Overwhelmed, confused, and feeling SO alone. You did not know what else to do. How to possibly contain the emotional pain you were feeling? The suffering. The downward spiral set of events that have been happening in your life and that feel so much out of your control.
If you have engaged in any type of self-harm in the past, such as cutting, burning, punching yourself (or things, such as a wall), you know the world at large does not “get” this behavior. People, including loving family members and friends, if they were to find out, may seem perplexed at a behavior that may seem counterintuitive, confusing, and paradoxical. Definitely at odds –-to the world at large-- with helping anyone feel better.
But you know this is not the case. You have perhaps felt the instant relief or numbness that tends to come with the act of cutting. It seems to numb —even if for a short period of time— the emotional pain you may be experiencing. If people around you know you engage in self-harming behaviors, you probably have been asked whether you feel any physical pain when you do it.
For many teens and young adults who cut, the “trade off” between the sharp relief from emotional pain at the time of cutting (or other self-harming behaviors) and the minor physical discomfort associated with the cutting itself seems to be “worth it”. There is a silence and a stillness, a sense of increased control and for a brief moment troubles fall into the background. They are not the front and center, hurtful reality we may experience otherwise. Perhaps paradoxically, self-injury seems to bring about a sense of calmness in the midst of the chaos that may be so prevalent in our inner world.
If you are like most individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors, you either haven’t told anyone, or have trusted this very personal area of yourself to very few people. And of course. It seems like too much risk, too much vulnerability inherent in disclosing such an intimate part of your experience. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults who have chosen to disclose this behavior to others, have encountered judgment, well-reasoned, rational explanations for why this behavior does not make sense, and usually an invitation or a strong encouragement to stop it. Some well-meaning others may be very concerned or even panic in the face of learning about self-harming behaviors, as they may equate self-injury with a desire to die. Yet you know that this tends not to be the case. It is not death that you are after. What you, and so many others want, is relief from overwhelming psychic pain that at times feels uncontainable, overwhelming, and insurmountable.
So you are no stranger to misunderstanding and judgment about what this behavior may mean. You may feel stuck in a cycle. Perhaps you have tried to leave this behavior in the past, but it has been extremely hard. You seem to resort to it when things get to be “too much” to deal with or contain. After all, it does provide some relief, even if it is short-lived.
But perhaps you have dreamed of more than short-lived relief of psychic pain. Perhaps at times you have dreamed of a life in which the pain was more bearable, you felt less alone, and more contained. A life in which you had the space to process any pain (or any feelings, really) that needed to be held, perhaps put into words, and integrated into the narrative of your life.
I would like to think that this life that you envisioned is possible
Wherever you are in the path of self-injury, please know you do not have to keep walking this path alone. This path in which you do not feel understood, you often feel judged, and you yourself may not even fully understand what makes this behavior so powerful, in the moment. It makes sense that you feel this way. Self-injury is a very complex behavior, usually difficult to understand and make sense of it for most people.
If you engage in any type of self-injury, it is likely that you have experienced the “other side” of this behavior as well. And what I mean by this is that relief and numbness are generally not the only feeling associated with this behavior, right? For most people, there are significant doses of shame, guilt, confusion, and frustration revolving around this behavior, its causes, its potential implications, and its ramifications. In other words, the momentary relief you may experience at the time of cutting (or of any other self-injurious behavior) takes a toll. It comes with a cost. A high price attached to it. It may become a habit. And we may even have a very difficult time finding ways to NOT engage in this behavior even when we decide we may want to rely on alternative coping mechanisms.
If you read up to this point, you probably know if I am describing a cycle of feelings and events that you experience. Perhaps a part of you would really want to take a better look at this cycle to gain a more in-depth understanding of its origins, functions, and purpose. Perhaps it is hard to imagine life without cutting… yet a part of you is curious of how would life be like if that had not become your go-to way to manage huge amounts of distress and tension. You know first hand how it feels like to experience pressures, and, perhaps you even felt that cutting had allowed you to “keep it together.”
I find this quote by Robert Frost to be so incredibly powerful--
““The only way out is through””
If there is even a very small part of you that is curious about yourself, your experiences, including your experience of self-injury, and you are up to trying out a space in which your needs always take precedence and there is no judgment about you, your experiences, or anything else that you may choose to bring up, feel free to reach out.
Even after you reach out for the first time, you are always in control regarding whether you want to engage in the process of therapy, for how long, and the pace at which therapy unfold. Greater emotional freedom is one outcome that many therapy patients have expressed they have experienced as a result working in therapy with a clinician who was a good fit for them.
Taking the first step is the most difficult. It takes a lot of courage. If we realize we are a good fit for each other, and you want to start therapy, I offer you my commitment to work together toward the life you would like to create for yourself. If we realize we are not a good fit, I will do my best to help you connect with a clinician that may be a better fit for your specific needs. My goal is to support you in your path toward the life that you desire. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation at the end of this page. I truly look forward to speaking with you.
Wishing you peace and freedom,
Dr. Claudia Perolini
You can learn more about my work in the area of trauma at drperolini.com/trauma-therapy and in the area of teens at drperolini.com/teen-counseling
Click here to learn more about what therapy with Dr. Claudia Perolini, Licensed Psychologist, looks like.
