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling. You can take the first step by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page.  I look forward to speaking with you. Click here if you want to learn more about working with me.

Trusting your inner wisdom and potential,

Dr. P

Unveiling Complex Trauma: Its Impact on Attachment Relationships and Healing

Complex trauma is a profound psychological experience that significantly differs from acute trauma in its lasting impact on individuals' lives. As a psychologist specializing in trauma, I aim to shed light on the silent tragedy of complex trauma and its profound effects on attachment relationships. This blog post is an invitation to understand complex trauma, its implications, and the journey of healing for those who have experienced it.

Understanding Complex Trauma

Complex trauma refers to a pattern of enduring psychological distress resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events or experiences that deeply affect an individual's sense of self, safety, and well-being. Unlike acute trauma, which often involves a single incident, complex trauma can stem from ongoing situations such as childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or living in environments of chronic adversity and instability.

While some forms of complex trauma, such as physical abuse could be more overt and sometimes more easily identifiable, complex trauma also encompasses a broader range of experiences that are often insidious and less visible. One example of complex trauma is being repeatedly invalidated or silenced, where an individual's thoughts, feelings, or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or invalidated by others. When we experience this treatment in our innermost circle, often our families of origin, it tends to lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and powerlessness.

For instance, a person growing up in a family environment where their emotions are consistently disregarded or belittled may develop a deep sense of invalidation. Their attempts to express themselves or seek support may be met with responses like "stop being so sensitive" or "you're overreacting," which can contribute to a chronic feeling of not being heard or understood. Or even more, of feeling they do not deserve to be heard, understood, and supported. This ongoing invalidation can erode self-esteem, create difficulties in forming trusting relationships, and lead to emotional dysregulation and insecurity. In this way, complex trauma has significant implications for development and its consequences are far-reaching.

““Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.” ”

— Peter A. Levine

The Impact on Attachment Relationships

One of the most significant consequences of complex trauma is its profound impact on attachment relationships. Attachment refers to the emotional bond between individuals, especially in early childhood with primary caregivers. Complex trauma can disrupt the development of secure attachment patterns, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships later in life.

Challenges in Relationships and Boundaries

The impact of complex trauma extends to struggles in relationships and setting healthy boundaries. Trauma survivors may find it challenging to establish boundaries, say no, or prioritize their emotional well-being. This difficulty in asserting boundaries can lead to further challenges in maintaining healthy relationships and self-esteem.

Loss and Loneliness

In my work with clients who have experienced complex trauma, feelings of loss are pervasive. There is a profound sense of loss of trust, innocence, and the possibility of a carefree childhood. Trauma survivors often carry a heavy burden of loneliness, feeling isolated in their experiences and unable to share their pain due to fear, shame, or disbelief from others.

 Complex Trauma Shatters One’s Sense of Safety

Complex trauma challenges our sense of safety in the world, even when the traumatic events are no longer actively occurring or when the individuals responsible for the trauma are no longer present. The effects of trauma can linger long after the actual events, influencing how individuals perceive and navigate their surroundings. For example, someone who experienced chronic emotional neglect or psychological abuse as a child may struggle with feelings of distrust, hypervigilance, and anxiety in adulthood, even in seemingly safe environments. This persistent sense of threat or danger can impact daily functioning, relationships, and overall well-being, creating barriers to experiencing a sense of security and trust in the world.

Moreover, complex trauma can extend beyond the perpetrators' lifetimes, continuing to affect survivors even after their death. The unresolved emotional wounds, negative beliefs, and coping mechanisms developed in response to trauma can persist, shaping individuals' thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses. This highlights the enduring nature of complex trauma and the profound challenges it poses to healing and recovery. Therapy and trauma-informed interventions play a crucial role in addressing complex trauma, helping individuals process their experiences, rebuild a sense of safety and self-worth, and develop healthier coping strategies for navigating life's challenges.

The Therapeutic Journey

Therapy plays a vital role in the healing journey of individuals with complex trauma. It provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore and process their experiences, rewrite their narratives, and release feelings of shame, guilt, and responsibility that are often carried for years. Through therapy, trauma survivors can begin to shed the burdens they carry inside and find validation, understanding, and empowerment.

Empowerment and Healing

As clients progress in therapy, they often experience a shift towards empowerment and healing. They gain a deeper understanding of how complex trauma has shaped their lives and behaviors, allowing them to reclaim agency and authorship over their narratives. With reduced symptoms of anxiety, improved sleep patterns, and a greater sense of peace, clients can embark on a journey of introspection, self-compassion, and resilience.

Conclusion

Complex trauma is a multifaceted experience that deeply impacts attachment relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Through therapy and healing work, individuals can navigate the complexities of their trauma, find validation and support, and gradually reclaim a sense of agency, peace, and empowerment in their lives. As a psychologist specializing in trauma, I am dedicated to supporting clients on their unique healing journeys and guiding them towards a path of self-discovery and emotional well-being. You can read more about my work with trauma at https://drperolini.com/trauma-therapy. You can take the first step by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you. Click here if you want to learn more about what working with me.

To your healing journey!

Dr. P

Embracing Anxiety: Is that even possible?

Anxiety is a common and often debilitating concern that many individuals, both teens and adults, grapple with in their everyday lives. As a psychologist specializing in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based therapy, I have seen firsthand how anxiety can manifest in various forms and impact individuals on a deep emotional level, hurting their work or school performance, making them dread interpersonal interactions and overall feeling less confident in themselves and their abilities.  The toll that long-standing anxiety can take on our self-esteem is significant. In this blog, I will explore the importance of not necessarily seeking “quick fixes” for anxiety and instead embracing it as a valuable source of insight and potential growth. By understanding anxiety as a signal from the unconscious, we can embark on a journey towards greater self-awareness, resilience, and emotional well-being.

Understanding the nature of anxiety

Anxiety, in its various forms, is often rooted in unconscious conflicts, unresolved issues, or unmet needs. From a psychodynamic perspective, anxiety arises from the interplay between different parts of the psyche – the id, ego, and superego. When these aspects are in conflict, it can lead to feelings of unease, tension, and apprehension.

Rather than viewing anxiety as a mere symptom to be alleviated, it is essential to recognize it as a valuable source of information about our inner world. Anxiety serves as a signal, communicating to us that something within ourselves needs attention and exploration. This does not mean that we do not do the inner work in therapy that is needed for anxiety to eventually lessen. We certainly do and we (both patient and myself) take it seriously. It is just that our approach is such that anxiety losing its power is more of a byproduct of our work together than the one and only goal of the therapeutic endeavor.

““When there is a problem, there is not something to do, there is something to know.””

— Louise Hay

The cycle of anxiety

Anxiety has a way of perpetuating itself, often leading to what we call "second-order anxiety" – anxiety about the anxiety itself. When we experience symptoms of anxiety, such as rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, or shortness of breath, it can trigger a cascade of further anxiety, intensifying our feelings of distress.

