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What if I Don’t Feel Thankful This Year?

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What if I Don’t Feel Thankful This Year?

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of gathering and gratitude—a beautiful sentiment if we feel we have reasons to be thankful or can access that emotional state. I know some people say, “There’s always something to be grateful for,” and while that may be true, gratitude can often feel subjective. It really depends on the eyes of the beholder.

If I had experienced a significant loss, for instance, gratitude might not feel very accessible. That’s an extreme example, but we all endure our fair share of pain in life—grief, loss, illness, missed opportunities, divorce, accidents, or even drifting away from people we once held dear. For some, Thanksgiving might even highlight what’s missing. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay if gratitude doesn’t come easily this holiday season. Or if it does not come at all.

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The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

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The Growing Pressure for Teens to Engage in Sexual Activity During the Early High School Years

One trend that came up clearly over the years is that many teenagers feel increasing pressure to engage in sexual activity earlier in their high school years. This pressure often comes from peers, sometimes friends, media, and/ or from a desire to meet perceived expectations from other people their age. While this can impact all teens, it’s especially challenging for young women, who may feel the weight of these pressures more strongly and often share with me that they “first time” was far from what they’d imagined.

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When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

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When apologies are experienced as “too little, too late”

In her book The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller delves into the deep emotional wounds children can suffer when their emotional needs go unmet, especially when parents or caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement and validation crucial during formative years. Miller points out that apologies from parents or caregivers—often offered long after the damage is done—can sometimes feel like "too little, too late."

 

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Feeling Invisible: A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Rediscovering Our Worth

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Feeling Invisible: A Journey Through Pain, Healing, and Rediscovering Our Worth

There’s a deep and painful emotional experience that can leave someone feeling like they don’t truly exist—the feeling of invisibility. It’s a feeling that arises when others seem to look right through us, as if our presence is inconsequential, unnoticed. We painfully observe how those around us acknowledge others with a word, a gesture, or even a glance, while we remain unrecognized. This experience can be crushing. A part of us might wish to disappear entirely, to retreat to a safe space, away from the embarrassment and rejection. Deep down, the question forms: Why am I not worth being acknowledged? And often, this leads to an even more painful self-inquiry: What is wrong with me?

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Navigating the Stormy Seas of Parenting Teens

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Navigating the Stormy Seas of Parenting Teens

Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating stormy seas. The once sweet, cooperative child you knew has morphed into a distant, secretive, and sometimes rebellious teenager. As a psychologist who works with teens, I assure you that your feelings of frustration, confusion, and even helplessness are entirely valid. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for restoring a sense of peace to your family life.

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Helping women in their 40s and 50s navigate midlife changes

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Helping women in their 40s and 50s navigate midlife changes

Women in their 40s and 50s are often navigating a complex and transformative period in their lives. Midlife brings about significant physical changes, particularly during perimenopause, as well as emotional and cognitive shifts that can impact our overall well-being. The physical and emotional changes of perimenopause and menopause can take a toll on women’s well-being. From feeling confused and overwhelmed to, in some way, mourning the loss of the youth associated with their 20s and 30s, this period can be incredibly challenging. Periods of change such as this one provide a rich opportunity to reflect on one’s life and how we adjust and adapt to experiencing the physical and emotional changes that are part of life.

Minimizing Regrets: Navigating Life's Choices with Reflection and Therapy

Minimizing Regrets: Navigating Life's Choices with Reflection and Therapy

In the whirlwind of modern life, it's easy to get caught up in the constant motion, deadlines, and responsibilities without pausing to reflect on the path we're on. Yet, within the chaos lies a crucial question that often goes unasked until it's too late: Will the life we're living today bring a smile to our 85-year-old wrinkled face, should we be fortunate enough to reach that age?

Navigating Anxiety: A Journey of Self-Acceptance, Resiliency, and Growth

Navigating Anxiety: A Journey of Self-Acceptance, Resiliency, and Growth

Do you ever feel like your anxiety is driving you "crazy"? If your answer is “yes,” please know you are not at all alone. Many, many teens and adults experience intense waves of anxiety can make them feel like their minds and bodies are spinning out of control. Their hands may sweat, their hearts race, and they might even feel that they have a hard time breathing. These physical symptoms can be terrifying, and when they become chronic, they can turn our lives upside down.

