We all start therapy with different degrees of knowledge about the process. What should we expect? How much should I disclose? Is there a “right” timing? Can I actually get worse? What if I get too attached to my therapist and then he or she leaves? These and similar thoughts are not at all uncommon, especially in the beginning phases of therapy. As we start therapy, some of these questions or thoughts find their own answers and subside as we begin to experience what the process of therapy is like.
Usually later in the therapy process there are other “set” of thoughts or feelings about therapy or about the therapist that may emerge, such as:
“This is one of the most important hours of my week, do you (therapist) care the same as I do about our time together?”
“You are my only therapist, and you probably have lots of patients..”
“You have seen me vulnerable, in pain, crying..; do you still like me/accept me/ want me to be here?
“What do you think of me?”
And probably many more--the thoughts that may go through our minds as patients are as diverse as they are valid.
As a therapist, I believe it all makes sense. Therapy is an open invitation to be engaged in a rather unique kind of relationship, where one person, the patient, is seeking another, the therapist, for their knowledge or expertise. What sets therapy apart, in the way I see it, is that the knowledge and expertise we need is not only in matters related to emotional well-being, healthy relationships, or how to deal with anxiety, depression, or any other symptom that we as human beings experience. Most foundationally, as therapists, we need to be good at engaging with another human being at a very human level, we need to know how to be emotionally present in the pain of another, without the need to shy away or rush to “resolve it.” We also have to be willing to be impacted by the therapeutic process, be comfortable enough with the uncertainty and the unknown that each therapy process brings about, be open to engage intimately within the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship, and maintain a secure frame so that effective therapeutic work can actually happen. And I could probably continue enumerating key qualities that make for an effective therapist.
I believe most therapists would agree that these qualities or characteristics are nurtured over the years, with the help, support, and guidance of other skilled therapists, mentors, and supervisors. These qualities develop over time, as we are in relationship with these other professionals, and not always in the absence of pain.
Being a therapist means a commitment to looking at ourselves with the same eagerness to seek the truth as we invite our patients to do. And those who are or have been patients know this is not the easiest thing to do.
But who said it should? What are we looking for when we start therapy? I imagine patients responding to this question in the following ways: to stop fighting, or to finally know how to manage my anxiety, or my depression, or because I don’t know how to go on after what happened, or because life has lost some of its meaning, or… you can fill in the blanks.
In my experience, a path that leads to a very worthwhile goal is often not a rosy one. Nor it should be. I prefer many times over a therapy process in which my patient did not always leave the room feeling great but that at the end of the whole therapy process, be it a few months or two years, can look at me in the eye and say (or simply feel): I am a different person (in the sense that his or her pain and/or symptoms have shifted or transformed); the knowledge I have of myself is many times greater; I learned how to navigate my emotions with more ease and more acceptance, and thus my self-confidence is strengthened. This is of course, only an example of the many worthwhile gains that therapy can bring about.
The tricky part about therapy is that no one can tell you 100% when this will happen, or even if it will happen exactly as we want it. As a therapist, I learned to cherish the unknown that comes with every patient that walks through my door. To trust the process. And in my trusting, my patients (most of them) learn to trust it too. I learned about the importance of modeling that I will maintain hope even when my patient does not or cannot. About the importance of them knowing that I will be there week after week after week. That no matter how hard the feelings become, I will not shy away from them and aim to continue being emotionally present and engaged.
A difficult part for some of us therapists is to accept that we are also human, and as much we would like to “give” to our patients, it will not always be perfect, we will not always have the perfect words or the exact response that the patient was hoping for. And I learned that this is ok. The standard of perfection, in therapy as in anything else, is, in my view, both unattainable and detrimental to the whole process.
Provided, of course, that we are most of the time attuned to our patient’s feelings, I learned over time that this quality of being “human”, and thus fallible, is not something that need to adversely impact the therapeutic process. I now believe it is probably a positive aspect of the therapeutic experience, since it allows for a connection at a very human level. A significant part of what patients gain from therapy is to take with them a piece of what we were able to create together in our relationship—perhaps to take the risk of trusting again in others since they were able to trust in our relationship, to trust in themselves as they experienced over and over my trust in them, perhaps they come to expect to be heard, and to be understood --even if not always or not perfectly--, to be cared for, to know deep inside that they can hold a place in someone else’s life. It is hard to explain, I know. And still so worthy of being experienced.
So, if a mix of wanting to give therapy a try and the feeling of “I don’t know how this will look like or if I am going to like it” is what you are experiencing, you are exactly at the right place. And not alone.
If you decide to take the next step, you can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
Wishing you peace and success, in whatever your endeavors in life may be,
Dr. P
If you want to learn more about my work in the area of anxiety, you can visit https://drperolini.com/anxiety-counseling and about my work in the area of depression at https://drperolini.com/depression-counseling
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
Claudia Perolini, PhD is a psychologist in person in Weston, Florida and virtually throughout 40 states of the Unites States. She specializes in helping adults and adolescents who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma live fuller and more rewarding lives.
Dr. Perolini enjoys writing on her blog about issues that she believes may be of interest to individuals who are curious about life, and interested in topics that may provide them with valuable knowledge or insight about this journey that we are all in: LIFE.