This cycle of anxiety can become overwhelming, leading to avoidance behaviors and further exacerbating our symptoms. We may begin to fear situations or experiences that trigger anxiety, leading to social isolation and a sense of helplessness, restricting our lives even more.

The role of therapy in managing anxiety

In psychodynamic therapy, we approach anxiety with a deep understanding of its underlying causes and mechanisms. Through techniques such as free association and interpretations of the dynamics that emerge in the therapy room, clients gain insight into their unconscious processes and develop healthier ways of coping with anxiety.

Rather than seeking quick fixes or temporary relief, therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where individuals can explore the roots of their anxiety and work towards lasting change. By understanding anxiety as a signal of unconscious conflict, therapy becomes a journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

Empowering change through insight

As individuals gain insight into the origins of their anxiety, they become better equipped to manage it in their everyday lives. Therapy fosters a sense of self-awareness and resilience, empowering individuals to navigate challenging situations with greater ease and confidence.

Through the therapeutic process, clients develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their emotions, cultivating a sense of inner peace and acceptance. Rather than feeling threatened by the presence of anxiety, they learn to coexist with it, embracing it as a natural and integral part of the human experience.

Managing anxiety in everyday life is a journey of self-discovery and growth. By understanding anxiety as a signal from the unconscious, psychodynamic therapy aims to promote lasting psychological change and greater emotional well-being. Eventually, it aims for patients to feel more empowered and equipped to handle anxiety when it does come up, as well as to feel less threatened by its presence.

My work with teens and adults in the area of anxiety over the years makes me very hopeful about the possibilities that therapy offers to channel debilitating anxiety into the seed for deeper insight and the development of an unshakeable trust in our ability to manage it. If you or your teen is struggling with anxiety, know that you are not alone. Therapy offers a pathway to greater self-awareness, emotional well-being, and inner peace. Together, we can embark on a journey towards embracing anxiety as a source of strength and empowerment, rather than a source of fear and distress. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

To be-friending what once was the enemy!

Dr. P

You can read more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

Adolescents' feelings of not belonging: what can we truly do about it?

For adolescences the quest for a sense of belonging is both fundamental and at the core of their path during these formative years. As a psychologist working with teens, I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact that not feeling a strong sense of belonging can have on a teen's mental health. Not only their emotional well-being, but also their physical health and academic performance may be affected when teens have pervasive feelings of not belonging. Increased anxiety, depression, social isolation, and lowered self-esteem are some of the most common effects of feeling that we do not belong.

“Why?” you are perhaps asking yourself. Let me share with you.

A sense of belonging, that subjective feeling of deep connection with a social group or sometimes also with a physical place, is a crucial human need with important implications. We human beings are social beings, meaning that we thrive when we are in close connection with others. This is most noticeable during the adolescent years, when teens spend increasing amounts of time with their peers without the presence of adults, and peers thus become the most significant reference group for adolescents (Hartup, 1999). For teens, this often plays out in the context of school, where peer relationships take center stage.

The Struggle to Belong

Teens, in their eagerness to connect, often initiate efforts to belong. However, throughout the years working with teens, I have observed how these deliberate attempts to cultivate connections are sometimes met with rejection, leaving teens feeling dismissed and invisible. This struggle is a common thread in the narratives of many of my teen clients, impacting their interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. What is more, these experiences leave teens feeling more vulnerable to the dangers of social media, as they often continue to look online for the connection and validation they cannot find in the real day-to-day experience.

One of my former patients, that I will call Mandy, comes to mind as I reflect on the struggle many teens endure in an effort to feel like they belong. Mandy's journey through therapy serves as a clear example of the detrimental impact of not belonging on adolescents’ mental health.  Once a cheerful and outgoing girl, Mandy found herself isolated and with an overwhelm sense of defeat, even hopelessness at times, unable to form connections with her peers at school, not matter how hard she tried. In fact, sometimes, the harder she tried, the deeper the pain. The pain of feeling invisible led her to bend over backwards, adopting behaviors that were not authentic to her true self just in an effort to “be more like them,” as Many would say. This took a toll on her self-esteem as she compromised her values to fit an image she believed would earn her popularity, and, eventually acceptance.

““Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.””

— Brené Brown

The False Sense of Belonging

Mandy's story reflects a common pattern – the pursuit of a sense of belonging that ends up being a false one. In attempting to conform to what teens think it is expected of them by their peers, they often lose touch with their authentic selves, leading to internal conflict and a fractured sense of identity. In therapy, the journey involves unpacking these layers, exploring the impact of societal pressures, and fostering a genuine acceptance of one's true self.

The Role of Therapy in Fostering Acceptance

Attachment-based psychotherapy provides a unique lens through which to view the challenges of belonging in adolescence. By creating a non-judgmental space for exploration, therapy becomes a sanctuary where teens can reflect on their sense of self and navigate the complexities of their relationships. Mandy's gradual realization of the void created by not being true to herself underscores the therapeutic process of self-discovery and acceptance.

The Gradual Path to Acceptance and the Corresponding Ease in Depression and Anxiety

The journey towards self-acceptance is gradual, requiring a strong connection between therapist and client. In therapy, teens like Mandy learn to cultivate a sense of self-worth less dependent of external validation. Through deepening their awareness and insight, they gain the confidence to embrace their true selves, fostering a healthier relationship with both themselves and others.

The Empowering Impact of Self-Knowledge

As teens develop a deeper understanding of their dynamics and relationships, they experience a newfound sense of choice and empowerment. Therapy becomes a safe space where they can explore their thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a ripple effect that extends beyond the therapy room. Mandy's story is a testament to the transformative power of self-knowledge and self-acceptance in the face of societal pressures.

How Therapy Can Help

The deliberate pursuit of a sense of belonging in adolescents is a common struggle. As a psychologist working from an attachment oriented approach, my commitment lies in guiding teens towards a genuine sense of connection with themselves and others. The therapeutic journey involves making a space for exploration of all the layers that are having an impact on their sense of belonging, fostering self-acceptance, and empowering them to navigate the challenges of adolescence with resilience and authenticity.

If you or your teen is grappling with the impact of social isolation or a lack of belonging, consider reaching out for support. Together, we can foster a sense of belonging that is rooted in authenticity and self-empowerment. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

To our teens fulfilling their potential,

Dr. P

You can read more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

References

Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1999). Friendships and adaptation across the life span. 

Understanding the complex grief of losing a loved one to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating and complex experience that leaves a lasting impact on those left behind. In my work as a psychologist, I have had the privilege of supporting patients who are grappling with the aftermath of such tragic loss. In this blog, I aim to expand on the multifaceted nature of grief after suicide and the way in which therapy can support those who had endured this painful experience in their lives. A consistent, supportive space in the form of therapy may help contain the immensity of the pain that loved ones are left to deal with.