Unveiling Complex Trauma: Its Impact on Attachment Relationships and Healing

Unveiling Complex Trauma: Its Impact on Attachment Relationships and Healing

Complex trauma refers to a pattern of enduring psychological distress resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events or experiences that deeply affect an individual's sense of self, safety, and well-being. Unlike acute trauma, which often involves a single incident, complex trauma can stem from ongoing situations such as childhood abuse, neglect, or living in environments of chronic adversity and instability. While some forms of complex trauma could be more overt and sometimes more easily identifiable, complex trauma also encompasses a broader range of experiences that are often insidious and less visible. One example of complex trauma is being repeatedly invalidated or silenced, where an individual's thoughts, feelings, or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or invalidated by others. When we experience this treatment in our innermost circle it tends to lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and powerlessness.

Embracing Anxiety: Is that even possible?

Embracing Anxiety: Is that even possible?

For adolescences the quest for a sense of belonging is both fundamental and at the core of their path during these formative years. As a psychologist working with teens, I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact that not feeling a strong sense of belonging can have on a teen's mental health. Not only their emotional well-being, but also their physical health and academic performance may be affected when teens have pervasive feelings of not belonging. Increased anxiety, depression, social isolation, and lowered self-esteem are some of the most common effects of feeling that we do not belong.

Adolescents' feelings of not belonging: what can we truly do about it?

Adolescents' feelings of not belonging: what can we truly do about it?

For adolescences the quest for a sense of belonging is both fundamental and at the core of their path during these formative years. As a psychologist working with teens, I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact that not feeling a strong sense of belonging can have on a teen's mental health. Not only their emotional well-being, but also their physical health and academic performance may be affected when teens have pervasive feelings of not belonging. Increased anxiety, depression, social isolation, and lowered self-esteem are some of the most common effects of feeling that we do not belong.

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Understanding the complex grief of losing a loved one to suicide

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Understanding the complex grief of losing a loved one to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a devastating and complex experience that leaves a lasting impact on those left behind. In my work as a psychologist, I have had the privilege of supporting patients who are grappling with the aftermath of this tragic loss. In this blog, I aim to further discuss the grieving process and the way in which therapy can support those who had endured this painful experience in their lives.

Navigating the Turbulent Waters: Understanding the Struggles Faced by Today's Teens

Navigating the Turbulent Waters: Understanding the Struggles Faced by Today's Teens

In the fast-paced and ever-evolving landscape of today's society, the challenges that teenagers encounter have become increasingly complex. As a psychologist, I have had the privilege of working closely and long term with teens facing a variety of issues – from depression and anxiety to trauma, self-injury, loss, and difficulties in interpersonal relationships. In this blog, I aim to shed light on some the main struggles teens face nowadays, such as dealing with social media, the pressures to perform they are subjected to, and the hostility so many teens encounter in the form of bullying. I emphasize the importance of working collaboratively in therapy toward understanding and making meaning of their experiences, underscoring the long-term benefits of effective therapeutic intervention.

and in the midst of it all, I lost myself..

and in the midst of it all, I lost myself..

You have worked hard over the years at whatever was in front of you. You did the studying, or fulfilled the work responsibilities. If you work outside the home, you were a diligent employee. You did the extra mile. You were trustworthy and reliable. You had so many dreams that as you grew and evolved professionally you would also feel more whole, more satisfied, more fulfilled in life in general.

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In the face of overwhelming pain.. and NOT knowing what to do.. cutting became an option

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Overwhelmed, confused, and feeling SO alone. You did not know what else to do. How to possibly contain the emotional pain you were feeling? The suffering. The downward spiral set of events that have been happening in your life and that feel so much out of your control.

If you have engaged in any type of self-harm in the past, such as cutting, burning, punching yourself (or things, such as a wall), you know the world at large does not “get” this behavior.  People, including loving family members and friends, if they were to find out, may seem perplexed at a behavior that may seem counterintuitive, confusing, and paradoxical. Definitely at odds –-to the world at large-- with helping anyone feel better.

But you know this is not the case. You have perhaps felt the instant relief or numbness that tends to come with the act of cutting. It seems to numb —even if for a short period of time— the emotional pain you may be experiencing. If people around you know you engage in self-harming behaviors, you probably have been asked whether you feel any physical pain when you do it.

For many teens and young adults who cut, the “trade off” between the sharp relief from emotional pain at the time of cutting (or other self-harming behaviors) and the minor physical discomfort associated with the cutting itself seems to be “worth it”. There is a silence and a stillness, a sense of increased control and for a brief moment troubles fall into the background. They are not the front and center, hurtful reality we may experience otherwise. Perhaps paradoxically, self-injury seems to bring about a sense of calmness in the midst of the chaos that may be so prevalent in our inner world.

