Virtually all of us have been there at some point in our life.
It went something like this-- You were feeling sad, upset, anxious, or overwhelmed and upon noticing this a well-meaning family member or friend has innocently told you some variety of: “You know, you have X, Y, and Z, just be happy!” Or, “You know, look at the bright side of things, there is so much to be grateful for, just relax and everything will change for the better”, or, (one of my favorites), “Don’t be anxious, everything is going to be ok.” Etc, etc, etc. You probably can fill in the blanks with one version of the many that well-meaning people say to try to “take away” a difficult emotion we may be having, with the intention of making us feel better. And probably also because it is hard for most of us to witness and connect with the pain (anxiety, sadness, grief, anger) of someone else.
At the beginning I couldn’t really pinpoint why these comments were SO ineffective. For me, being told to relax NEVER NEVER NEVER worked, and after some time, I would even (sadly) chuckle inside while I wondered if people really thought that being told to feel differently was ever helpful. I could tell people were “just trying to help” me but it surprised me that comments from smart people with great intentions could be so off-target and ineffective. Worse yet, over time these comments tend to create emotional distance between the people involved because, in that moment, one often feels misunderstood and rushed to feel differently, which does nothing to help contain or soften the pain one may be experiencing.
Why does this happen? ... I wondered. This is a twofold question—why are others eager to move away from what I am currently feeling and strongly suggest that I “feel better” now? AND, Why cant I??
Well, I have to admit that it took me some time and some training to (somewhat) figure it out.
I think most of us would agree that being able to “calm down” (don’t you just love when people tell you that?) just by being reminded to do so would be great. However, for most of us it just does not work that way. When we are in the midst of feeling strong emotions, be it anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, grief, or any other difficult feeling, it is very hard to go from that type of feeling to a very different one, such as happiness, joy, tranquility or peace. It is not impossible, but both in my personal and professional experience as a psychologist, it is pretty rare. Unless we are experienced meditators, for example, or have consistent experience in some other practice/ discipline in which we have devoted time (when we were NOT in the midst of strong emotions) to learn how to access a pathway that would allow us to regulate and modulate our emotions in relatively short periods of time, it is seldom the case that we can move from one extreme to the other in terms of emotions. For most of us, it is just hard to “jump” from one emotion to another very different one (such as from extremely anxious to peaceful) rather quickly, even when provided with an abundance of convincing evidence.
It is also true that it is hard to have anything sink in emotionally or cognitively when we are in the midst of very strong emotions. Have you noticed this? Try learning a few, otherwise straightforward facts, or to focus on an important task when you are very sad, homesick, anxious, or overwhelmed. It seems that our emotional and cognitive “space” is already “taxed” or “being used by” these other emotions and we just can’t take in new information. But the truth (for most of us, anyway) is that even when not in the middle of strong emotions, being suggested to feel differently is not always well received by our hearts, who first need connection, understanding, and validation before anything else. In my experience, it is almost always after we feel some degree of empathy that intense emotions can find their way to a more manageable state, for example, that of feeling more in control and more balanced.
This is perhaps why I love the quote that says “The patient needs an experience, not an explanation” by Frieda Fromm- Reichmann. Patient or not patient I think we all rather feel understood and connected at an emotional level, than being explained or told how we should be feeling differently/ better.
So, the next time you are told by well-meaning others about how “you have so many reasons to be happy!” or encouraged to “look at the bright side of things” and you are just not feeling it, know that it makes sense. This is often not what we need. Feeling understood, connected, validated, and empathized with is the first step, almost always. Sometimes an honest, caring gaze or a sign of kindness can go a long way to make us feel we are not alone. There is no point, when we are not ready, to “push” ourselves to a different feeling state. I believe it is mainly through making space for all our feelings (both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones, or at least the unpleasant ones that seem to not be going away) that we may gradually move gracefully through our emotions, learn to be compassionate with ourselves, and eventually feel more grounded, more in control, and more at peace.
My most influential teacher taught me much through his words, but nothing close to his caring gaze to teach me what healing is all about. I, in turn, made it my purpose to provide to my patients a space where HEALING can unfold and BEING can thrive.
If you feel you can benefit from support navigating strong, difficult emotions, such as loneliness, anxiety, sadness, or grief, I am here to help. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page to see if we are a good fit. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
Wishing you peace and success, in whatever your endeavors in life may be,
Dr. P
You can learn more about my work in the area of anxiety at drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and about my work in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