The Weight of Unanswered Questions

One of the initial challenges faced by those mourning a suicide are the many unanswered questions that haunt their minds. "Did they not care enough about me that they could do this?" and "Could I have done something to prevent it?" are common questions that can lead to overwhelming feelings of anger, guilt, and/ or regret. As a therapist, creating a safe space for my patients to explore these questions is crucial. Together, we navigate the complexities of guilt, recognizing that it is a heavy burden to bear and requires an engaged other (the therapist) who is open, present, and ready to engage in the way the patient needs us to.

As therapists, we have to recognize that sometimes there are no words to capture the amount of pain a patient is experiencing. And this is absolutely fine. In patient’s silences there is ample opportunity to convey engagement in the face of profound despair.

Acknowledging the Complexity of Emotions

Grieving a loved one lost to suicide involves a rollercoaster of emotions. Anguish, pain, anger, confusion, and numbness are all part of the emotional reactions that may emerge. The question of "How could they do this to me or to our family?" is a valid expression of the anger that often coexists with profound sorrow. In therapy, my role is to provide a supportive environment where these emotions can be openly expressed and explored without judgment as well as to over time help patients make meaning of this experience.

Grieving our loss

The stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross* and later expanded by colleagues,– shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance, and integration – provide a framework for understanding the emotional journey after a loss. However, it's essential to recognize that grieving the death of a loved one to suicide doesn't follow a linear path. Therapy becomes a vital tool for helping individuals navigate these stages, providing a safe and non-judgmental space to process the complexities of their emotions.

““Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.””

— Leo Tolstoy

Creating Space for Healing

In therapy, we embark on a journey of healing that allows individuals to unpack the impact of their traumatic loss. The safety of the therapy room becomes a sanctuary where clients can explore the layers of their emotions, gradually moving towards acceptance and integration at their very own pace. It is crucial to emphasize that healing is a unique and non-linear process, and therapy provides a supportive space for individuals to work through their grief at the pace that feels right for them.

A common experience patients have after months or years passed and the loss is not that recent anymore is that it is often hard for them to find people who in some way still make reference to the person who died or more generally the loss they have experienced. This is understandable since people may prefer to not bring it up out of a fear that this would upset the person and they don’t want to create more pain for those who already have suffered so much. This tends to leave the loved one often feeling alone in their pain, and with the feeling that after a big “wave” of care and caring ears at the time of the loss, people seems to have forgotten or be less actively interested in how the process of grieving is unfolding for the loved one.

Attachment, psychodynamic, and existential approaches in working with grief

My work as a psychologist is rooted in attachment-based, psychodynamic, and existential approaches and this “lens” certainly guides my work with patients grieving a traumatic loss. I approach the grieving process of a traumatic loss by acknowledging the profound impact of attachment dynamics. The loss of a loved one to suicide can disrupt attachment patterns, leading to a complex interplay of emotions related to abandonment, rejection, and even betrayal. Attachment-based therapy offers a framework for exploring these dynamics and over time rebuilding a sense of security and connection. An existential framework allows for the exploration of themes related to one’s own mortality, personal freedom, deliberate choice, individual responsibility, and the pursuit of meaning, themes that often come up in the work with patients grieving a traumatic loss.

Losing a loved one to suicide is a challenging journey that ideally requires presence, engagement, and compassionate support. In my work as a psychologist, I am committed to helping individuals navigate the complex experience of grief. In therapy, we create a space for open exploration of emotions, acknowledging the unique challenges posed by suicide loss. Together with my patients we work towards healing, acceptance, and the gradual integration of the profound impact of such a traumatic experience.

If you are grappling with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, or in any traumatic context, know that seeking support is a courageous step towards reclaiming a sense of hope and connection in the midst of profound loss. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

With deep respect,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

References

Kubler-Ross, D., & Kessler, E. (2014). On grief and grieving. Simon & Schuster.

Navigating the Turbulent Waters: Understanding the Struggles Faced by Today's Teens

In the fast-paced and ever-evolving landscape of today's society, the challenges that teenagers encounter have become increasingly complex and demanding. As a psychologist whose work is rooted in psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based approaches, I have had the privilege of working closely and long term with teens facing a variety of issues – from depression and anxiety to trauma, self-injury, loss, and the overwhelming pressure to succeed. In this blog, I aim to shed light on some of the struggles our teens face nowadays, emphasizing the importance of working collaboratively toward understanding and making meaning of the teen’s experiences and underscoring the long-term benefits of effective therapeutic intervention.

The Social Media Paradox

One of the prominent challenges that adolescents grapple with in the 21st century is the omnipresence of social media. While these platforms offer the promise of connection, they also expose teens to a world of comparison, unrealistic standards, and cyberbullying. The incessant need to fit into predetermined online “personas” can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and isolation, leading to a detrimental impact on their self-esteem and overall emotional well-being.

As a psychologist, I've witnessed first-hand the detrimental effects of social media on self-esteem and identity formation. Teens often find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking external validation through likes and comments, fostering a sense of worth that is contingent on online approval. As adults we may clearly see that needing to constantly be validated by likes and comments is both exhausting and if it happened a few times, it is impossible to sustain. Even when we temporarily feel content due to receiving this type of online validation, in my experience working with teens, it sooner or later leaves them feeling a void. Navigating this paradox requires a delicate balance between fostering healthy online interactions and nurturing a strong sense of self beyond the digital world.

“”why fit in if you were born to stand out?””

— Dr. Seuss

The Dangers of Social Alienation

Social alienation remains a pervasive issue among today's teens, manifesting in feelings of isolation and disconnectedness. The pressures to conform to societal expectations, coupled with the fear of being judged, can lead to a sense of profound loneliness. As a psychodynamic therapist, I explore the roots of these feelings, helping teens process the many layers of their experiences and fostering a deeper connection to themselves first via the deeper understanding of their own emotions.

Addressing social alienation involves creating a safe space where teens can openly express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. From the lens of an attachment-based approach, I work collaboratively with my patients to build secure emotional connections, promoting a sense of belonging and acceptance that extends beyond societal standards.

Bullying and its Lingering Impact

Bullying, whether in person or online, remains a pervasive issue affecting the mental health of countless teens. The scars left by bullying can extend far beyond the immediate experience, contributing to long-lasting emotional trauma. In my practice, I have encountered many teens who carry the weight of past bullying experiences many years later, affecting their self-esteem, trust in others, and overall well-being.

Existential psychotherapy provides an avenue to work with teens in exploring the impact of these traumatic experiences on their sense of self and identity. Through a collaborative process, we work towards reclaiming a sense of agency and empowerment, helping them overcome the lingering effects of bullying and fostering resilience.

The Pressure to Succeed

The relentless pursuit of success, often fueled by societal expectations and parental pressures, is a significant source of stress for today's teens. The fear of falling short in academic, extracurricular, or personal endeavors can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, and a constant sense of inadequacy. In my work as a therapist, I strive to create a supportive environment where teens can explore their own values and aspirations, separate from external expectations.

