When Cutting Becomes a Way to Cope *
It was 90 degrees outside, yet “Sheryl” walked into my office with arms and legs fully
covered. Her gaze fixed on the floor. Beside her sat her mother, visibly worried and
exhausted. Her parents desperate to understand what was happening to their 16-year-
old daughter.
For many families, self-injury is almost impossible to comprehend at first. Parents often
ask, “Why would my child do this?” Beneath this question are painful emotions: shock,
disbelief, fear, anger, guilt, and helplessness.
Self-injury is one of the most misunderstood behaviors I encounter in clinical practice. It
refers to the intentional harming of one’s own body—such as cutting, burning,
scratching, or hitting oneself—to cope with overwhelming emotional pain, distress,
numbness, or difficult internal experiences. In most cases, self-injury is not driven by a
desire to die, but by the need to manage unbearable emotional pain. This behavior
often raises strong reactions in others, making the person feel broken, ashamed, and
alone.
With ‘Sheryl’, therapy became the beginning of a long journey. At first, she was
angry—at therapy, at me, at life, at the family she felt she disappointed. She rarely
looked up. Words were difficult. Through consistent therapy, something began to shift.
The work wasn’t about demanding that she “just stop.” It was about understanding the
emotional pain underneath. Slowly, her gaze began to lift. She allowed herself to be
seen. Sometimes we spoke; sometimes we held space for feelings that had never had
room before.
“Physical pain is exceptional at shutting down the mind. It narrows the universe to a single, sharp point, silencing everything else.”
There was grief, tears, anger, regret, tenderness, and compassion. We explored
attachment wounds, painful relationship patterns, self-blame, and the longing to feel
safe and understood. As ‘Sheryl’ developed new ways to express her emotions, the
need to harm her body began to lose its power.
Self-injury can serve many psychological functions. It may reduce emotional intensity,
interrupt numbness or dissociation, transform emotional pain into physical pain, create
temporary relief, or provide grounding when everything inside feels chaotic.
Effective therapy helps individuals understand the emotions, experiences, and
relationship patterns contributing to self-injury. It helps them build healthier ways to
regulate distress, communicate pain, and reconnect with themselves and others.
Healing is possible. I have seen people move from secrecy and despair toward
openness, self-understanding, and strength. If a loved one is engaging in self-injury, the
most helpful response is calm concern, empathy, and professional support. Behind the
behavior is a person in pain—and with the right care, that pain can begin to heal.
““You cannot heal a wound by making another. True healing begins when we learn to sit with our pain and treat it with compassion instead of punishment. ”
* A version of this appeared as a column on the Our City of Weston Magazine, August 2026 issue. Any names utilized are fictional.
If you’re struggling and ready to explore therapy, please reach out. This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional evaluation or treatment. Although self-injury is often not a suicide attempt, individuals who engage in self-harm may also experience suicidal thoughts. A professional assessment is important. Ifsomeone is in immediate danger, call or text 988.