Most of us have probably heard at least once about the power of early relationships in molding our personality, impacting our sense of self, and shaping our life experience.
Learning for the first time about the powerful research on this topic both fascinated me and blew me away. It turns out that our brains are both structurally and functionally impacted by our first relationships (1).
But what does this mean, exactly?
Well, simply put, research has supported time and time again that our main attachment relationships can have a long-lasting impact in our budding, vulnerable minds and bodies (2). I purposefully say minds and bodies (and not only minds) as our current understanding in the fields of medicine and psychology clearly posits that mind and body are deeply interconnected and that there is no real division between the two.
If you are a parent, you may feel a mix of (extra) pressure and an even greater sense responsibility the more you learn about how what you do (and who you are) impacts your children. For example, you may be astounded by the extent of your influence in matters related to how your children feel about themselves, manage their emotions, and respond to the pressures or demands that they will inevitably face as they continue to grow, mature, and develop.
I recently came across a powerful quote by Brene Brown that beautifully captures this idea. It posed the question: “Are you the adult that you want your child to become?” Such a gentle yet compelling invitation to reflect on our own behavior as parents or caretakers.
But believe me, this article is not intended to make you feel as if you have one more (huge) extra responsibility over your shoulders nor to scare you by letting you know the many things that can go wrong when we, as parents, make “mistakes.”
My purpose is, in fact, quite different.
I come from a stance that most parents are doing the best they know how to, with the emotional and practical resources that are available to them. Wouldn’t you say this is accurate in the vast majority of cases? I certainly want to think that most parents are out there, every single day, trying their best for their kids, even in the face of obstacles, challenges, setbacks, and, at times, even despair as to how to do “the most important job in the world” (for which, as we know, we receive little or no training).
My hope through this short article is to share with you how powerful your loving, attentive, consistent and caring presence can be. You don’t need money or tons of free time to make this happen. But you do need one thing—the conviction that what you do has the potential to have a long lasting impact in your child’s emotional (and even physical) well-being. Of course this statement, if we believe in it, has the potential to instill some doubt or even fear in us, parents, BUT it can also help us feel empowered, hopeful, and inspired. After all, most of us want to have a positive, long lasting impact and perhaps even leave a legacy in the form of children that grow up to be happy/ confident/ responsible/ caring members of society.
An interesting and very influential concept that relates to this topic is Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough” mother (3) (and by mother here we understand mother/ father/ primary caretaker). Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined this term to refer to the idea that you "only" need to be “good enough” for your children.
He postulated that a key role for the good-enough mother is to adapt to her baby’s needs, which evolve and change as the baby grows and develops. In this way, children will likely feel a sense of control over their environment as they develop at their own pace. Ideally, the mother continues to adapt to the baby/infant/toddler’s changing needs all along, as children grow, learn, and become more autonomous.
Interestingly, Winnicott went on to explain that children in the long run will actually benefit when their mothers (or main caretakers) “fail” them in ways they can tolerate (this, of course, does not include failures that would endanger their physical or emotional well-being). This term also points out the impossibility of being perfectly attuned to our children 100 percent of the time. Winnicott even posited that, this level of attunement is not only an impossibility, but also would likely be detrimental to a baby as he or she will miss the opportunity to learn to be disappointed in ways that he or she will be able to manage and recover from.
I have felt drawn to this concept since I learned about it, as I think it presents in a simple, straightforward, yet very powerful way a realistic picture of what we, mothers and fathers (or primary caregivers) of children can do for those we care for. And it is so important because having unrealistic expectations such as feeling the need to be “always” present (physically and/or emotionally), or of “always” having the appropriate words and reactions is not only unattainable but even (if it were to be possible) undesirable (4). It is comforting to know that being “good-enough” is what our children need to feel safe, emotionally connected, and cared for, and that our “humanness” is also paving the way for them to gradually learn that the world will often not respond in the ways they would want or request. It is in the process of being “disappointed” in developmentally appropriate ways and in a context in which they still feel the love, interest, care, and commitment of their parents or caregivers, that children are more able to withstand the “blow” of their desires or requests not being granted.
It is likely that most of us, even with all of our love and desire to do and be our best for our kids, will at one time or another do or say something that we may regret. The next time this happens, instead of beating yourself up for the way you just reacted, try being kinder with yourself--perhaps you even remember the following two key ideas :
Children are more resilient than we often give them credit for. And by resilience we mean their capacity to adapt, withstand, and “recover” in the face of setbacks, challenges, or difficult life experiences;
AND
Relationships, even when ruptured (and I know this is kind of a strong word) can be repaired, and sometimes, when we handle these matters skillfully our relationship with our children can be strengthened after an episode of mis-attunement and re-attunement.
As you can probably tell by now, my intention is neither to create extra pressure nor to take your children’s emotional well-being lightly. I believe most of you would agree that one of the best gifts we can give our children is to equip them with the resources that they will need to live an authentic, enjoyable, productive life. What a privilege we have as parents to impact and shape our children’s inner worlds so profoundly. . . Not a small task by any extent of the imagination.
If you feel you can benefit from support in this major task of being a parent, whether you are a new parent or an experienced one, I am here to help. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
Wishing you peace and success in what truly matters to you,
Dr. Perolini
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
You can learn more about my work with teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
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Sources and further reading
1 Schore, A.N. (1994). Affect regulations and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
2 Sroufe, L.A. (1983). Infant-caregiver attachment and patterns of adaptation in preschool: The roots of maladaptation and competence. In M. Perlmutter (Ed.), Minnesota Symposium in Child Psychology (Vol. 16, pp, 41-83). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
3 Winnicott, D.W. (1971). Playing and Reality. UK: Tavistock Publications.
4 . Winnicott D.W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena-- A study of the first not-me possession. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34(2), 89–97.