Existential psychotherapy provides a framework for teens to examine the meaning and purpose they seek in their lives. By encouraging them to explore their authentic selves and values, I help them navigate the delicate balance between personal fulfillment and societal expectations, empowering them to define success on their terms.

Cultivating Hope in the Face of Despair

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of my work involves helping teens who, in the face of overwhelming struggles, find themselves questioning the desire to go on. In such moments, psychodynamic therapy becomes a lifeline, offering a space for teens to explore the depths of their despair and find meaning in their pain.

Addressing trauma, loss, and existential questions requires a nuanced and compassionate approach. By integrating psychodynamic and existential principles, I support teens through a process of self-discovery, helping them uncover the resilience within themselves. Attachment-based therapy further reinforces the importance of supportive relationships, providing a foundation for healing and growth.

There is no doubt that the struggles faced by today's teens are multifaceted. As a psychodynamic, existential, and attachment-based psychotherapist, my commitment lies in providing a safe and empathetic space for teens to navigate these challenges. By addressing the impact of social media, social alienation, bullying, and the pressure to succeed, I aim to empower teens to overcome adversity and cultivate a sense of hope and purpose in their lives. Together, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and healing, fostering a foundation for a brighter and more fulfilling future.

If you have been feeling in any of the ways that I described above, or perhaps you are a parent looking for support and guidance for your teen, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Rooting for all teens and trusting their potential,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

and in the midst of it all, I lost myself..

Have you ever felt this way?

kind of having lost direction and purpose for a while? if so, you are not alone.

I have often heard a version of this story—

You have worked hard over the years at whatever was in front of you. You did the studying, or fulfilled the work responsibilities. If you work outside the home, you were a diligent employee. You did the extra mile. You were trustworthy and reliable. You had so many dreams that as you grew and evolved professionally you would also feel more whole, more satisfied, more fulfilled in life in general.

With adulthood came growing responsibilities that you often embraced and did your best job navigating. Some of you navigated romantic relationships, maybe marriage, and even kids. Your world is full. Full of life, full of tasks and responsibilities that you are ok with yet sometimes wish things could slow down a bit so that you could reconnect with yourself, and maybe figure out what is missing.

Under all external standards, you are a success.

You have done well for yourself and a part of you is satisfied and even proud of that. Yet there is another part of you that over the years have felt a growing void, a lack of clear purpose, a blur in response to the question, ‘Where do I go from here?’

With so many responsibilities and things that need to get done every day, there is hardly any time to sit and make a space for what you deep down are experiencing. Or what you may be needing.

As we evolve as adults, and see decades go by, what we need to feel fulfilled also may change. Yet too often we continue forward with the same routines, same activities, same lifestyle, similar goals and what initially was a “small void” that from time to time we felt becomes stronger and bigger.

For those of you who are parents, I know it may be easier and more acceptable to spend time and money in our kids than in ourselves. Sometimes we feel we already had “our chance.” We already were “young” and had our time to figure out things. Now it is their turn. And we want to support them, investing our time and money in them.

As a psychologist who works with teens and adults (and love my work with both), I wholeheartedly appreciate and know that our children, be it younger kids or teens, need our presence, our support, our emotional containment. I 100 percent support that.

I also know that, if we as parents are starting to feel drained, depleted, even a bit lost in terms of what direction our lives are going, that that also deserves to be attended to.

Not only because we as individuals, regardless whether we are parents or not, deserve time and attention to figure out whatever may be impacting us emotionally.

But also because if we are parents, the better that we feel ourselves, the best parenting we can provide. The more present that we can be with our children. The more emotionally available we can be.

It makes sense, right?

If we are preoccupied with our own dissatisfaction or with our past unresolved experiences that need attention and healing, the less emotional space we are going to have to support our children in their path.

Feeling a lack of clarity, purpose, and meaning in life as years go by is not uncommon. Perhaps what kept us busy and engaged earlier on in our life, let’s say during our 20s or even 30s is not the same we need later on to fill fulfilled and truly alive.

Yet this does not need to be the “new normal” for you.

You do not have to settle into believing that this is just how life is going be from now on. Struggling to find some motivation, more energy, or some excitement as you see others around you seemingly “thrive.”

You sure are living proof that, for some of us, fulfillment in our “roles,” such as the role of a parent, or of the employee, or really any role that we may have in our lives, personally or professionally, does not automatically mean we are going to be genuinely fulfilled and connected with our purpose.

The quest for making meaning out of our own life situations is present at our core. We may feel this compelling desire to figure out what will facilitate a sense of peace and fulfillment in this particular stage of our life. Sometimes we deny it to ourselves because we do not feel we are worth it, or we doubt that we deserve to deliberately invest in our own growth or process.

This famous quote from Socrates captures what I am referring to here—

““The unexamined life is not worth living” ”

— Socrates

And even though it feels pretty strong the “not worth living” part, I have to say I identify with the profound benefits of setting some time aside to “examine” our lives and ourselves vis-à-vis our own life, which the process that unfolds in therapy.

My patients tell me they often feel guilt or even a sense of selfishness at the idea of carving out time and investing money in figuring out what is not working for them. All these feelings, when given the time and attention, may fall into place, and a new kind of understanding may emerge during the therapeutic process.

An understanding that may allow you, over time, to be more of the “author” of your own life, as opposed as being “only” the main character.

If you have been feeling in the ways that I described above, perhaps lacking the motivation that used to characterize you, perhaps feeling down or drained, perhaps constantly tired, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you fulfillment and inner peace,

Dr. P

You can learn more about my work with depression at drperolini.com/depression-counseling

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

In the face of overwhelming pain.. and NOT knowing what to do.. cutting became an option

Overwhelmed, confused, and feeling SO alone. You did not know what else to do. How to possibly contain the emotional pain you were feeling? The suffering. The downward spiral set of events that have been happening in your life and that feel so much out of your control.

If you have engaged in any type of self-harm in the past, such as cutting, burning, punching yourself (or things, such as a wall), you know the world at large does not “get” this behavior.  People, including loving family members and friends, if they were to find out, may seem perplexed at a behavior that may seem counterintuitive, confusing, and paradoxical. Definitely at odds –-to the world at large-- with helping anyone feel better.

But you know this is not the case. You have perhaps felt the instant relief or numbness that tends to come with the act of cutting. It seems to numb —even if for a short period of time— the emotional pain you may be experiencing. If people around you know you engage in self-harming behaviors, you probably have been asked whether you feel any physical pain when you do it.

For many teens and young adults who cut, the “trade off” between the sharp relief from emotional pain at the time of cutting (or other self-harming behaviors) and the minor physical discomfort associated with the cutting itself seems to be “worth it”. There is a silence and a stillness, a sense of increased control and for a brief moment troubles fall into the background. They are not the front and center, hurtful reality we may experience otherwise. Perhaps paradoxically, self-injury seems to bring about a sense of calmness in the midst of the chaos that may be so prevalent in our inner world.