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If you are like most individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors, you either haven’t told anyone, or have trusted this very personal area of yourself to very few people. And of course. It seems like too much risk, too much vulnerability inherent in disclosing such an intimate part of your experience. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults who have chosen to disclose this behavior to others, have encountered judgment, well-reasoned, rational explanations for why this behavior does not make sense, and usually an invitation or a strong encouragement to stop it.  Some well-meaning others may be very concerned or even panic in the face of learning about self-harming behaviors, as they may equate self-injury with a desire to die. Yet you know that this tends not to be the case. It is not death that you are after. What you, and so many others want, is relief from overwhelming psychic pain that at times feels uncontainable, overwhelming, and insurmountable.

So you are no stranger to misunderstanding and judgment about what this behavior may mean. You may feel stuck in a cycle. Perhaps you have tried to leave this behavior in the past, but it has been extremely hard. You seem to resort to it when things get to be “too much” to deal with or contain. After all, it does provide some relief, even if it is short-lived.

But perhaps you have dreamed of more than short-lived relief of psychic pain. Perhaps at times you have dreamed of a life in which the pain was more bearable, you felt less alone, and more contained. A life in which you had the space to process any pain (or any feelings, really) that needed to be held, perhaps put into words, and integrated into the narrative of your life.

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I would like to think that this life that you envisioned is possible

Wherever you are in the path of self-injury, please know you do not have to keep walking this path alone. This path in which you do not feel understood, you often feel judged, and you yourself may not even fully understand what makes this behavior so powerful, in the moment. It makes sense that you feel this way. Self-injury is a very complex behavior, usually difficult to understand and make sense of it for most people.

If you engage in any type of self-injury, it is likely that you have experienced the “other side” of this behavior as well. And what I mean by this is that relief and numbness are  generally not the only feeling associated with this behavior, right? For most people, there are significant doses of shame, guilt, confusion, and frustration revolving around this behavior, its causes, its potential implications, and its ramifications. In other words, the momentary relief you may experience at the time of cutting (or of any other self-injurious behavior) takes a toll. It comes with a cost. A high price attached to it.  It may become a habit. And we may even have a very difficult time finding ways to NOT engage in this behavior even when we decide we may want to rely on alternative coping mechanisms.

If you read up to this point, you probably know if I am describing a cycle of feelings and events that you experience. Perhaps a part of you would really want to take a better look at this cycle to gain a more in-depth understanding of its origins, functions, and purpose. Perhaps it is hard to imagine life without cutting… yet a part of you is curious of how would life be like if that had not become your go-to way to manage huge amounts of distress and tension. You know first hand how it feels like to experience pressures, and, perhaps you even felt that cutting had allowed you to “keep it together.”

 

I find this quote by Robert Frost to be so incredibly powerful--

““The only way out is through””

If there is even a very small part of you that is curious about yourself, your experiences, including your experience of self-injury, and you are up to trying out a space in which your needs always take precedence and there is no judgment about you, your experiences, or anything else that you may choose to bring up, feel free to reach out.

Even after you reach out for the first time, you are always in control regarding whether you want to engage in the process of therapy, for how long, and the pace at which therapy unfold. Greater emotional freedom is one outcome that many therapy patients have expressed they have experienced as a result working in therapy with a clinician who was a good fit for them.

Taking the first step is the most difficult. It takes a lot of courage. If we realize we are a good fit for each other, and you want to start therapy, I offer you my commitment to work together toward the life you would like to create for yourself. If we realize we are not a good fit, I will do my best to help you connect with a clinician that may be a better fit for your specific needs. My goal is to support you in your path toward the life that you desire. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.

Wishing you peace and freedom,

  

Dr. Claudia Perolini

You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling

Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like. 

ATTACHMENT 101: The powerful impact of early relationships in shaping our kids’ emotional states

ATTACHMENT 101: The powerful impact of early relationships in shaping our kids’ emotional states

Most of us have probably heard at least once about the power of early relationships in molding our personality, impacting our sense of self, and shaping our life experience.

Learning for the first time about the powerful research on this topic both fascinated me and blew me away. It turns out that our brains are both structurally and functionally impacted by our first relationships. But what does this mean, exactly? 

Talk to Dr. Perolini

 
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