If you are like most individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors, you either haven’t told anyone, or have trusted this very personal area of yourself to very few people. And of course. It seems like too much risk, too much vulnerability inherent in disclosing such an intimate part of your experience. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults who have chosen to disclose this behavior to others, have encountered judgment, well-reasoned, rational explanations for why this behavior does not make sense, and usually an invitation or a strong encouragement to stop it.  Some well-meaning others may be very concerned or even panic in the face of learning about self-harming behaviors, as they may equate self-injury with a desire to die. Yet you know that this tends not to be the case. It is not death that you are after. What you, and so many others want, is relief from overwhelming psychic pain that at times feels uncontainable, overwhelming, and insurmountable.

So you are no stranger to misunderstanding and judgment about what this behavior may mean. You may feel stuck in a cycle. Perhaps you have tried to leave this behavior in the past, but it has been extremely hard. You seem to resort to it when things get to be “too much” to deal with or contain. After all, it does provide some relief, even if it is short-lived.

But perhaps you have dreamed of more than short-lived relief of psychic pain. Perhaps at times you have dreamed of a life in which the pain was more bearable, you felt less alone, and more contained. A life in which you had the space to process any pain (or any feelings, really) that needed to be held, perhaps put into words, and integrated into the narrative of your life.

I would like to think that this life that you envisioned is possible

Wherever you are in the path of self-injury, please know you do not have to keep walking this path alone. This path in which you do not feel understood, you often feel judged, and you yourself may not even fully understand what makes this behavior so powerful, in the moment. It makes sense that you feel this way. Self-injury is a very complex behavior, usually difficult to understand and make sense of it for most people.

If you engage in any type of self-injury, it is likely that you have experienced the “other side” of this behavior as well. And what I mean by this is that relief and numbness are  generally not the only feeling associated with this behavior, right? For most people, there are significant doses of shame, guilt, confusion, and frustration revolving around this behavior, its causes, its potential implications, and its ramifications. In other words, the momentary relief you may experience at the time of cutting (or of any other self-injurious behavior) takes a toll. It comes with a cost. A high price attached to it.  It may become a habit. And we may even have a very difficult time finding ways to NOT engage in this behavior even when we decide we may want to rely on alternative coping mechanisms.

If you read up to this point, you probably know if I am describing a cycle of feelings and events that you experience. Perhaps a part of you would really want to take a better look at this cycle to gain a more in-depth understanding of its origins, functions, and purpose. Perhaps it is hard to imagine life without cutting… yet a part of you is curious of how would life be like if that had not become your go-to way to manage huge amounts of distress and tension. You know first hand how it feels like to experience pressures, and, perhaps you even felt that cutting had allowed you to “keep it together.”

I find this quote by Robert Frost to be so incredibly powerful--

““The only way out is through””

If there is even a very small part of you that is curious about yourself, your experiences, including your experience of self-injury, and you are up to trying out a space in which your needs always take precedence and there is no judgment about you, your experiences, or anything else that you may choose to bring up, feel free to reach out.

Even after you reach out for the first time, you are always in control regarding whether you want to engage in the process of therapy, for how long, and the pace at which therapy unfold. Greater emotional freedom is one outcome that many therapy patients have expressed they have experienced as a result working in therapy with a clinician who was a good fit for them.

Taking the first step is the most difficult. It takes a lot of courage. If we realize we are a good fit for each other, and you want to start therapy, I offer you my commitment to work together toward the life you would like to create for yourself. If we realize we are not a good fit, I will do my best to help you connect with a clinician that may be a better fit for your specific needs. My goal is to support you in your path toward the life that you desire. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and freedom,

Dr. Claudia Perolini

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Is therapy for ME?

Being a therapist, I often have the privilege of being trusted with significant questions people have. Usually is not an answer from me what, deep down, they are looking for. It is more about making a space in which we can, together, take a closer look at whatever is going on in their inner worlds. At times people look at me, pain in their eyes, and directly ask:

“Is therapy for ME?”

I don’t always have a definitive answer for this powerful and very personal question, yet I try my best to share my views on therapy in the hopes that this aids people in making their own informed decisions. I share that, in my view, therapy tends to be hard work and thus requires a significant commitment to the process, or journey, that therapy entails. One one level, we can speak about therapy as representing both a time and a financial commitment. And, as significant as these are, therapy offers a gentle yet powerful invitation to commit at an even deeper level: to commit to one’s own personal growth, to our own self-knowledge, to working on ourselves to become the authors of the meaningful life we intend to create. More often than not, the type of therapy I practice requires some willingness to feel the pain we have been carrying with us. At times painful, at times joyful. A process. Work. Patience. Trust. Commitment. Investment. Relationship. Vulnerability. Indeed a humbling experience for both patient and therapist. 

I have noticed that, oftentimes, we are more open to the process of therapy when we have suffered “enough”... and this makes a lot of sense. It does makes sense to try other avenues before giving therapy a try. We may try to look for answers in self-help books, or we may be inclined to "google" solutions to our problems, confide in friends or family members, or trust that our connection with our Source, Nature, the Universe, or God (whatever our beliefs may be) could help us ease the pain, sadness, anxiety, or any other set of feelings or circumstances that we feel need to addressed (given that our secret desire of them going away by themselves overnight did not really work).

So, no quick/ simple answers to this apparently simple question of whether therapy is the appropriate avenue to address the pain we are experiencing in our lives. I even share with my patients (or prospective patients) that --in my view--there are no quick fixes or easy answers to the very real challenges life presents us with. 

But why? Isn’t there something that I can do? A strategy, a tool that I can apply that would help me get rid of (you name it), the anxiety, the sadness, the memories, the pain, or the anger?  

Well, different approaches to therapy would answer this differently. Yes, I would say that there is a place in which something that we come to know about or experience in therapy helps us through difficult times. Most often, in my experience, it is the context of the therapeutic experience and the impact it has on our core being that allows for something new to emerge, be it in the form of a thought, a feeling, a stance, a narrative, a perspective, increased hope, or renewed confidence in ourselves and the possibilities that await for us.  So, I believe therapy offers much more than the opportunity to learn specific tools, although that may be, for some, part of the process. The journey of therapy allows for an encounter with the core of who we are, and thus it requires a certain degree of openness, curiosity, and trust, and, more often than not, the feeling that we have had "enough."

That being said...

If you feel you can benefit from support in navigating strong, difficult emotions, such as loneliness, anxiety, sadness, or grief, OR would "just" like to have a space to BE and process what is going on in your life, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you fulfillment and inner peace,

Dr. P

 

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

Don't be so quick to swallow that pill

I am amazed at how often friends, family members, or just acquaintances share with me during everyday conversation that they have been prescribed some kind of medication to address their symptoms of anxiety or depression, grief, or trauma.

I have been in awe—

At times, I had inquired if, when having a conversation with the prescriber (usually either their primary care doctor, or a specialist, such as an OBGYN) about the available alternatives to address the symptoms that they were experiencing the doctors had also discussed the option starting therapy. More often than not, the answer I got was “No.”

Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for the medical profession and I know that medication has a place in helping people with their emotional well-being.  I am, however, puzzled about how often I hear that there is not even a conversation around the multiple ways in which these symptoms may be addressed.

I fully understand that taking medication or working through a particular set of symptoms in therapy (or on your own, for that matter) are different routes, all with their advantages and potential drawbacks. And we know they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, research does show that for certain sets of symptoms, depending upon the type and the severity, a combination of medication and therapy may be the treatment of choice.

I am all for people making their own decisions about how they want to address their psychological pain.  I would just love to see more conversations around the option of pursuing therapy to address symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to severe anxiety or depression, either alone or in conjunction with medication. 

You may be thinking—well, of course you would advocate for therapy-- you are a psychologist!—and, yes, you are absolutely right :)

At the same time, my views and beliefs are rooted in my own experience as a clinician and that of so many colleagues who so often have the privilege of bearing witness of the benefits that therapy can bring about. Formal research has also backed up the experience that us as clinicians have individually in our offices-- Therapy has been shown to be effective in addressing a very wide of psychological symptoms or conditions (1, 2). Being in this field and having worked with many people who have been able to effectively work through their grief, anxiety, sadness, or depression, (just to name a few of the most common issues that people seek therapy for) by the means of being engaged in therapy makes me both confident and hopeful that therapy can go a long way in helping people achieve and maintain a sense of emotional balance and harmony in their lives. 

In an effort to speak about therapy in a more tangible way, I outlined below 7 key potential benefits that therapy can bring about—these are just some of the benefits that patients can experience when they are engaged and committed to their own therapy:

1.     A sense of confidence and trust in themselves and in their ability to work through and, to different degrees, “master” symptoms or situations that they initially thought were extremely difficult, or even impossible to manage.

2.     Additional emotional resources in terms of coping with the challenges that life presents us with. Are there alternative ways of perceiving what is happening right now? Can I think of ways in which I may respond that would lead (eventually) to outcomes that are more aligned with what I want for myself? The therapist may or may not ask these questions directly, but the work, in and of itself, often triggers reflection on questions that are similar to the ones mentioned above.

3.     Additional coping skills: you may learn about mindfulness practices, or relaxation training, or about the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, or specific strategies aimed at managing symptoms, as well as ways in which these practices/ strategies can be incorporated in your daily life.

4.     For those who have had the burden of keeping a “secret,” that is, of having had experiences that they have not been able to talk to anyone about, the relief of feeling that you can, in a safe place, start to put words to these experiences can have a significant positive impact in your well-being.

5.     Patients often learn to be in contact with painful feelings, or uncomfortable emotions, and still be present—this is key for our emotional well-being—to learn how to sit with pain and not avoid it. And we do know avoidance fuels so many psychological symptoms.

6.     Patients often learn, through the process of therapy, to contain their most difficult emotions, and, as a result, these emotions tend to become less overwhelming, less daunting, less debilitating and less scary. Patients tend to become more confident in their ability to manage these emotions inside and eventually outside of the therapy room.

7.     Patients have the opportunity to develop a close relationship with an attuned other (therapist)—and how important this relationship can be!  Many patients/ clients have not had a close emotionally attuned person in their lives.  That does not mean that people have not loved them. Loving someone and being able to be attuned to them are different things.  Having the steady presence of a caring, attuned, emotionally present therapist, within the context of the therapeutic relationship, can help us modulate and regulate our emotions so that they become less stressful and frightening, and overall less powerful.

I can probably go on :)

I want to end by thanking you, the reader, for “hearing” this voice who really wants to share with the world the multiple benefits that therapy may bring about.

It is also true that in therapy there are potential “risks” as well, such as the risk that therapy may not be as effective as you thought it would be, or that it would take longer than expected, or that strong emotions that were not present at the time of starting therapy emerge as therapy unfolds.

While these are all true, there are also ways to minimize these risks—in my experience taking your time when looking for a therapist, investing time in learning about the therapists you are considering—carefully reading their websites, learning about them in other places (i.e, do they have a blog or a Facebook page?), and eventually meeting in person to see how you feel with them in the therapy room, are all key ways to maximize the chances of choosing a therapist that would be a good fit for you.

Another common objection I hear about therapy goes something like this: “But therapy takes time and money!” And it is true—therapy is an investment in your own (or your child’s) emotional well-being, and we will likely only give it a chance if we believe that the potential benefits are more valuable than its “risks.”

I could share my views on this and say that therapy can be one of the best investments that one can make as measured by the the emotional wellness that it can bring about both for the patient and for his/ her loved ones and the future pain that it can help to prevent in areas such as relationships, work, and even physical health. But we need to see for ourselves. 

If you are even a tad more open to considering therapy as an avenue for personal growth or to address the psychological pain you may be experiencing, I consider my intentions in writing this blog post completely fulfilled.

A pill can help you manage painful symptoms—but my wish for you is even more encompassing—that you can come out of this process strengthened and more confident, more hopeful and more at peace with yourself and with the world. 

To your well being,

Claudia

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

 You can learn more about my work with anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and in the area of depression at drperolini.com/depression-counseling

References

(1)Seligman, M.E.P. (1995)  The Effectiveness of psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 50, 965–974. Retrieved from https://sites.google.com/site/dpelcovitz/psychotherapyeffectiveness.doc

(2) Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy.  American Psychologist, 65, 98-109. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-65-2-98.pdf

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in Weston, Florida. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

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Why do we “pass on” our own unresolved issues to our children (even when we try not to do so)

I believe it is safe to say that many of us have areas of “unresolved” issues—perhaps we had experiences during childhood or adolescence that were traumatic, difficult, painful, or otherwise challenging that we haven’t had the opportunity to sufficiently resolve. And I use the word “sufficiently” deliberately since being able to overcome or transcend traumatic (or otherwise challenging) experiences, even if partially, can go a long way in preventing or minimizing the subsequent transmission of “trauma” (that is, our own vulnerabilities, fears, worries, and concerns) to our next generation.

Trauma is, indeed, a vast field.  When I speak about trauma in this context I do so broadly, including in my understanding any/ all of the following:

- Single blow trauma, which refers to the experience of a one-time shocking incident, such as natural disasters (earthquakes, floods), technological disasters (car, plan crashes), and criminal violence (robbery, rape, homicide). Even when not a direct victim of these incidents, witnessing these events can also have long lasting adverse consequences. 

- Chronic trauma, which refers to the exposure to repeated and prolonged traumatic experiences that span over months or years. Examples are exposure to combat, war, and domestic violence.

- Complex trauma, which refers to the experience of multiple, and/or chronic adverse traumatic events, usually of an interpersonal nature, which start early in life. Examples include growing up in invalidating environments--that is, in environments where caregivers continually question or challenge the foundation of children’s feelings—as well as child abuse of all types (physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect).

A common response to trauma is the fragmentation or compartmentalization of the traumatic experience. In that way, the traumatic experience remains unintegrated; in other words, it is not incorporated into the ongoing, unfolding narrative of our life. This fragmentation is potentially dangerous, as distressing, unintegrated memories can severely impact our ability to achieve and maintain a state of well-being, peace, and harmony within ourselves and others.

Fragmented aspects of ourselves that do not have the opportunity to be expressed, reflected upon, and made sense in the context of a safe relationship tend to contribute to a feeling of discomfort and uneasiness with ourselves as well as a sense of alienation and disconnection from others. It seems that it is much more difficult to accept and love ourselves when simultaneously having to keep parts of ourselves separate (fragmented/ compartmentalized) from our sense of self. It is often only after we can embrace/ tolerate/ withstand the whole of our experiences that we can begin to feel more whole again.

As classic analysts pointed out—what we don’t remember we are bound to repeat (1).  And one way to make sense of this is the following—when we do not have a safe space to work through (reflect upon, experience, intentionally “remember,” and eventually integrate) our traumatic experiences, we are much more likely to find ourselves or to experience ourselves in ways that are similar to the original ways in which we were damaged or hurt.

One way this “repetition” of difficult childhood experiences can unfold is through inadvertently passing them on to our children. Most likely, if it were a conscious choice, no one would pass on to their kids their own vulnerabilities and pains. We so badly want to equip them with the emotional resources that they will need to thrive and enjoy what life has to offer. Yet, inadvertently we do.  Without knowing, and without wanting, and perhaps without ever speaking a word about our troubles, we pass on our anxieties, our despair, our disillusionment, our anger, our grief, and a host of other emotions that are hard to experience on an ongoing basis.

I wholeheartedly believe that the vast majority (if not all) parents wouldn’t deliberately pass on the pain that they have endured. Not at all. The issue with this mechanism is that --when traumatic experiences have not been sufficiently worked through—this process happens without conscious awareness. It happens, for example, through us parents not being able to be emotionally present and engaged with our children as we are still, in some way, preoccupied with our own past (which is very much alive in the present), or we may (unconsciously) have mixed emotions about the fact that our children are having a better upbringing than the one we experienced and thus inadvertently deprive them of this possibility. Or, on the other hand, we may have been traumatized for not having fulfilled our own parents’ expectations, and thus are now over-invested in our kids fulfilling the high expectations that we set up for them, taking away their opportunity to navigate age-appropriate challenges without the burden that we are unintentionally placing on them.

What is to be done, then, if so many of us have endured some type of painful early experience?

You may have heard one of my favorite quotes, by Robert Frost, that says:

““The best way out is always through.””

This is where being engaged in therapy becomes so incredibly meaningful. 

The process of therapy certainly has the potential to help us re-integrate fragmented aspects of ourselves and come out of it feeling more whole, emotionally stronger, and more in harmony with ourselves and our lives. That being said, I fully appreciate that therapy is a commitment to your own well being that can feel arduous, even overwhelming, at times. And that a lot of us feel some trepidation when thinking about embarking in this unique endeavor.

However...

..it is comforting to know that when you find a therapist that helps you feel safe, cared for, and understood, the therapeutic process can become one of the most rewarding experiences one can have, and one of the best investments as well. We only have one shot at life and when we realize that, given our experiences, we can benefit from cultivating a healing relationship of this nature, the earlier we can be engaged in this process, the less heartache and the more freedom and peace we will likely experience (and pass on) to our kids as a result. 

If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, or if you are looking to work on yourself with the aim of being more free and less burdened by the difficulties you endured in the past, I am here to help. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,

Dr. Claudia Perolini  

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

 You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at https://drperolini.com/teen-counseling

References

(1) Freud, Sigmund. (1914).Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through. Retrieved from

http://www.history.ucsb.edu/faculty/marcuse/classes/201/articles/1914FreudRemembering.pdf

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

 

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ATTACHMENT 101: The powerful impact of early relationships in shaping our kids’ emotional states

Most of us have probably heard at least once about the power of early relationships in molding our personality, impacting our sense of self, and shaping our life experience.

Learning for the first time about the powerful research on this topic both fascinated me and blew me away. It turns out that our brains are both structurally and functionally impacted by our first relationships (1).

But what does this mean, exactly?

Well, simply put, research has supported time and time again that our main attachment relationships can have a long-lasting impact in our budding, vulnerable minds and bodies (2).  I purposefully say minds and bodies (and not only minds) as our current understanding in the fields of medicine and psychology clearly posits that mind and body are deeply interconnected and that there is no real division between the two.

If you are a parent, you may feel a mix of (extra) pressure and an even greater sense responsibility the more you learn about how what you do (and who you are) impacts your children. For example, you may be astounded by the extent of your influence in matters related to how your children feel about themselves, manage their emotions, and respond to the pressures or demands that they will inevitably face as they continue to grow, mature, and develop.

I recently came across a powerful quote by Brene Brown that beautifully captures this idea. It posed the question: “Are you the adult that you want your child to become?” Such a gentle yet compelling invitation to reflect on our own behavior as parents or caretakers.

But believe me, this article is not intended to make you feel as if you have one more (huge) extra responsibility over your shoulders nor to scare you by letting you know the many things that can go wrong when we, as parents, make “mistakes.”  

My purpose is, in fact, quite different. 

I come from a stance that most parents are doing the best they know how to, with the emotional and practical resources that are available to them.  Wouldn’t you say this is accurate in the vast majority of cases? I certainly want to think that most parents are out there, every single day, trying their best for their kids, even in the face of obstacles, challenges, setbacks, and, at times, even despair as to how to do “the most important job in the world” (for which, as we know, we receive little or no training).

My hope through this short article is to share with you how powerful your loving, attentive, consistent and caring presence can be. You don’t need money or tons of free time to make this happen. But you do need one thing—the conviction that what you do has the potential to have a long lasting impact in your child’s emotional (and even physical) well-being.  Of course this statement, if we believe in it, has the potential to instill some doubt or even fear in us, parents, BUT it can also help us feel empowered, hopeful, and inspired. After all, most of us want to have a positive, long lasting impact and perhaps even leave a legacy in the form of children that grow up to be happy/ confident/ responsible/ caring members of society.

An interesting and very influential concept that relates to this topic is Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough” mother (3) (and by mother here we understand mother/ father/ primary caretaker). Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined this term to refer to the idea that you "only" need to be “good enough” for your children.

He postulated that a key role for the good-enough mother is to adapt to her baby’s needs, which evolve and change as the baby grows and develops. In this way, children will likely feel a sense of control over their environment as they develop at their own pace.  Ideally, the mother continues to adapt to the baby/infant/toddler’s changing needs all along, as children grow, learn, and become more autonomous.

Interestingly, Winnicott went on to explain that children in the long run will actually benefit when their mothers (or main caretakers) “fail” them in ways they can tolerate (this, of course, does not include failures that would endanger their physical or emotional well-being). This term also points out the impossibility of being perfectly attuned to our children 100 percent of the time. Winnicott even posited that, this level of attunement is not only an impossibility, but also would likely be detrimental to a baby as he or she will miss the opportunity to learn to be disappointed in ways that he or she will be able to manage and recover from.

I have felt drawn to this concept since I learned about it, as I think it presents in a simple, straightforward, yet very powerful way a realistic picture of what we, mothers and fathers (or primary caregivers) of children can do for those we care for. And it is so important because having unrealistic expectations such as feeling the need to be “always” present (physically and/or emotionally), or of “always” having the appropriate words and reactions is not only unattainable but even (if it were to be possible) undesirable (4). It is comforting to know that being “good-enough” is what our children need to feel safe, emotionally connected, and cared for, and that our “humanness” is also paving the way for them to gradually learn that the world will often not respond in the ways they would want or request. It is in the process of being “disappointed” in developmentally appropriate ways and in a context in which they still feel the love, interest, care, and commitment of their parents or caregivers, that children are more able to withstand the “blow” of their desires or requests not being granted.

It is likely that most of us, even with all of our love and desire to do and be our best for our kids, will at one time or another do or say something that we may regret. The next time this happens, instead of beating yourself up for the way you just reacted, try being kinder with yourself--perhaps you even remember the following two key ideas :

Children are more resilient than we often give them credit for. And by resilience we mean their capacity to adapt, withstand, and “recover” in the face of setbacks, challenges, or difficult life experiences;

AND

Relationships, even when ruptured (and I know this is kind of a strong word) can be repaired, and sometimes, when we handle these matters skillfully our relationship with our children can be strengthened after an episode of mis-attunement and re-attunement.

As you can probably tell by now, my intention is neither to create extra pressure nor to take your children’s emotional well-being lightly.  I believe most of you would agree that one of the best gifts we can give our children is to equip them with the resources that they will need to live an authentic, enjoyable, productive life. What a privilege we have as parents to impact and shape our children’s inner worlds so profoundly. . . Not a small task by any extent of the imagination.

If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, whether you are a new parent or an experienced one, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,

Dr. Perolini

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

You can learn more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.

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Sources and further reading

1 Schore, A.N. (1994). Affect regulations and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

2 Sroufe, L.A. (1983). Infant-caregiver attachment and patterns of adaptation in preschool: The roots of maladaptation and competence. In M. Perlmutter (Ed.), Minnesota Symposium in Child Psychology (Vol. 16, pp, 41-83). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

3 Winnicott, D.W. (1971). Playing and Reality.  UK: Tavistock Publications.

4 . Winnicott D.W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena-- A study of the first not-me possession. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34(2), 89–97. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don’t tell me to be happy

Virtually all of us have been there at some point in our life.

It went something like this--  You were feeling sad, upset, anxious, or overwhelmed and upon noticing this a well-meaning family member or friend has innocently told you some variety of: “You know, you have X, Y, and Z, just be happy!” Or, “You know, look at the bright side of things, there is so much to be grateful for, just relax and everything will change for the better”, or, (one of my favorites), “Don’t be anxious, everything is going to be ok.” Etc, etc, etc. You probably can fill in the blanks with one version of the many that well-meaning people say to try to “take away” a difficult emotion we may be having, with the intention of making us feel better.  And probably also because it is hard for most of us to witness and connect with the pain (anxiety, sadness, grief, anger) of someone else.

At the beginning I couldn’t really pinpoint why these comments were SO ineffective. For me, being told to relax NEVER NEVER NEVER worked, and after some time, I would even (sadly) chuckle inside while I wondered if people really thought that being told to feel differently was ever helpful. I could tell people were “just trying to help” me but it surprised me that comments from smart people with great intentions could be so off-target and ineffective. Worse yet, over time these comments tend to create emotional distance between the people involved because, in that moment, one often feels misunderstood and rushed to feel differently, which does nothing to help contain or soften the pain one may be experiencing.

Why does this happen? ... I wondered.  This is a twofold question—why are others eager to move away from what I am currently feeling and strongly suggest that I “feel better” now? AND, Why cant I??

Well, I have to admit that it took me some time and some training to (somewhat) figure it out. 

I think most of us would agree that being able to “calm down” (don’t you just love when people tell you that?) just by being reminded to do so would be great.  However, for most of us it just does not work that way. When we are in the midst of feeling strong emotions, be it anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, grief, or any other difficult feeling, it is very hard to go from that type of feeling to a very different one, such as happiness, joy, tranquility or peace.  It is not impossible, but both in my personal and professional experience as a psychologist, it is pretty rare. Unless we are experienced meditators, for example, or have consistent experience in some other practice/ discipline in which we have devoted time (when we were NOT in the midst of strong emotions) to learn how to access a pathway that would allow us to regulate and modulate our emotions in relatively short periods of time, it is seldom the case that we can move from one extreme to the other in terms of emotions. For most of us, it is just hard to “jump” from one emotion to another very different one (such as from extremely anxious to peaceful) rather quickly, even when provided with an abundance of convincing evidence.  

It is also true that it is hard to have anything sink in emotionally or cognitively when we are in the midst of very strong emotions. Have you noticed this? Try learning a few, otherwise straightforward facts, or to focus on an important task when you are very sad, homesick, anxious, or overwhelmed. It seems that our emotional and cognitive “space” is already “taxed” or “being used by” these other emotions and we just can’t take in new information. But the truth (for most of us, anyway) is that even when not in the middle of strong emotions, being suggested to feel differently is not always well received by our hearts, who first need connection, understanding, and validation before anything else. In my experience, it is almost always after we feel some degree of empathy that intense emotions can find their way to a more manageable state, for example, that of feeling more in control and more balanced.

This is perhaps why I love the quote that says “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation” by Frieda Fromm- Reichmann.  Patient or not patient I think we all rather feel understood and connected at an emotional level, than being explained or told how we should be feeling differently/ better.

So, the next time you are told by well-meaning others about how “you have so many reasons to be happy!” or encouraged to “look at the bright side of things” and you are just not feeling it, know that it makes sense.  This is often not what we need.  Feeling understood, connected, validated, and empathized with is the first step, almost always. Sometimes an honest, caring gaze or a sign of kindness can go a long way to make us feel we are not alone.  There is no point, when we are not ready, to “push” ourselves to a different feeling state. I believe it is mainly through making space for all our feelings (both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones, or at least the unpleasant ones that seem to not be going away) that we may gradually move gracefully through our emotions, learn to be compassionate with ourselves, and eventually feel more grounded, more in control, and more at peace.

My most influential teacher taught me much through his words, but nothing close to his caring gaze to teach me what healing is all about. I, in turn, made it my purpose to provide to my patients a space where HEALING can unfold and BEING can thrive.

If you feel you can benefit from support navigating strong, difficult emotions, such as loneliness, anxiety, sadness, or grief, I am here to help.  You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit.  I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and success, in whatever your endeavors in life may be,

Dr. P

 You can learn more about my work in the area of anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and about my work in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.  

Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.